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Should I tell him how I feel?

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  • #238207
    Gracie
    Participant

    So I met this guy in April on a dating website and we hung out a few times but we stopped talking after I started dating someone else. When me and this guy broke up, I reached out to him again and we’ve been hanging out again. We’ve been hanging out since August and have gotten a lot closer. We’re just friends but occasionally we kiss and cuddle. We have a mutual friend that he told he does like me a while ago but he just doesn’t know if he wants to commit. I’m giving the shorter version of this but should I tell him how I feel? Should I just not say anything for the sake of our friendship?

    #238217
    John
    Participant

    I am always confused by the “risking of our friendship” part. Are there really people out there who suddenly recoil, scream “EEEEWW!” and then don’t want to be friends anymore? The point being, the only thing you are actually risking is your ego. You are afraid he will reject you romantically and that is scary. But your ego will recover, and you risk missing a great relationship.

    I will say this: Go into this with the expectation that it won’t last. At least with this guy. He seems non-committal to say the least. This is not me saying it can’t go extremely well, he can’t get over that phobia of commitment and you guys have a great relationship forever. But I am saying you know how he feels NOW. As long as you understand that he could bolt at any time and you are okay with that and are able to be friends if that is what he decides, then go for it. However, if you are one of those people who tends to get super hurt during a breakup and doesn’t want to see the other person again, you might want to keep it casual.

    #238253
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gracie:

    I would say, yes, do tell him how you feel. “we kiss and  cuddle” you wrote.  Well,  what do the  kissing and cuddling  say to him so far, what do  these mean to him?

    Ask  perhaps, then share what these mean to you, see  if there is a meeting of the  minds there. Let’s say he says: oh, I kiss and cuddle with all my friends and you kiss and cuddle  only with him, thinking it is a personal thing, just him and you.

    See my point?

    anita

    #238689
    Gracie
    Participant

    Thank you for the input. I called him the other night and told him how I felt. He told me he’s not looking for a relationship right now. He also said it’s not completely off the table but I shouldn’t hold out for him. He just wants to stay casual right now basically. My friends think he is stringing me along and I’m kind of thinking the same thing. I know I shouldn’t hold out but, it’s difficult because I really do like him.

    #238699
    Feathering my nest
    Participant

    Did he offer any reasons or explanations?

    #238703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gracie:

    Reads to me that he  likes to hang out with you and kiss and cuddle, but wants  to kiss and  cuddle with other women too,  because  it is fun for him. I suppose it is fun for you too except that you want him to kiss and cuddle only with you.

    What women often do is hope and wait and hope that  the  man will change his mind  and  heart,  realize how special it is… only it is special for the woman, not for the man. It is fun for him as in: it  is so much fun to be with Gracie today and with Joan tomorrow!

    anita

    #238707
    Gracie
    Participant

    I think he is not ready to give up being single and the ability to do all of that with other women too. His reasoning he gave me was that he doesn’t like to rush into relationships. That they should happen naturally. He also said he can be picky because dating ultimately either leads to getting married or breaking up. So that would tie into not wanting to rush into a relationship

    #238713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gracie:

    It makes sense to not rush into a relationship, but notice what it means to not rush: for  him it may mean to have sex with different women as he takes his time, and to you, not rushing may mean being intimate with only one man and taking the time to know him in the context of a monogamous relationship.

    anita

    #238721
    Gracie
    Participant

    I completely agree with everything you said. I think I may talk with him some more to get clarity on what exactly it means by not rushing.

    #238729
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gracie:

    Reads like a good plan to me. I hope you post with an update  o n this coming conversation. You definitely deserve clarity.

    anita

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