Should i forgive and forget or should i just move on??

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This topic has 23 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 21, 2019 at 10:34 am #294949
Elle Bee
Participant
Hi Anita,

Well, there are about half a million inhabitants on this island and there are plenty of single/separated/divorced men.. how many of them are REAL honest men, I don’t know!!

As for the mothers:

My husband’s mum was a sweetheart! She loved her kids and raised them very well. She gave them plenty of love and care and she loved me like a daughter. He loves her and respects her back

The therapist mother looked ok but according to him she neglected him as a child, beat him several times and also threatened him with suicide. When I was with him, he seemed to respect her.

This guy’s mum is… well, what can I say, ok. She wasn’t very caring but she’s been through a lot and she’s a bit depressed herself. He loves her and provides for her. He pays her bills (he lives with her) and makes sure she’s comfortable. On the other hand for some reason she’s always picking on him and arguing with him. Once he told me that she told him “Even ‘Elle’, I don’t know what she’s doing with you, she’s either acting it all up or I don’t know.” When I asked him why, he said that as a youth he was quite ‘naughty’ and lied to her a lot and she cannot accept that he is now a grown up man and he’s changed. Well, when I was a teenager I used to lie to my mum at times too, so I didn’t much give it a second thought BUT I guess I should have seen this coming!!

Elle
- This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Elle Bee.
May 21, 2019 at 1:05 pm #294973

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

The mothers of the two recent boyfriends were not and are not good mothers to them. The one who told her son that she was going upstairs to commit suicide, well that is as scary as can be for a child. The one who is still arguing and putting down her son who supports her financially, well she is not a decent person. Too bad for the two men and for the people they pass on the pain to.

Notice appearances vs. what is really taking place– regarding the boyfriend before last: “When I was with him, he seemed to respect her”. I don’t remember the exact details, but that man did a lot of things for you that appeared charming, made you think you had the dream guy, fancy restaurants, flowers if I remember correctly, but on an ongoing basis he micromanaged you so badly that you walked on eggshells with him, on a regular basis.

I am glad there are plenty of available men on your island (I pictured it as a small island before).

anita

August 29, 2019 at 10:44 pm #309723

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Anita,

its me again :/. More than 3 months have passed and I can’t seem to get over him. I was moving on slowly but last week I saw he has a new girl and my heart broke into pieces. This is so contradictory because I don’t want him back but I surely still love him. I have quite a few men who are interested in me but I can’t seem to like any of them. I keep on thinking about him. I tried to do several things to move on, exercise, yoga, Travel, go out with friends and socialize, journaling, practicing gratitude but my heart still belongs to him.

A month or so after we broke up, he wanted us to give it another try. I met him a couple of times but didn’t feel the same with him. I couldn’t believe a word he said and thought that this wasn’t going to work. I was seeing him hooking up and liking other nice girls’ pictures whilst he was trying to get me back. So I just couldn’t go back with him.

Yet, I’m here, full of anxiety, thinking about him and about his new girl, how in love they look they are. And I’m still alone, stuck to him in my heart and my mind. I really need to move on.. I need help!!

August 30, 2019 at 7:01 am #309739

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle Bee:

Welcome back to your thread!

I re-read all our communication on this thread and it appeared clear to me, early on in my reading this morning, that this man that this thread is about, probably cheated on his wife at the time, and this may very well be why she initiated the separation, which he said devastated him, but he probably didn’t tell you why she initiated the separation, why (he said) she said that she doesn’t love him anymore.

He cheated and lied to her as he did to you and as he will, most likely, to his new girlfriend.

When you broke up with him he put a message on Facebook suggesting that you were jealous and controlling and took his freedom away while the truth was that he cheated on you and lied to you. Clearly from the evidence you gathered, the history of his texts, he cheated on you.

He blamed you for the ending of the relationship just like he blamed his ex wife (suggesting she just happened to stop loving him through no fault of his own).

Reads to me that he lies a lot. As charming and attentive as he was to you, he also lied a lot. You weren’t able to live with a liar then and you wouldn’t be able to live with a liar now, if he was back in a relationship with you.

Problem is you are lonely, not in a relationship, so you are obsessing about him since he is in a relationship. But you were okay before he was in a relationship, see- you are upset because he is in a relationship and you are not, not because you think or feel that it would be a good idea to be in a relationship with him yourself.

How are you feeling today?

anita

August 30, 2019 at 8:02 am #309743

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Anita,

Yes, in fact, you are probably very right about his ex-wife.

Like I previously said, where I live is small and in the beginning of our relationship I realised that I had a good friend that was also a friend on FB of his ex-wife. So I contacted my friend asking her ‘do you know so and so? I’m dating her ex-husband’ and she replied. ‘lol.. she said he’s a womaniser and caught him cheating 3 times’. I had confronted him immediately about it (it was only around 10 days after we first met) and he seemed so hurt that she’s lying about him to cover her ass. Cos according to him, she was only with him for the money. He gave me a very good and plausible explanation of these 3 times, telling me they were pure misunderstandings and not true that he cheated. I decided to believe him, because most people try to put the blame on the other party and he seemed so innocent. But after we broke up I was wondering whether she was the one telling the truth. Then I also started to wonder why she never trusted him. He was not allowed to go out on his own, they didn’t even have a bachelor and bachelorette party before they got married. He said this was because she was possessive and super jealous and she didn’t even let him go see his mother on his own.

