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Should we give up on the beautiful life we have?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • November 14, 2013 at 6:31 pm #45341
    Benny
    Participant

    Hi, I’ll try to keep this short. My wife and I have been together for 11 years, 4.5 married. We have a boy 8 and girl 6. We are the best of friends and have built a life that we are proud of together. We have had really only one problem all this time that keeps surfacing. We dont match sexually.

    For a long time we thought it was a miss matched libido, and we worked at ways to allow her the space and saftey to feel like having sex. For a long time it was hard because I would get so frustrated, that words would boil up and I would be cross and make her very sad. She would try and try and also be frustrated at why she could just not feel a passion for me. Even when we had sex it was a if she coiled up her usually bubbily, creative and passionate personality. IShe would say there’s nothing about me that I’m great, she still says there’s nobody else she would want, and I treat her amazingly. It was very confusing. After some soul searching I realised that my actions were behind a lot of the negativity surrounding sex. The rest of our lives seemed pretty close to perfect. I felt terrible when I realised just how hard I made it for her, but also for us to just be.

    Since then I have tried to just let her be and we’ve not tried to force things. Basically just take away the pressure. She had said how she had never really fasntasized before. I suggested that she try that and see if it sparks feelings inside her. She did and she found that she had an attraction to women.

    She says that these feelings she feels are what she feels she’s been missing with us. What she imagines that I have been saying I feel for her. This has been a very tough realisation for us both. It’s like she didn’t even know thats how real want and attraction is meant to feel.

    Neither of us want to let the other go. The life we have and the love we have for each other is so deep. She really wants to want me. I really want to feel wanted by her. I keep going through what might be another reason for not feeling that way with me. Is it the negativty that surrounded sex for a long time? Is it a negative response she has surpressed that block her good thoughts about male sexuality? Because there’s things that make me question this. She can actually enjoy sex with me and orgasm. She does love me, and find me attractive. We do have the emotional connection that people need for a great love life. Why can’t the rest work?

    It’s been about 5 months since she told me about this. We’ve been going to counciling. But the thoughts of pain and sadness have not left my mind the whole time. I can’t get rid of the thoughts of this beautiful soul that I love finding love in another. Of them, not me, making her smile her beautiful smile, and seeing her reveal the passionate, creative, expressive and sexual person she is. It keeps me awake in turmoil almost every night. My pain is also causing her so much pain. She can’t think clearly because I am constantly wanting to talk about things, because somehow I hope that something else will come up and she will be able to fix it and we can live our lives again.

    I know that knowing what we know about her feelings, there is not much hope. I know the sensible thing is to let her go. Be free to explore herself and her sexuallity, without pain or guilt. I know my sadness is the casue of this pain and guilt. It’s just so hard to let go of a love that is still so strong. A family unit that is amazing. A life together that, appart from sexual desire, has all the hall marks of great happiness for us and the kids. She finds it just as hard. We know that if we split, we’ll never be far from each other, that we’ll stay friends. Do things as a family etc.

    I know that she could find a true contentment and happiness with a woman. I hope that I will find someone to share a life with. We both need to be happy whatever happens. For ours and our kids sakes. But I will never stop wanting a life with her. I am clinging to any bit of hope that I can that we can make each other fully happy. Because there’s just so much at stake, and what if she’s wrong?

    I came to this website because I think they’re seems to be a lot more genuine real people to help with advice. Rather than the ‘dude just get her and her girlfreind and have a threesome’ type advice I’ve received elsewhere. But any advice from you nice peolle would be much appraciated.

    Thank you.

    November 14, 2013 at 8:02 pm #45343
    Macintosh
    Participant

    You’re in a painful situation and the fact that you and your wife do love one another makes it even more painful. She can’t help how she feels sexually, it is what it is.

    You have some options, discuss all the pro’s and con’s of an open marriage with rules and boundaries. To stay together, continue counseling and try to make it work, or separate and still be great co parents and friends. It won’t be easy and I also suggest (depending on how young your kids are) some family counseling as well, the changes coming will affect your whole family unit.

    Is she bi curious or has she always known?

    That intimacy is a big bond between a couple and if she isn’t feeling it, she can’t fake it. It’ll hurt way worse on all levels if she gives it her best and it doesn’t work well in the bedroom.

    Hope this helps.

