I hope watching this video helps you in coming out of problem

Dear newchapteruploading:

Looking at your username, i am thinking: are you trying to open a new chapter in your life, kind of upload it? If so, to open a new chapter, we have to close the old chapter with understanding of what happened in the old chapter and what was that about. What hurt you in the old chapter… what is hurting you (since you are in the old chapter still)- what are you afraid of- when did it start, that is in what circumstances? With what thoughts? More details are required if I am to give you more feedback. Whatever your details are, the process of closing on an old chapter and opening a new one, or uploading a new chapter will not be fast and easy, or quick. It will be a process entailing you examining your history, your thoughts, feelings, etc. Maybe in a good psychotherapy setting… and maybe it will help you a little bit to do it here (or otherwise with a trusted mature enough friend).

anita

Dear newchapteruploading:

You wrote that your mother is a very anxious person and it has been passed down to you. Do you mean that it has been passed down to you genetically or environmentally? That is by Nature (genetically) or nurture (via your relationship with your mother and other experiences in childhood)?

This is an important question for me to ask, and maybe for you to answer. If you believe your anxiety is strictly genetic, then it has nothing to do with your early experiences in childhood and can only be tolerated, managed. If you believe otherwise, then it is a different story.

Waiting for your response.

anita

Dear newchapteruploading:

I agree with you that it is mainly the environment growing up, as you put it. I think you are on the right track planning on getting away and making a new life for yourself. Also, your plan to get help before you do it is also a good idea: help before and during. I grew up with a very anxious mother. Her anxiety transferred to me, not genetically, but through her talk and behavior with me and in my presence.

What kind of help are you looking for or intending to look for?

anita

Dear newchapteruploading:

I am getting more peace. My brain and my life too was a battlefield, the word you used: battlefield. My relationship with my mother drove me crazy, and so I was crazy for five decades. No matter how hard I tried to start a new life, open a new page, I even used the term myself, open a new chapter, as in a book. Again and again I tried and failed. Every time I was in the physical presence of my mother it drove me crazy, automatically. Finally I ended all contact with her in 2013. It was the most difficult thing in the world for me and it is only lately that I don’t feel the guilt I felt so intensely before.

Peace is all I ever wanted. It is still a challenge at times even though I am physically away from my mother. The thing is my mother is in my brain. Her histrionics, her teachings took root in my brain, naturally and I have to live with that and HEAL from those ineffective, self destructive neural connections in my brain formed in those formative years with her.

When you see your MD tomorrow he or she is likely to offer you psychiatric drugs. I took those for many, many years. In a few days it will be my two year abstinence anniversary from drugs, psychiatric and any other. Those drugs did not heal me, not at all, not throughout the decades I took them. What helped me was my first good-enough psychotherapist starting March 2011 and all the work I did since (Not in therapy since August 2013).

Please write more if you have something more to say, if something I wrote here makes you think of anything in particular. This healing journey you are referring to, I believe, the quest for peace of mind, closing the chapter on a lifetime of battle and starting a new chapter, yes, it is possible and doable and I wish you the best in doing so.

anita

Dear newchapteruploading: You are welcome. For me it came to a point where it was either her OR me. Who do I choose? Me or her. I chose me, with great difficulty, over time. Finally, I chose me. I couldn’t heal AND be in contact with her. It had to be one OR the other. Come back to this thread any time. When I see a new post by you, I will write back. Wishing you the very best.
anita