Yes, it could be that it’s because I’m still not in a relationship, but somehow I cannot be with anyone cos I still think about him. I tried meeting men that were interested in me, but there was no chemistry or anything with them. I could find faults in each and every one of them and always had my ex in mind. Before he went public with this woman, even though I was seeing he was interacting with a lot of other women, I was getting better emotionally (less crying and less anxious) but I still couldn’t take him off my mind (and my heart). I also got him something from a holiday that I went to – knowing that I will probably never get to give it to him! Now that I know he’s with another woman, I started crying again and waking up with anxiety… I’m hating myself for it because I do know that he is a liar and I cannot possibly live with him but I still cry over him.. This is insane! I try to convince myself that he’s not good for me, that he won’t change and that I deserve so much better than him but my heart still aches. Sometimes I wonder whether he will change and treat this lady differently because when we split up he had told me that he was working to become a better man and that he has learned from his mistakes. He said that losing me was his biggest blow and he will surely learn from it and will never do the same mistakes again. Maybe it’s this that I have at the back of my mind?

August 30, 2019 at 8:10 am #309745

Elle Bee
Participant

PS When I said she was only with him for the money it’s because he used to have a good pay working off shore but then he got hurt and had to stop from work. Money was going down for them until they almost had to sell some of their personal stuff to live. According to him she used to spend a lot of money and he also wondered whether she was ‘stealing’ his money to put into her account. Then, when they were in debt she claimed to have stopped loving him and wanted to separate from him. This is why he said she was with him for the money and I believed him and was also sorry for him and angry at how a wife can do that to her loving husband. He had stopped her from working before they even got married and he always worked for the family.. He hardly used to buy anything for him because he always gave priority to his wife and kids. He also said that he had spent 3 miserable months after she left where he had lost a lot of weight – he even showed me pictures – and also was on antidepressants. I felt sorry for him and I thought he was genuine.

August 30, 2019 at 9:02 am #309749

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle Bee:

Look at the parallel. He told you early on, about ten days after you started dating him, about his ex wife: “she was possessive and super jealous and she didn’t even let him go see his mother on his own”.

May 21 you wrote about you: “he’s putting up stories on fb with quotes such as ‘the moment love becomes demanding, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom… love cannot be jealous because love never possess. It is ugly, the very idea that you possess somebody because you love.. Love gives Freedom. Love is freedom!”-

Clearly in the context of a relationship with a woman, even a marriage, he believes that he has the freedom to have sex with other women. When the girlfriend or wife is upset about it, he lies, and when it is all over, he claims: she was possessive and jealous!

If he believes that a man has the freedom to have sex with more than one woman then he should declare it to any one woman: I am not into one woman, I am not monogamous. If you are not okay with it, we better not proceed. But that is not what he does: he leads a woman on to believe that he is monogamous, lies when he gets caught, continues to cheat and when the relationship ends he claims that the ex girlfriend or ex wife was a bad person: jealous and possessive!

“when we split up he had told me that he was working to become a better man and that he has learned from his mistakes. He said that losing me was his biggest blow and he will surely learn from it and will never do the same mistakes again”- he lied to you. It doesn’t take much time or energy to say what he said. You can see for yourself: time yourself and say out loud what I quoted above. How long did it take you to articulate the words and how much energy did it take you?

“Before he went public with this woman, even though I was seeing he was interacting with a lot of other women”- see, after he told you what I quoted above he was interacting with a lot of women. If losing you was “his biggest blow”- I would imagine he would have been too depressed to be interacting with a lot of women. I would imagine he would take some alone time to recover from… that “biggest blow”.

Regarding your recent post- maybe his wife left him because of the money issue and his cheating ways, both. It doesn’t need to be one or the other. I definitely don’t see a reason to remain loyal to a man in debt while he is sleeping with other women!

Don’t hate yourself for feeling whatever it is that you are feeling, don’t fight against your feelings- that will cause you to feel even worse. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. And a the same time, see reality for what it is, see him for who he is.

anita

August 30, 2019 at 10:01 am #309769

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Anita,

I don’t believe he actually had sex with other women, especially when he was with me but he surely cheated emotionally with sexting etc. but I do get what you mean.

I believe he did love his wife (even by the way he speaks about her – in fact sometimes I wondered whether he was over her or not) and he also loved me, but he can’t resist giving attention and be given attention to/from other women. Probably for him it’s not cheating and there’s nothing wrong with it. But still, he is a liar and that alone is something that I surely can’t live with.

As for the time alone that he should have spent, I had told him about it and told him that that’s what I did because I believe one should embrace their emotions in order to heal quicker. But he said that he’s been there and done that when his wife left him and it feels hell and didn’t want to do it again. So he preferred to go out with his friends and ‘socialize’ in order to forget. When I told him about the women that are already into him, he said that that means nothing because in his heart there’s only me. PS this is when I said that I couldn’t believe a word he said when he tried to fix things after a month or so.

Well, I will try to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and hope that these emotions fade away soon.

Thank you Anita ?

Elle

August 30, 2019 at 10:26 am #309773

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

“I believe he did love his wife.. and he also loved me” and he now loves another woman and he lies to the women he loves and cheats on them (sexting and otherwise).

This means when a woman is with him she gets L&L, Love and Lies. And cheating, because “he can’t resist giving attention.. to/ from other women”-

-It is a package deal, when a woman has him in her life, all those things.

Again, let all your emotions be and keep seeing him as he really is. Post again anytime you want to.

anita
Author

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