Should I send this letter to my Ex?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 11 months ago.

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    So a little background:

    My ex and I were together for almost three years before she ultimately made the decision to end things. Her priorities were to focus on school and to be single since we’ve been together since we were both 20. In hindsight, I now see that she started withdrawing a long time ago but was probably too comfortable in the relationship to leave me until now. It was painful to come to come to terms with that since I believed so strongly in our relationship. We were each other first and longest relationship so I understand her to need to experience her other options. In the end, we broke up over all of those things mentioned above and the fact that we were in a long distance relationship (2.5 hours). I’ve come to understand that this process was painful to her as well since she had to do the breaking up. I’m sure it saddened her to know that she couldn’t give me what I deserved and that she had to let me go for me to find happiness somewhere else. I still do miss her from time to time since its only been about 1.5 months since we started no contact. She doing great things in medical school and I wish her the best even though I cannot be apart of this chapter in my life. I am graduating and starting grad school next year without her in my life as well.  This is my first heartbreak and to be honest I was devasted for weeks. It wasn’t until recently that I began to give up hope that she would see how much of a mistake that was. I wanted her to fight a little harder for us since I’ve been doing it for a majority of our relationship. I know now that there are other people more deserving of my affection and more willing to return that love back mutually. I still love my ex a lot but she has to be on her own to grow in both her career and life experiences. Every day is getting a little bit better as I think less and less about her. I really loved this girl and grew up with her with the intentions of being together for the long run. I was way too naive and blind to see that she was making it obvious that she wasn’t ready. i.e “you’re suffocating me”, “I don’t want to string you along because I can’t give you an answer”, “I need to be on my own without you as a safety blanket”. I say this not to antagonize her but to make a point that I now see where she was coming from during this time period. I wouldn’t have felt so blindsided had I been able to pick up on those things. Regardless I am choosing to make the best out of this situation as I realize this is the first time that I’m actually single in my 20s. I can actually make decisions solely for my own growth. I am learning to love myself again and honestly, it’s not too bad. I do miss having someone to talk to and confide in but its ok, that person has now become myself. As I am nearing the acceptance phase in the break up I thought that I should write her a letter. I would send it only when she has fully moved on as well since it seems like she’s still hurting a lot (learned from our mutual friend). My question is if I should send this or if I should make any necessary changes?


    Thank you, L

    You became the spark that started my journey to personal growth. I may have never taken the risk to start this without your help. I trust that our time together has helped you reach new heights as well. Your last gift to me was the ability to self-love; something that no one has been able to give me, including myself. In your absence, I have grown to become someone that I can adore and love. Our relationship may be over but the love we once shared will be eternal. I will remember in moments of growth and matriculation that this is where our love now expresses itself. They say you truly don’t miss what you have until its gone. I can’t tell you how much truth there is behind this saying. Dear, you will always be my first love and I won’t forget that. You made me the adult I am today. I could not forget us even after there were no more photos or physical reminder left. Our memories have since been engraved into my very being. To forget them would be forgetting parts of myself. L, I fell in love with all of those things that made you so beautifully you. Thank you for it all; for the love, for the hurt, the late-night cravings, the beautiful stories, the communication, the insecurities, the expressive determination, the food-ventures, the friendship, the openness, the experiences shared, the motivation, the growth, the companionship, and the final push. Thank you for being my best friend for so long. I am so proud of you and wish you the utmost success in your medical school journey. I know that you will be an amazing doctor regardless of the specialty you choose. This was my first heartbreak, I hope you can forgive the way I reacted. L, we were young and foolishly in love; the only commitment you needed to make was to yourself. There were too much uncertainty and inexperience plaguing your life. I finally understand your decision to let us go in order to focus on your career. Thank you for realizing that you could never love me the way you felt I deserved. I do not regret loving you the way I did. Perhaps, I was too naive and optimistic to see that we were holding each other back. It was unrealistic to me to be your safety blanket for so long. In hindsight, I can see that you were not ready to be at this stage of the relationship. It’s ok to be single and explore your options. L, I trust you will choose someone that respects you and makes you happy. There are no more hard feelings or bitterness. Truthfully, I have forgiven and forgotten any hurt I held on to. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you and want to reach out to you. I stop myself every time as I realize we both need the time and space to heal. Sorry that the last thing I could do for you was to go into no contact; it was the only way to respect your decision.You and I both needed to grow and experience everything this world had to offer. It’s ok to face this world as an adult without each other. I hope that you can find happiness even if it’s not with me. I pray for your wellbeing as well as your family’s wellbeing. I worry about them as my I would my own (something you might not be is unaware of). You are a good person L, someone deserving of love. Please take care of yourself and remember just how fragile your body can be. Feelings are still very raw right now but know that you will always be able to reach me when you if need. I wouldn’t trade our time together for the world. In your absence, I was able to reflect and address my own faults and weaknesses. Thank you, L, for everything that you have done. I am so proud and happy to be the person typing this letter for you. Let’s grow to be we can be; we owe it to ourselves. We will do great things in our respective field of study and perhaps we can rekindle later on as adults. I’m working hard to wrap up this semester and looking forward to my graduation. I will be sad knowing that you will not be in my life as I enter graduate school but I’ve come to terms with it. Don’t worry too much about me L, I’m hardworking so you know I persevere in the end. I trust that this universe will guide me towards happiness as it will for you. I wish you all the happiness that the world has to offer, you truly deserve it. Farewell, my fragile flower for your chapter in my book has come to a beautiful end.

