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Should I end a very good relationship?

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  • September 29, 2016 at 9:49 am #116686
    Confused young girl
    Participant

    Hi. I am a 23 year old woman in a relationship with a 25 year old man since 3.5 years. Almost everything is going fine and he is really a happy, uncomplicated person who loves me a lot and is serious about me. Our relationship started as a summer fling and became serious over time. We’ve had some great adventures in these 3.5 years and traveled all over the world. But the problem is that: we have different opinions and outlooks on life. It’s not coming in the way that much presently but deep down it bothers me. I understand that when each and every qualities are similar, it can get boring, but I do believe that it’s important to have common core values. He wants to live a rich, materialistic life while I am more of a kind-hearted, spiritual person. I feel like I am not going to end up marrying him, so why waste his time when he’s serious about me but I’m not as much. Nothing is wrong per se, but I guess if we’re thinking long-term future, our values just don’t align. Also, as time passes I am more often getting the uncertain feeling and feel very guilty about it. I’ve talked to him about it but he just doesn’t understand it as he says that to him the relationship is perfect and exactly what he wanted..It breaks my heart and makes me very guilty when I am thinking of a break up since months which he is unaware about. I should mention that my emotions are fluctuating a lot, but there’s one thing that doesn’t change: I do not see myself marrying him the way he is now. We’re from different countries and I live and work in his country and we see each other every single day (we work at the same company). Oh and I forgot to mention that I find it very easy to be distracted by other men and develop crush on them, but we’ve both been both emotionally and physically faithful to each other so far. I feel like I am too young to be giving promise to someone for long-term and should find out more about myself before committing to anyone. He doesn’t understand this concept. What should I do? Has anyone had the same experiences before? I am so desperate for suggestions.

    September 30, 2016 at 8:12 am #116745
    Peter
    Participant

    I recommend the book “How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving Paperback by David Richo

    My thoughts on love

    What role does love play in relationships? It sounds like a no brainer question but is it?
    I have observed many relationships between two people who loved each other end, my own included, and wondered why

    If Love is all that matters, all there is, love the only reality, a stronger force than anything else… what’s love got to do with it? Could it be that love sometimes requires two people to go in separate ways and if so why?

    An examination of our experience of love reveals that it is a simple complex experience.

    It seemed to me that part of the experience of loving and being loved involved qualities such as meaning and purpose. We want what we do, think and feel to matter and make a difference to those we love and our experience of the world. We are pushed to become.

    For there to be meaning and purpose in our lives we need to add quality of responsibility, accountability, boundaries… to the experience of love.

    Sometimes It seems to me that a relationship of love unlocks the potential being of the other but that then points them to different paths in order for their becoming and experiences of meaning and purpose. LOVE requiring a relationship to end so that both parties may move forward on their journey of becoming.

    Often this happens as unconsciously and then we start to create experiences so our partner fails us in some why so that we can then move on. Maybe we cheat and force our partner to make the decision for us… Sometimes we have to learn the hard way… love requires that we get to be held accountable for our actions, the good and the bad (or there can be no meaning and purpose to our love)

    What’s love got to do with it? Everything.
    Love wants us to become and sometimes that means LOVE requires a relationship to change.

    September 30, 2016 at 8:49 am #116752
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear confuseddd:

    The main issue as I see it is that you are not interested or prepared to a lifetime commitment to your boyfriend and he is. You feel guilty for not feeling the interest and commitment that he is feeling.

    If you were interested and prepared to a lifetime commitment with your boyfriend, then the core values would be a significant issue but not a deal breaker. You and him could talk about the specifics of a life together and figure out those things before making a commitment. You can talk about different scenarios- choosing a job for money vs interest, how to spend an X amount of money as a couple.

    But you are not there, still have crushes on other guys- meaning you are not prepared to settle with your boyfriend, so these talks are premature, I am thinking.

    I hope you talk to him soon, tell him about your guilt, explore- while talking with him- how you feel and continue talking over time. Talking honestly will achieve two goals: relief of guilt and getting further clarity about your feelings and the nature of the relationship through a series of talks, over time.

    anita

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