Hi Frozenfireflies

Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties communicating with your sister from a distance.

Is the goal to discuss your feelings or to encourage her to text more frequently or both?

If you want to put aside your feelings some encouragement might work.

I really enjoy hearing from you, reading your messages brings a smile to my face. Even though we live further away it makes me feel like we’re closer.

Obviously, you don’t have to send something exactly like this. It’s just a rough draft of what a very positive message looks like.

If you want to discuss feelings, it could put more pressure on her. But you would put it out there that perhaps the way you are being treat isn’t fair and that you would like to be closer.

I really enjoy talking to you, I miss my sister. I wish we could talk more. I know you’re really busy. But if you feel there is anything else holding you back, I’d like to hear how you feel.

Then there is a more direct approach.

I enjoy reading your messages, I wish we had a closer relationship. I feel like it’s been hard to maintain communication while living further away. I miss you a lot. It hurts not to be closer to you. I would like to focus on building a closer relationship if that is something you would like?

If you want things to change you’re probably going to have to change your response time too. Your long response time confirms that her behaviour is okay. So if you would like things to pick up, being the bigger person would be a good idea.

It’s going to be hard to directly confront her about delays in texting because you also do the same thing. The response could very well be that you do it too, so she thought it was okay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you prefer something even more direct?

Dear frozenfireflies:

Good to read from you!

“I’ve never thought of her as disliking me, yet this is the impression I’m starting to get through texting! She doesn’t share much about her own life… it takes her a couple of months to get back… Her messages that are directed at me never seem to come spontaneously or naturally, like it takes her great effort… I’d much rather see her less ‘on guard’ when it comes to my texts“-

– what you shared reminds me of the relationship between my sister and I (We also live far apart, continents between us). At one point, as I read your original post, it was almost like I wrote it. I’ll share about my experience and you can figure out what- if any- applies to your experience:

My sister growing up seemed to be much calmer and happier than I was, and she was popular, had many friends. I was anxious, obsessive, lonely and depressed a lot of the time. Fast forward, as adults, she accused me of being.. (I am trying to translate the word she used) .. she accused me of not being fun to be around. Of being.. depressing to be around. She did not enjoy my company. You can say that she didn’t like me because she felt yucky being around me.

It makes me feel not-so-good writing the above, that I made her feel yucky.. but it’s true. As a result of how she felt around me, she didn’t tell me about her life, never asked for my advice, and pretty much ignored me. On the other hand, she’s been polite, kind and supportive in the last few years, during the very rare times that we talk (only a few times per year). Thing is, I do not seek communication with her any more than she seeks communication with me.

I can’t blame her for finding my presence unpleasant, and I can’t blame myself for having been that anxious, depressed child, teenager and adult that I was. Another thought I have is about First Impressions: her first impression of me, made of many years of impressions, is what it is. It would be very difficult to change her established impression of me: too much time and trouble for me to attempt to do.

Back to you: “I’m starting to find it quite painful, feeling a bit ignored, and have thought how to bring it up with herself, which is tougher than I imagined – I can’t think of a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, but is still clear and direct. How can I do this in a tactful way? ‘I’d like to have more contact’ – is a message like that really going to stop her from feeling so timid around me?“-

-coming  from my experience, and understanding that you (unlike me) are hoping for a closer relationship with your sister, I would choose the simple, honest and direct (non-accusatory) approach and send her a relatively short message telling her how you interpret the relationship between the two of you, and then ask her if any- or all- of your interpretation is correct.

anita

Hi Frozenfireflies

That makes sense and sounds like a healthy way to approach the situation. I’m glad the examples helped.

I understand, it can be difficult figuring out how to communicate difficulties with relationships in a positive way. It’s totally understandable to want your feelings to be heard too.

I can hear how challenging it has been for you moving further away, the difficulties of the pandemic and losing friends. I understand wanting to be close to your family and how it can hurt to be less close with them.

It is a shame when people are conflict avoidant because ultimately healthy conflict is intended to  to clear the air, resolve problems, empathise with each other and validate emotions.

I hope it doesn’t come to that and your sister responds positively to your chosen less direct approach first.

Apologies regarding the misunderstanding about texting time.

Dear Frozenfireflies:

We explored your relationship with your husband in your first thread, ‘Negative Conflict Styles,’ from Dec 9, 2022, to Feb 22, 2023, and your relationship with your sister in this thread, from Feb 3–6, 2023. Rereading your posts today, I was struck by your remarkable self-awareness and intelligence—both rational and emotional—as well as your kindness and grace. It would be wonderful to hear from you again, whether about these two relationships or anything else happening in your life.

Dear Lucidity:

Thank you for sharing your story—it’s clear how much this relationship means to you and how deeply you’ve been hurt by the lack of effort from your sister. I can relate to two key aspects of what you’ve shared:

1) A Troubled Childhood: “Troubled household due to problematic parents.” Like you, I grew up in a difficult household with problematic parents. My parents divorced early on, and I was raised by my mother alongside my younger sister.

2) The Impact on Sibling Bonds: “Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close.” Similarly, growing up in such an environment, my focus was entirely on managing the unpredictability of my mother. This left little room for me to bond with anyone, including my sister.

Growing up in a household filled with chronic stress and conflict can leave siblings emotionally drained, with little energy to invest in their relationship with one another. Competing for parental attention and praise can create distance, and if parents pit siblings against each other through comparisons or favoritism, it deepens that divide even further.