    November 14, 2013 at 9:21 pm #45344
    Matt
    Participant

    Benny,

    I’m sorry for the suffering and confusion you’re experiencing. It would be terrible for anyone to have a deep love for another and watch the intimacy slipping away, even with the mutual commitmemt to see it remain. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Its possible that she’s simply attracted to females, and has to follow a path without you as her romantic love. I know that hurts, but its something that (if true) you will have to grieve and heal. I mean this with deep respect for your suffering, but I know inside you there is a being who wants her to find that joy and contentment even if its not with you.

    That being said, its also possible that she simply yearns for the goddess. Said differently, if her energy has been repressed by abuse, neglect or ignorance, she may not see her own beauty, her inner goddess, but still instinctually know its there. This can cause a hunger which pulls her toward very feminine energy, which is usually expressed (obviously) in women. It’ll be something she has to figure out, and it is very necessary that you support her exploration in whatever way you can (even if it means letting her go).

    To determine which is which, she’ll have to have the inner freedom it takes to explore what it is she finds alluring in herself, and in women. Which means that you’ll have to use your compassion to temper your own desires for her, and your own desires to be wanted by her. Consider that there is nothing in her to fix, she’s not broken. She has the task of learning what makes her body sing, which is the same task we all face. By deeply rooting your patience and tempering your desire, you’ll be growing an amazing skill which you’ll take forward into each new sexual blossoming… be it with her or another. Remember that sex is about connection, and the more gentle and patient we are with its growing, the stronger it becomes.

    Said differently, step back and give her the space she needs, and with or without her you’ll find a much deeper and more fullfilling connection to the goddess, which is what you’ve been missing. Consider rereading your post, looking at how much of your desire and need is present, but hers is not. This is normal, usual, and expected… you’re clearly a deeply loving person with a great heart. But, what does she want from you? What does she need? Are those questions held as critically important in your mind? Enough to endure the grief of letting her go? Enough to set down your own desire to support her’s?

    Namaste, brother, may you find temperance and joy.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    November 15, 2013 at 2:08 am #45353
    Benny
    Participant

    Hello and thank you both for your thoughts. Macintosh she hasn’t always known, she said she’s always liked boys. I’d asked her earlier in our relationship if she had any curiosities. She said no way, that she wouldn’t know what to do a woman! It’s all just new to her, she says she not definite. More that if she thinks about it a lot if it makes sense as to why she finds things difficult. She thinks that the love she felt for me was what want and desire was, because she hadn’t known it before. But she can’t rule out it being another reason either.
    Matt I do hold what she wants and needs in great importance. I have asked her a lot about what she wants. It is incredibly hard for me to let go of my need for her partnership and her intimacy. But it is just as difficult for her to let go of our love too. She says she definitely doesn’t want us to end and really wants to find a way for us to work. She also does not want to loose what we have. Especially as she says when she’s not totally sure of her desires for women. She would not want to ruin everything ifs she’s wrong.
    Look in my heart I will do what ever she needs of me. I will let her go if that’s what’s needed. I will stay by her side and support her, if that’s what she needs. I want her to really know what ‘makes her sing’ as you said. I know I must do what I must do. I know I’m going to need to find a even more personal strength in myself too. We’re have talked and we are both committed to be great friends and parents and that won’t change.

    It’s so very hard to have everything we want seem so close yet so far. Thank you both very much for your compassion and thoughts on our situation

    November 15, 2013 at 6:59 am #45354
    Matt
    Participant

    Benny,

    The difficulty is completely understandable, and I admire your heartfelt desire to do whatever you can to see her glow. With both of your hearts looking together for a solution, there are perhaps some practices which might help. They’re fairly graphic for a public forum, so if you would like to know more you can email me and I will do my best to help.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    November 15, 2013 at 9:58 am #45359
    Benny
    Participant

    Hi Matt. I would love to know any ideas you have. How do I email you? Alternatively my email is framedinverloch@bigpond.com thank you again for your replies and help.

    November 15, 2013 at 11:16 am #45362
    Macintosh
    Participant

    Then she may very well be bi curious. Fantasy feels real but when it actually happens she may realize it’s not what she thought it would be,…Thoughts and fantasies can be powerful. It also could be that (and sorry to say this) she’s just not sexually attracted to you anymore. Sometimes it just happens with women and it’s not intentional. Everything else in your marriage is great except in the bedroom…sadly this is one reason why one or both couples end up cheating.

    Letting your wife go and have an experience with a woman might help or it might make things worse. I feel for you, you’re in a really tough situation either way.

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