Hi Anita, thank-you for your reply. He was angry and passive aggressive because he resented me for spending money on things when we could have been using it for experiences and other things for our future. He did not want to talk to me about it because he liked the fact that I got a small bit of happiness from buying things during a difficult time in my life, although he obviously was not completely happy with the situation, hence the anger and passive aggressive behaviour. He explained this to me last night, and he has never told me that before. I just thought he hated me during that time.

I agree that perhaps it was being with me that brought out the worst in him. I was very flawed and unhappy due to events in my life, and I tried to make him happy but I obviously did not understand what was really bothering him as we did not communicate well.

I am not sure whether it will be a win-win. There were many aspects of our relationship that were very happy, and I feel that our biggest problem was not communicating with each other. I would have been happy to talk about anything, but he was the kind of person to bottle things up and get angry when I tried to touch on difficult subjects.

I didn’t ask him if he wanted to get back together. I thought it would be cruel to do that if I wasn’t sure myself. And I am in a relationship with someone which I haven’t ended.

Yes, it was nice to be able to have an honest talk about everything. We had never done that before. When we tried to speak it would become very emotional and heated and we would never be able to discuss anything.

I agree that we would need talk much more. But I am hesitant to do this until I am sure what I want. One of the things we would need to discuss is the jealousy issues he had. He used to get angry if anyone looked at me and he would have access to my phone and social media. I used to allow it, but I wouldn’t be able to anymore as I feel it is too intrusive.

Regarding my current relationship; I have doubts concerning a few things. He is nice to me, and he has morals and beliefs that I agree with. He doesn’t try to change me and accepts me for who I am. My doubts may seem shallow, and perhaps they are, but he isn’t very good with money and I feel apprehensive starting a future with someone who has a flaw similar to one of my own. I fear that we would be a bad influence on each other. I earn more money than him and would like to travel and buy a home in the future. I am not sure if he would be able to join me with these goals due to his financial situation and it is something I’d have to compromise on. Another thing is that he can be quite selfish. We live about 20 miles apart and during the week I always go to his place because he struggles with time keeping. I do too, but it seems that I have to be the one to make the effort. I do not feel like he would make the effort to be there for me if I needed him, unless it was very serious.

That is true. I want to speak to him further, but I am scared that he may think I’m leading him on if things don’t work out again. However, I don’t think I can complete a full divorce until my doubts are resolved. So either way, we need to speak.

I haven’t voiced my concerns with my boyfriend either. I guess I have a lot of talking to do.

You are right, I can’t make a decision before talking about things. I just feel guilty for putting my indecision on other people. I have a lot of things to figure out and I feel that I should be able to do it on my own but I can never seem to.

Hi Anita,

I saw my husband again yesterday. We spoke a lot about things. I realised that I feel a lot of responsibility and guilt for speaking with him. I know now that he very much wants to give things another try. I feel that he is much more certain than I am. He feels that it was circumstances and immaturity that broke our relationship down and that things would be different now, that we have learned from the past and wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes.

Now that I know this, I feel a lot of pressure to make things work if we decide to see each other again. I feel that just by seeing him, I should know that I want to be with him again. The truth is that I don’t know. I know that there was a time when we loved each other very much, and I haven’t been able to forget that. I know that if it was fully over for me in my mind I would have filed for divorce. But I don’t know if we would be in love again. I feel that I can’t know the answer to this unless I see him and speak to him, but as I said, I feel guilt for this because I don’t know what will happen and it will be like me leading him on.

We spoke honestly and I told him I will try and accept that he is responsible for his feelings and he is aware of the risks involved in seeing me so it is his choice to discuss these things. But the truth is that I feel a huge responsibility now because I know he will be upset if in a months time I realise that it’s over.

He took most of the responsibility for things breaking down, although he didn’t condone how I dealt with the breakup. I started dating almost straight away after leaving our home and he said he finds that hard to accept but would expect us to start with a clean slate if we were to try again.

I wanted a divorce because I felt completely alone in our marriage at the end. The relationship had grown toxic and he was cold. Now I have doubts about whether I do want a divorce because he has recognised the faults in his past behaviour and I feel like maybe it could go back to how it was before my mum passed away, when we were happy.