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Should I overcome this?

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • April 3, 2016 at 9:41 am #100745
    Ankita
    Participant

    Hello everybody,

    Before I get to what I want to vent out I want to thank the tinybuddha community. An understanding and welcoming community is what we need to heal and grow together.

    Okay, now I begin to vent. I am having a tough time with being emotionally strong about something. When I was 11 or 12 years old I was alone in the classroom with a few boys. I was doing my work when I felt some pinching on my backside. I turned around and none of the boys reacted. I turned around and it happened twice again. So I turned around and sat on the desk. Then I felt someone pressing against my right breast. When I looked down the hand was taken away. I looked up and it happened again. I looked down and the hand was taken away. I got the feeling this was a boy (same age and we had never spoken to each other) standing close to me. When I looked at him he gave an embarrassed smile. I walked away. I didn’t tell anyone.

    Now the thing is this kid got ostracised in the class. He tried to make friends but he got rejected and mocked at. I was thoroughly confused what to think. Given that I have a number of embarrassing sexual experiences too (will vent those some other time) at a very young age what made him so different that no one was willing to understand him?

    Though we are not friends I have found out that he has a job and many friends now. So I wanted to ask that if you were in my place would you just let this go and not hold it against him? I find it hard because I remember the way he smiled and at the same time I think maybe it’s possible to be more emotionally mature about it that it is really not that bad.

    Please help.

    April 3, 2016 at 12:10 pm #100751
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    I would like to understand better what you are asking so that I can offer you something helpful, if I can.

    You wrote that this boy when you were 11 or 12 pinched you, maybe, but definitely pressed against your right breast. Is that right?

    How many years ago was that/ how old are you now?

    You want to know what made him do that and why he was ostracized? You feel some connection to him, that he and you have something in common because both of you were ostracized? Or had “embarrassing sexual experiences”?

    Would you like to contact him and ask him about that incident? And/ or do you want him to help you understand your own “embarrassing sexual experiences”?

    anita

    April 4, 2016 at 5:40 pm #100864
    Ankita
    Participant

    Hello.
    It’s been 16 to 17 years since then. What I am asking is that would you not hold this against him as he suffered so much and was a child too?

    I understood why he was ostracised; this wasn’t his first incident. But I don’t understand was it fair to him? Should he have been accepted regardless? Given that children do have these feelings at a young age.

    April 4, 2016 at 7:20 pm #100867
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    He was a child. I would forgive him if I was you. Absolutely. He pressed against your breast, this is all he did, as I understand it. It was inappropriate and he should have suffered some consequence for it then, 16 or 17 years ago.

    And he should have been treated well when he was a child, of course. You should have been treated well as a child too.

    Your name: time to heal. Is it time for you to heal? What will it take for you to heal?

    anita

    April 11, 2016 at 8:42 am #101519
    Ankita
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Your words make sense. I am still having a hard time though. Sometimes I feel that I can look past this and this need not define him. It doesn’t mean he is a bad person.

    Sorry to reply late. I had an operation. I am okay, nothing serious.

    April 11, 2016 at 8:47 am #101521
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    Please tell me: what would it mean to you if that boy was a bad person? Or a good person? What would be different in your life as it is now if he was good or if he was bad?

    And how do you feel about yourself, your body: is your body bad for having been touched that way many years ago?

    anita

    April 11, 2016 at 9:30 am #101531
    Ankita
    Participant

    Well, I would think that if that doesnt make him a bad person then he can change and improve his ways… He deserves happiness. I guess what would be different for me is that I would be more forgiving.

    At that time it didn’t feel good but it hasn’t affected me beyond that. I don’t feel like this body has changed for me.

    April 11, 2016 at 9:41 am #101533
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    Are you angry at that man who touched you when he was a boy in school? What are your feelings for him… do you want him to be happy? Why? Do you want him to suffer? Do you have romantic feelings for him?

    anita

    April 11, 2016 at 8:10 pm #101579
    Ankita
    Participant

    Hello,
    I do not know where these questions are going. Why are you asking?
    I don’t have any romantic feelings for him and I am not really angry either. I remember him because I wonder why he did what he did. I was pretty sexual as a pre-adolescent. If he wasn’t acceptable does that mean I wasn’t acceptable either?

    April 11, 2016 at 8:15 pm #101580
    Ankita
    Participant

    It’s not like I want him to be happy. It’s more like I think let him be happy. But it’s not enough as I haven’t reconciled with the situation.

    April 11, 2016 at 8:23 pm #101582
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    I asked those questions above because I sincerely don’t understand the situation and I am trying to understand. The questions were going for my hoped for understanding. You added something that may give me better understanding. you wrote that you were “preyyt sexual as a pre-adolescent…”

    I will ask you then the following in my efforts to understand: are you feeling ashamed for having been pretty sexual as a pre-adolesncent?

    I will be back at the computer tomorrow morning and I hope to understand then what it is you are struggling with. I would very much like it if I could help you a bit to get the peace of mind that you need regarding what is troubling you.

    Take good care of yourself!

    anita

    April 12, 2016 at 2:58 am #101605
    Ankita
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    Thanks for your time and effort! Hope it’s not an inconvenience.

    I do feel embarrassed and ashamed having been pretty sexual at a young age. Sometimes I feel I can’t live.

    Time-to-heal

    April 12, 2016 at 8:23 am #101609
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear time-to-heal:

    You are very welcome! You did mention the core problem in your original post on this thread and I missed it until now. You wrote there: “Given that I have a number of embarrassing sexual experiences too (will vent those some other time) at a very young age”

    What you are trying to heal from is your own sexual experiences at a young age, as a child still. Those experiences are troubling you very much. You think you may be worthy of being rejected, ostracized for those experiences. You then think of how you suffered otherwise as a child and you think: maybe that excuses your participation in those early sexual experiences.

    Am I correct so far? Please correct me where I am wrong.

    I believe that you carry no responsibility for your sexual experiences as a child as young as a pre- adolescent. If your parents did an excellent job parenting you, or at the least, a good-enough job, then at the time, they should have known about those behaviors (because you would have told them, having a trusting, safe relationships with at least one parent). Then your mother, let’s say, would talk with you about it and guide you. She would listen to you tell her what happened, how it felt before, during and after, talk with you about the consequences, emotional and otherwise, all age appropriate, in an accepting, not condemning way.

    I don’t think you had good enough parenting. There was no parent/ primary care taker then to notice you, to listen to you, to gently talk with you, guide you. You were alone with what happened. Am I correct?

    If I am correct, and I believe I am, you carry zero responsibility.

    What do you think so far?

    anita

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