Lovinggirl I am honored that you want me as your sounding board.
I love your gratitude list! I have a friend who puts down “waking up” and “the sun is out” as her gratitudes. I like that my friend catches even the “little things” to be grateful for. I am impressed with the fact you wrote a novel and that you work out 6 times a week all the while being a single mom.
It sounds like you have really gone through some stages of grief and loss. 9 weeks of crying every day? Wow, it sounds like you are really loved deeply and in touch with your emotions. What great qualities to have!
Your struggle whether it is OK or not to not have him in your life goes back to my measure of how I want to live my life, is it from Love or from Fear? I suspect that you are loving yourself when you want to move on and not let him negatively affect you anymore. I don’t claim to know Buddhism but it seems that what you are experiencing is being on the Eight Fold Path which is Right Understanding (http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm).
Whatever it is, it seems that you are healing and taking care of yourself.
Give yourself a hug for that and hugs to you.
Hugs to you.