Well its done now, I told my friend I wouldn’t be going, that I was really sorry if I had caused any inconvenience and wished her to have a fantastic day, I didn’t really give a reason why I wasn’t going. Well her response was not a good one. she acknowledged she doesn’t see her friends often but when her friends need her, she is there for them (in the physical sense) she intended to make me feel guilty and said it was hurtful and thinks I am not being a supportive friend. she finished it by saying I have finally admitted that I don’t want to be her friend. I know she has got all her other friends so she will be ok without me. She doesn’t show that she cares very much before this. I feel good for standing up for myself but it conflicts with my beliefs about myself. That I am a bad person, not good enough.
I am having trouble typing so I will write more tomorrow.

Thankyou Anita for your support, it is really nice to hear your kind words said to me as I wouldn’t hear that from anyone else in my life, they would either judge me, doubt me or criticise, so it was very difficult for me to be assertive with her but I still believe I made the right choice as I kept remembering what you said about how if me going to the wedding wont actually change the friendship between us so I figured I have been dissatisfied enough in the friendship for years anyway so why put myself through more? I’m done with it. I am still friends with her on FB and I think at some point I will just hit delete. I can assert myself when I need and I actually come across as quite confident to some people but then people take me the wrong way as I am friendly and cheerful when I am getting to know someone and I then start to reveal other parts of me and people must not like it, peoples perception can vary from one person to the next.

I should have replied yesterday as I was in a better frame of mind, so much has happened again since I last wrote, story of my life. I get a brief moment or a couple of days if I am lucky feeling positive and strong and then a whole whirlwind of stress and worry comes. It involves my ex (daughters dad) and his partner, it means now stopping contact and I guess inside I feel so fed up with the lack of support and demands of being a parent and now I wont get any quality time to myself now, I need energy to put into finding work, starting my business, building friendships, having time to feel calm and to allow myself to just be. Life just seems so unfair, I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself but its like the universe is teasing and testing me all the time. I have been working really hard lately to have better health and it feels all my work is for nothing.

I saw my ex who I recently broke up with in his car today, I waved but he did not wave back, he is probably getting even with me as the last couple of times a similar situation has happened and he has waved and I ignored him because I was too hurt to wave back. I ended it with him as I thought he was being really insensitive about the other girl, he gave no reassurance that it was me he wanted, he hasn’t shown he is sorry, so after I told him it was over, we went quiet with no contact and then a few weeks later I realised that we still had a counselling session booked in so I asked him if he still wanted to go, thinking maybe we could make sense of where our relationship was heading, I was secretly hoping he would be really sorry for hurting me, realise he had made a mistake, acknowledged how distant he has been and promise to make it up to me but it was nothing like this at all. ( I have told him that this is what I need to be able to forgive him) He just seemed as confused as I was, we both admitted we felt relieved from the tension and he seemed a lot better in himself although when we spoke briefly I could tell he wasn’t as he started to cry. I couldn’t show empathy towards him as felt let down again during our counselling session. I feel used as he only ever just wanted to feel better about himself so all my nurture has made this happen. He didn’t fight for our relationship this time, I asked him if he was with anyone else, he said no but didn’t look me in the eye, I asked him if he had seen the girl he had a crush on, he said he tried to contact her as he was struggling to sleep again which I know is bull shit, he just wanted to see her, as soon as I said that when he should have been working on making up for his mistake he was putting his efforts into making a connection with her, he got defensive and said it was ok as I said it was over. He text me a couple of days later saying he was sorry, that we have both caused each other a lot of pain and he is still hanging on but doesn’t know what he needs to do. He admitted he promised me too much at the beginning and has let me down. He is very good at avoiding questions put to him, he twists it, turns it around or brings up another issue to throw me off. that was about a week ago and I am getting used to life without him but I still hope for his return, I miss him usually on days like today, when I feel strong I feel I don’t need anybody. I could write so much about it but it would be too draining for the one reading it.

I really do appreciate being able to come on here and write about it all, I find it really difficult to write, self expression is hard for me anyway though unless it is anger of course which is destructive but once it is all done I feel so much better.