    – With eternal love and
    gratitude, L




    Dear Luong,

    I do not have an answer to whether you should send the letter to your ex as I’m myself going through a relationship crisis and I’m not in the best state to give any sound opinion, however, I feel glad to see that men like you exist. The letter you’ve penned down is beautiful and is making me question the total loss of faith in love that I’d been feeling since a while. I’m sure if your ex does get to read your letter, the intensity and sincerity of your feelings for her will surely reach her.

    Wishing you all the success in your future endeavors.  May the force be with you.

    – Jen



    Dear luong:

    She told you: “you’re suffocating me”.

    Problem with the letter you are considering sending her at some point is that you are  continuing to suffocate her (her word):

    “You became the spark that started my journey to personal growth. I may have never taken the risk to start this without your help”- you are placing her as the spark of your current life, being helped by her now, even without her presence in your life. And so, you are letting her know that she is still your spark, still your focus.

    “Our relationship may be over but the love we once shared will be will always be my first love and I won’t forget that…I could not forget us…Our memories have since been engraved into my very being…”- you are letting her know that in her absence she is still present in your life, as you still love her, whether she wants that love or not.

    “Let’s grow to be we can be; we owe it to ourselves. We will do great things”- you are letting her know that in your mind, you and she are still a unit, a “we”. Again, whether she wants there to be a we or not.

    You wrote: “Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you and want to reach out to you. I stop myself every time” – this letter is that reaching out to her, wanting to continue the relationship. Better stop yourself.

    Clearly you are still emotionally attached to her, understandably. She meant a lot to you and still does. Unfortunately, the relationship is over, her choice. It really is over. This letter is not congruent with a “journey to personal growth”. Such a journey starts without her.

    My suggestion is to not send this letter.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.






    You are right Anita, I am still very attached to the idea of her.  She was someone that was in my life every day for the last three year so I couldn’t see how it’s taking longer than usual to get over her. After the break up I initiated no contact and it seems like I’m having a hard time following through with it. I don’t know Anita, I tried to hard to be a positive force in her life and did everything I could with her in mind. It just saddened me frankly that she didn’t want me in this new part of her life and I just wished that she would have been able to communicate to me her worries. I’m sure we would have been able to work things out or at least have a falling out that wasn’t this abrupt and painful. Regardless I do know that we can never be in a relationship again.  I do wish her happiness in life and hope that I can begin to move forward with time. Even after two months, I do find myself breaking down from time to time but it is getting better every day.  It is so hard to move on from someone you selflessly threw yourself into and being told that is what created the feeling of suffocation. I can understand why and truthfully I will not try not to be so intense in my next relationship.  The redound into relationship dynamic that we had was never going to work out; I was always going to feel like I had the short end of everything regardless of how hard I tried. Perhaps it will be different in my next relationship in that the other person will chase me as well. my former relationship was still good in the sense that we enjoyed a lot of adventures and experiences together. I grew a lot for her but ultimately was most beneficial for me in the end. I am going to give up my former relationship to the universe so that I can begin to heal. In due time I do hope that she’s not the first thing I think of as I wake, that I can begin to open myself up to new experiences with other people as well. The relationship is over and it would be wise to remember that. I have been good with the no contact aspect of our break up and allowing her time and space to heal. Sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up Anita, I have not been able to sleep well for some time now and find that its slowly wearing me down.



    Dear luong:

    I hope you sleep better and soon. Your thoughts do not appear “all jumbled up” though. You make sense to me.

    And I agree, better not “selflessly threw yourself into” a relationship because we… can’t do anything selflessly for a long time and be healthy at the same time. Better look for our self interest in a relationship, make it a Win-Win relationship: win for you and win for her. If it is not a Win for you, it will fail.

    You wrote: “I was always going to feel like I had the short end of everything regardless of how hard I tried.”-

    Having the “short end of everything” means it was not a Win for you, but a Lose. You got some good times but overall, you lost.

    You have to take care of yourself, to attend to your needs and see them as being as important as any other’s. This attitude and practice will lead you to a loving, healthy relationship where there is no suffocation, no chasing, no self denial.


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