Dear free man:

The easy question for me to answer would be: should I fight for the well being  of my three children? That would be a Yes,  of course. Therefore my answer to your question, “Should  I fight for my marriage?” is- only if it serves your children well, and not if it doesn’t.

Often enough it is not good for the children to live with both parents.  If parents fight, it harms children,  so better the two live separately so that the home  where the children live is peaceful, calm.

If the parents are  miserable in the marriage, anxious and distressed, that anxiety and distress will harm the children, so better the two live separately and each parent is calm when interacting with the children.

Here is one concern, based  on your short post, that I have regarding anxiety and distress of the individual parents in this case, you and your wife, you wrote: “I’m not continuing this nonsense homosexual relationships”. I don’t think it is that easy to make such a decision and follow through with it. An urge, a physical urge led you again and again to  look for men. I don’t think an urge like that goes away because you call it “nonsense”.

Let’s say you stay in the marriage, your wife is interested in continuing the marriage, you calm down. Then you are out and about and there is this man that looks attractive to you, you have a window of  opportunity right-there-and-then, what happens next?

It is likely to happen, again and again, and you continue to compartmentalize it best you can, a husband and father in the open, a homosexual man in secret. I imagine this will continue  to cause you distress and will negatively affect the marriage, like it already has.

I think it is better for you to give up the marriage and co parent your children best you can. Post again if you’d like to continue this communication with me.

anita

Dear Free man:

You are welcome. I am glad to read that your kids’ well-being is your priority.

For the purpose of fighting for your marriage (your question, title of thread), you first have to  figure out why you have been cheating on your wife and lying to her many times (“I have not being a good husband I cheated many times and I lied”) while you “love her so  much and ..want the best for her”.

Have to  know the reasons for your behavior, what motivates you, otherwise, it will be difficult to make your life better. Not knowing reasons and motivations is like navigating life in the dark, without a source of light, bumping into walls, confused.

Asking and answering questions may be that source  of light that you need.  If you would   like, please answer the following:

1. When you wrote that you “have not being a good husband”- in what ways were you not a good husband, besides cheating on her and  lying  about the cheating?

2. Did you lie to her about other topics besides the  cheating?

3. Did you cheat  on her with women as well or only with men?

4. Did you have homosexual encounters with men before you were married, if so how long  before/ at what age  onward?

5. What  do you mean by “I don’t like men at all”- what don’t you like about men?

6. Regarding your sentence: “I’ve never felt attraction for men I don’t know why I did that I like women so maybe I need to find the reason why”- If you never felt  attraction for  men, does it mean you didn’t enjoy having sex with them?

7. Can you give me an example of a random encounter with a man, where did it happen, when and how it came about (without giving any sexual specifics)?

anita

Dear Freeman:

You are welcome. Reads to me that the very specific activity with men, the one that started that time in middle school, is very enjoyable for you, an intense stimulation, and it is not a part of a bigger experience  with men. It is just that one act. And going to the adult book store parking lot is where that act is available, free  of charge. Do I understand correctly?

And then, you have this hunger for sex, is this hunger connected to another type of hunger in earlier childhood, do you think, such as hunger for attention, to be seen and noticed?

anita

Dear Freeman:

Tell me a bit about your relationship as a child with your mother, with your father?

You didn’t tell either one what happened with this older person in middle school. Did you tell them about the bullying in school?

anita

Dear  Freeman:

Betrayed by the “friend” you told about the incident in middle school. Couldn’t trust a mother who talked  badly about her own son  (your brother)… and your father told you that many years in the far away future you will be “saved” by a  god, when what you needed was to be saved (protected, taken care of) right then and there by him!

I need to get away from the computer in a few moments. I want to be back to your thread tomorrow morning in about sixteen hours from now. If you can and would like to, please add anything that may be relevant regarding your childhood, maybe explain to me in what ways was  your mother possessive and  what bad things regarding other people did she talk about so much?

anita

Dear Freeman:

When you wrote that your mother was weird in front of you, what  do you mean  by “weird”?

At this point, after re-reading all your posts, this is my understanding and recommendations:

1. You are currently living apart from your wife, having the kids every other weekend. Better remain separated and continue to encourage and help your wife to be independent (“I wanted her to  be more independent, capable to handle situations on her own”).

2. Focus not on the marriage but on the goal that you stated here: “work in myself to  be a better version of me and be the best that for my  kids”.

3. From a very early age, before you were five, you were already hyper sexual. You engaged in sex (touching and  being  touched  by your cousin) because it felt good. It felt pleasurable (“we did experimented so much pleasure together”). Pleasure is the main motivation in all that sexual  activity: the dating chats, sex texting, approaching your wife’s cousin, your wife’s girlfriend,  women at your work place and random men in bookstore parking lots.

We all need and want to feel good. And we try in whatever means available. Some people  overeat, others over-sex. Some gamble. Others climb rocks. You do the sex thing. It is by now a habit.

4. In your childhood, your father was the weak parent, the distant and removed one and your mother was the strong, overly involved, overly talkative, controlling, dominant parent. Perhaps in her dominant, masculine presence, you became sort of feminine.

It may be something like this: there was place for only one man/ very masculine presence in your home of origin and that presence/ person was your mother. Every one  else, your father and you, had to be the feminine presence/ persons. You took the extra measures of  some feminine mannerisms, the  liking wearing women’s clothing (“women’s panties or tight pants.. w omen’s pants”), and the  looking for and receiving sexual pleasure from men.

This is what kids in school picked up on, that feminine mannerism, and they bullied you for it: “a few kids from my class used to bully me they would call me faggot, sissy a nd stuff of that nature”.

5. The bullies in school humiliated you and beat you up. You didn’t tell about it because you felt “stupid since I failed to stood  up for myself”- it  is time  for you to stand  up  for yourself  now. If you pay attention to how you behaved and still behave in the presence of your mother, you will get the information you need on how you submit to other people, not  only to her,  and what you need to do to assert yourself, to stand up for yourself.

In closing, for now, I hope you answer the first question I asked you in this post and  let me  know of your  thoughts  and  feelings about any part  of what I wrote here, 1-5.

anita

Dear Freeman:

You are welcome.

Quality psychotherapy will be the best place for you to heal, it has been the beginning for me. But not all therapists are created equal, it will take a capable, caring, empathetic, hard working therapist and it will take your persistent hard work and patience over time.

There used to be, maybe still are, free support groups for people who are overly occupied with sex, similar to let’s say, Overeaters Anonymous where the overindulgence is in food, or Alcoholics Anonymous, where the overindulgence is alcohol.

If you do attend therapy, and your feelings as a child brought into awareness and processed, those emotions will stop fueling certain undesirable behaviors,  behaviors that don’t fit your values. For example, when a person becomes aware of the intense desire he had as a child for his mother’s love, that awareness will cause, over time and habit breaking practices,  the desire for food to lessen.

Post again, re-read my last post to you again, and  take your time, see  if something comes up and share it with me.

anita