I want to thank you so deeply, Anita, for being there with me. For giving me a place to share these difficult moments like the one yesterday, when Philip got angry with me – it does take the pressure of a bit. And also learning about boundaries, and how you describe the, Thank you..kind person on the other side of the ocean 🙂

Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you…yes it seems to have been such a weird and painful process, Philip and me – even my current thoughts, regrets, memories..
I just feel like it could have been so special and interesting, him strong in ways I’m not, and I could have helped him maybe accessing his emotions, and becoming a bit more aware of others’ feelings. I wish I could have kept myself from these impulses. I have a silent wish and hope that he would return, maybe after a while, hopefully remembering how special it was…or at least it was for me. The long phonecalls..the long first date. I feel like I am looping and not want to loose these thoughts, cause they are all I have of him. I hate myself for breaking up with him. Friday I have planned a date with another guy, but I honestly don’t feel like it…I just don’t want to replace Philip, or cannot stand the idea of someone else holding me or so. But maybe Philip has already found somebody else too. The way he told me to leave really showed me he seems to hate me. He said “if we can stay friends this will happen in the future” when I broke it off. I seem to hope him not being able to be friends with me shows he still had feelings – but this was before my continuous…contacting after his request for space.

I think it must be related to OCD, yes – this is just my head forcing me to think of it – but also, because I want to stay connected to Philip in a way. I would love to show youa photo of him, he’s on Linkedin, but sharing the link might cause trouble in the long run I think. I was wondering, and I don’t know why I’m asking this but – what do you think he will be thinking of me? I guess I’m asking to think of what chances I still have left…none I guess. Sorry for asking this – it is impossible to answer, I’m sure. I fear I have really hurt him in his, what I think are, sensitive spots: disrespectfulk and very judgmental. I said it in the moment because I was so afraid that he could be limiting me in being myself – but I have come to see, that I am the one who should have taken his words less personal, he was just attacking the things I thought were true: MBTI, astrology, and that I knew too little things of the world, like philosophy etc.
I was wondering – have you ever been through such regrets in love, if this is not too personal – and if so, how did you cope with it…be at peace with it, and the idea that if I had not done this or that..I might have had him still..

And yes setting the boundaries feels so scary to me – but I can imagine it will be so much better if I have control over the energyin leave in or out.

Oh, so you also have experiences with OCD? I have heard it comes from a very strict upbringing..your story sounds like a very painful experince, Anita – your mum sounds like she has been quite judgmental too, do you know what were her reasons for doubting? Did she think you would improve of it? I always wonder why parents go to these tactics – it sounds so unkind, those words she used. I feel for you too, Anita – and how it stayed with you in the form of an inner voice – it’s not strange that that deveoped out of this, like you were forced to take her words to heart, even though they were very probably untrue most of the time. I can imagine it limits a child’s wish to explore the world, being held back by doubts and maybe insecurity – even more impressive that you moved to another country early in life!!
I’m happy the voice has become softer, and it gives you peace. You deserve that!

