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Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away?

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  • June 30, 2025 at 8:21 am #447203
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Thank you for being so open again. I really admire how you’re facing something painful without turning away from yourself. It takes real strength to look at the past honestly and still try to treat yourself with care. You deserve your own patience and kindness—especially now.

    I think it’s deeply human that you wanted to be understood by Philip. That visit came from a place of longing, not harm—and from the way you’ve been reflecting on it, it’s clear you’re starting to see how deep pain can make it hard to notice how our actions might feel to someone else. Realizing that is a meaningful part of your growth.

    What you said about boundaries really stayed with me: “I feel that me stating them feels unkind—but I guess that is because I never had them.” That kind of awareness is powerful. When we grow up without having our boundaries respected, it makes sense that they can feel unfamiliar—even scary.

    And for someone like you, who’s only now beginning to explore what boundaries look and feel like, it also makes sense that someone else’s might not have been easy to see in the moment—especially when emotions were running high. That’s not a failure of care. It’s something you’re learning, and you’re learning with honesty and heart.

    That’s why building boundaries is so important. Even in small ways, they help you feel more grounded, more connected to what’s right for you. They’re not about pushing people away—they’re about protecting your energy and letting the right people come closer. Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.”

    And Emma, I really see your growth. This kind of change doesn’t happen all at once—it unfolds in small, strong steps, often with pain still nearby. But it’s real. You’re recognizing your patterns, noticing what feels calmer, and even speaking up with your parents. That’s not easy. And it counts.

    If you want to share how they respond, I’d be honored to listen. I’m really grateful you’re letting me walk alongside you through this. You’re not alone in it.

    With warmth always, Anita

    June 30, 2025 at 12:38 pm #447213
    J.
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, for your compliment, that really touches me.
    Mmm…I have been wondering, I have had OCD all my life, and it seems like I’m stuck in this break up – I’ve had that before. Maybe it is ROCD – would suit the continuously doubtinh of the partner, etc. Even Philip himself seemed to have done this – if I remebered well – he constantly seemd to compare me to exes, and other women, and constant doubts even though he said he felt good about it.

    You’re right about boundaries – setting them feels so scary for me, because of people’s reactions. Yes…must say I kind of was aware of Philip’s boundaries…but every time I thought, “but he does not understand me, what if I explained?”, since he repeatedly convinced me, and at one point, told me, he would keep doing so, I think I may have taken that for granted and thought I could still convince him..

    Oh, what would he be thinking of me now? I just feel like, could his feelings for me have evaporated so suddenly? That hurts, eventhough I would understand bc of my behaviour.

    Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.” This is a very good one…I should really remember this…

    I will make a note for on my wall!

    Thank you, Anita

    Warm wishes,
    Emma

    June 30, 2025 at 12:44 pm #447215
    J.
    Participant

    I want to thank you so deeply, Anita, for being there with me. For giving me a place to share these difficult moments like the one yesterday, when Philip got angry with me – it does take the pressure of a bit. And also learning about boundaries, and how you describe the, Thank you..kind person on the other side of the ocean 🙂

    Emma

    June 30, 2025 at 6:00 pm #447224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    You are so very welcome—and thank you for your appreciation and kind words. Reading your message truly made my day.

    And thank you for continuing to share so openly. Your reflections are filled with honesty and self-awareness—it’s a privilege to witness your process.

    From what you’ve described here and in earlier messages, it does sound like you’re noticing patterns that may align with Relationship OCD (ROCD). The persistent doubts about Philip, the urge to explain yourself repeatedly, the difficulty letting go after the breakup, and the mental loops of “what if” and “what does he think of me now”—these are all experiences that many people with ROCD report.

    Of course, only a qualified mental health professional can give a diagnosis. But your curiosity about ROCD is valid, and exploring it may help you understand yourself with more compassion. ROCD isn’t about not loving someone—it’s about the mind getting stuck in a loop of doubt, fear, and the need for certainty. And when that’s layered on top of a history with OCD, it makes sense that relationships become a place where those patterns show up.

    What I find especially powerful is how you’re beginning to notice the why behind your actions. You weren’t disregarding Philip’s boundaries—you were trying to be understood, to repair, to reconnect. That’s not failure. That’s a deeply human response shaped by fear, longing, and hope.

    And your honesty about boundaries—how scary they feel, and how you’re beginning to see their shape—is such an important shift. You’re not just learning about boundaries—you’re starting to feel why they matter: in your body, in your relationships, in your healing. That’s not small. That’s foundational.

    I love that you’re putting reminders on your wall. That’s you building a new kind of inner home—one where your needs matter, your voice counts, and your growth is honored.

    I wanted to share that I’ve experienced OCD too. I began struggling with it around age six and was diagnosed in my twenties. I no longer fit the diagnosis, so maybe—just maybe—there’s hope for you too.

    And I have a sense that we may share something else: an invalidating parent or two. My mother used to counter every thought I had with condemnation. I was always “wrong,” always “missing the point,” never quite right. No wonder that internal voice—hers, really—kept on second-guessing me for so many years. It’s still there sometimes, but softer now. Life is so much simpler and gentler without that constant inner doubter.

    I’m here, Emma—always—on this side of the ocean. And I’m so very glad you’re here too.

    With warmth and care, Anita

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