Warm wishes,
Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your answer. And for telling me, that I am not irrational – I already Philip in the beginning that I used to not start on relationships out of the fear of the break up, which has always been such a long and difficult proces, sdue to these loops – even though I have only known Philip for about 4 weeks. Friends tell me I should not cling so much to him, wondering why I can’t let go – I think this might be the reason. Even though the realization that he is not coming back, as friends had be telling me too, hurts, it makes total sense and it should make it easier to let go at some point…otherwise I would always doubt if I should go on with soemone else. I think I felt so safe with Philip too, in ways: yes the ong interesting calls, but also, I guess, maybe that he is not so soft – which made me feel I can be the soft one. I guess I am going on the date, then, maybe it’s good to try and meet new people. Iwas so touched when I saw the little moments in Philip when he did let go of his guard, slowly..I put my head on his shoulder, one time, while watching a movie. He now and then put his head on mine, as in a reaction I guess. Though not all the time, maybe that was the vulnerability showing…or that he really liked it when I took his hand after the first date…that was so cute, and I was so surprised he liked that, seeing he had this tough exterior. Even though it really pains me to move on and I prefered it if I did not have too – I think I will keep him as my special person and memory, hoping he will still have a few good memories of me too. But what do you think has made him feel most unsafe? Would it have been the hot-cold, or me calling him ‘disrespectful’ and ‘very judgmental’ in that discussion. I did see he had stated on his updated dating profile that he warned the women that he is direct and such. It’s just…I hope he will realize that I really liked him for him…I have not had a way to tell him, that me finding him ‘disrespectful’ may have had more to do with my fear of criticism. Even though he has had similar criticism from other people..I wondered – he told me repeatedly in the beginning that “people who beat around the bush”, were easily hurt by words, and were telling others to behave morally (cause he said he lacked empathy himself, which…I wonder if that’s true) were not his kind of people. But he also said he could have learned from me – I think precisely in learning how to communicate more subtly. So interesting how he could dislike and envy the same thing in people. He also sounded liek he really respected one of his high school deans, for being so calm and giving him space to tell his story, when he had been expelled from one of his classes again. To be honest, i admired Philip for being so daring – he once said he told one of the religion teachers “I eat God’s word” after he ripped out pages from the Bible because he was in a row with the teacher. Haha I would have never dared it. I heard that hods that have had a very strict upbringing, tend to get aggressive, have difficulty with authority, and a lack of empathy later on in life. It did sound like him – and like me a bit, if I’m honest. Even though I tend to feel for others too much at times, I also can detach easily if I need space, which may hurt others.
So…you think it may not automtically be he does not like me at all, anymore? Even though he will never reach out again? I hope he will at least still like parts of me, even if we will never meet again. Hopefully that’s why he could not be friends, at first, before I criticized him, making him dislike me even more, possibly. I guess he has lost trust in me, to be how he is: blunt; but you know, he told me one time, that what he really needed was care and softness, and that I calmed him down. He sounded surprised by his own words, as he, I believe, was convincing himself, out loud, that someone more feisty would have ended up in constant rows. I think it must be difficult for him: finding someone caring who can handle his bluntness – but maybe not. I believe his mother was very feisty., and his father very strict – poor guy, maybe he is avoidant, not really trusting people with his emotions…
One of his closest friends told him not to bee too angry with me, first time he had to convince me to stay – I wonder why his friend can correct his behavior, but not me..
I guess Philip reminded me too much of my father and brother, in the moment, telling me what I can’t and can believe – I met him at the wrong time, if I were further on my journey, and had learned how to deal with boundaries and such, it might have been better. Even though I did not really care for the amount of discussions, and the fact that Philip clearly disliked stupidity in people, and I can be sort of naive/vague at times.
I would have liked to have him in my life, even as friends – but maybe that would have been too difficult as he would be dating others.

Oh, so interesting how you story with Robert sounds similar to mine with Philip. How you declined his offer to getting to know you, because you did not like yourself. I”m sorry you have through that as well. Do you think that moment had come out of the doubt your mother placed inside of you? As what I can see, you are a very beautiful person, but it is hard to see from within, sometimes. Have you thought about him for long, after that? It sounds like you also acted out of self protection.

That sounds tough as well, your mother constantly doubting your words – it sounds like she was afraid you would criticize her while you were not at all! Looking for any negativity in your words? Could it have been a reflection of her own insecurities? Painful for you how she ‘applied’ it to you (I don’t know which English verb to use best there, haha). I can imagine that voice has been very petrifying in moments, so that you would constantly doubted yourself.

mmm….is that how it works? I constantly doubt myself as well – if getting angry about something is justified – which causes me to ask any of my friends/family if they would be angry in that moment, so I know if am allowed to be.

Thank you, for telling me about compassion – and you are so right – I did not even understand what was going on inside of me…I guess I felt like I may have had control over myself if I would have thought more clearly, but I think things happened in such unconscious ways – the push and pull, the fear that came up when he did not make new plans with me, me being afraid I had said something wrong if he did not react at times – and then pulling away when I came up with new things why he could reject me later on. I read avoidants do talk about other women often, and about ‘phantom exes’, this made me very insecure as well. They say it’s to create insecurity/distance so the avoidant has control. But you mentioned this before, why do you think he wanted control?

Oh, if I may ask, was you self-hate based on anything that had happened before, or something your parents said or so? I think that was the case with me. But it is good to hear that self-compassion has alleviated your pain as well.

Thank you, Anita, for telling me all this, it is a very warm message, and I am so happy you are here with me. It really helps to hear someone else’s view, and you really opened my eyes about how Philip may have been self protecting too. One more thing…I have a feeling he may have been scared of women, somehow. Telling me he never knew women liked him, when he was young. talking about guys, how they would know better how a guy works, what feels good to them…he also seemed afraid women would take advantage of him – it was atheme in many stories he told me. And he was surprised how I gave him care, instead of just him giving care to his exes.It hurts to think how he may find soemone else who will be able to stay with him, someone a bit more developed mentally, not taking things personally, someone more secure whose self-doubt won’t get in the way. He seemed understanding at times, of what I was going through, that I was just scared of rejection, telling me you got to take a chance if you want romance. But what he did not know was that I was so surprised that he liked me. I never told him, apart from in the letter I left him, which he probably did not even read.

Thank you for being here, Anita, it means a lot
<3 Emma