Siblings often cope with the challenges of a troubled household differently. For instance, one sibling might emotionally withdraw as a way to protect themselves, avoiding deep connections, while the other actively seeks relationships to fill the emotional void. These contrasting coping styles can lead to an emotional disconnect—one sibling may perceive the other as distant, while the other may feel overwhelmed or pressured by attempts at closeness.

Additionally, when siblings experience trauma or neglect, they might unintentionally associate each other with those painful memories. This can result in avoidance or emotional distance later in life.

Do you feel that any of this resonates with your experience?

One thing to consider is adjusting your expectations—not as giving up, but as a way of protecting your emotional health. You can express care for your sister without feeling solely responsible for maintaining the relationship. Accepting her as she is, while holding healthy boundaries, might help reduce feelings of sadness and frustration.

If it feels right, you could also gently share your feelings in a non-confrontational way. For example: “I always appreciate hearing from you—it brightens my day. I’d love for us to chat more often if possible.” This could encourage her without creating pressure.

Lastly, I encourage you to focus on nurturing relationships with others who value and respect your efforts. Her behavior is not a reflection of your worth—you absolutely deserve connections that bring you joy and fulfillment.

I hope this helps, and I’m wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and empathy. I can see what a thoughtful and kind person you are, a blessing for your sister if she allowed you in.

When I read your words, “I have tried not to come across as heavy or negative with her”, I was amazed because these words “heavy” and “negative” were the exact words my sister used to describe me, in a complaining kind of way.

It was a crazy experience growing up: the household was unpredictable, heavy and negative. I reflected it in my mood and behaviors and in my social isolation. But my sister- her mood seemed to be fine and dandy, light and positive, and she had many friends. That made me feel crazy, as if we were living in parallel universes.

Fast forward to today, unfortunately- she is no longer light and positive. Sadly, she is heavy and negative and I am lighter and more positive. And she has been socially isolated for some time while I feel more connected to people than I ever did.

Looking back at the situation- she denied the negativity of our childhoods and suppressed her emotions best she could, and it worked for her benefit for many years (not entirely, as she suffered migraines and used to faint as a child)- until it didn’t.

Maybe your sister has been doing the same thing- suppressing her emotions and denying reality, and communicating with you threatens her denial and suppression. Maybe some day she’ll be open to confronting her early life experience and communicating with you honestly and openly. Maybe not.

I understand your need for something tangible that confirms this estrangement between you and your sister. It doesn’t feel like vindictiveness to me- it feels like a natural instinct to seek closure rather than walking away uncertain. But from my experience, the certainty is already there: your way of confronting reality contrasts with her way of avoiding reality, an that may be all that it’s about. What do you think?

My sister and I sometimes talk on the phone and have better communication than ever. We are empathetic and respectful to each other, but we never talk about our childhoods or about our mother. I wish I could help her.

I know this is hard, Lucidity, and I hope that you find.. lucidity sooner than later. I would love to read from you about tomorrow.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

Your post carries so much depth, reflection, and emotional truth. At the heart of all of this is your longing for genuine connection, a desire for reciprocity and engagement that wasn’t met despite your efforts. You tried, you accommodated, and you held space for the possibility of change—but ultimately, you saw that continuing the cycle only drained you emotionally. Your decision to step away, put the responsibility on your sister, and reclaim your own boundaries is both courageous and self-respecting.

Still, in the clarity, there is grief. You mourn not just the relationship that never fully formed but the childhood disconnect that preceded it—the realization that you and your sister were strangers even while living under the same roof. The contrast between your experiences is striking: while she had the support you craved, she remains emotionally distant and unavailable, deepening the frustration and alienation you feel.

I can see how painful it must be to witness her sharing personal updates with near-strangers while keeping you at arm’s length, especially after expressing the desire to be closer. But in choosing clarity over longing, self-respect over accommodation, you are freeing yourself from the emotional merry-go-round that has exhausted you.

Your sister’s avoidance speaks volumes—not about you, but about what she may be unwilling or unable to face. A deeper relationship with you might require her to confront hard truths about your shared past, her privilege within that system, and the emotional discomfort that comes with true vulnerability. She may fear disrupting her carefully controlled reality, where deep conversations and truth-telling could introduce turbulence she isn’t prepared to handle.

It’s not surprising that your empathy toward her is active and reflective, while hers, at best, is passive and detached—perhaps self-protective, but ultimately, emotionally distant. You seek connection, understanding, reciprocity, and honesty; she seems to seek comfort, stability, and distance from emotional complexity.

Though this resolution comes with sadness, it also comes with strength. You have chosen to honor your boundaries, to free yourself from an exhausting dynamic, and to move forward with clarity instead of waiting for something that may never arrive. That is a kind of healing, even if it isn’t the closure you had once hoped for.

our mother’s role in our lives, but she was resistant and invalidating, suggesting that I misinterpreted things or was too sensitive. Such conversations have ended long ago. Our occasional (far from frequent) talks are about her personal, current concerns. She is suffering a lot and I postpone calling her simply because I am afraid of the pain I will feel with new revelations about her sufferings, mental, emotional and even physical. ”
Here’s a polished version of your heartfelt reflection, with improved flow and clarity while preserving the depth of your emotions:

In regard to my sister and me, we were, much like you and your sister, “strangers even while at home.” Perhaps she tried to get close to me—being six years younger—but maybe I rejected her. I don’t remember. I have only a few fragmented memories of her while I was growing up (or as I prefer to say, “growing-in,” as in inward, isolated on every level). I have no recollection of either of us trying to bridge that gap, no memory of me reaching out to her or her reaching out to me.

Sadly and regretfully, I physically abused her. I have one vivid memory of it—she was maybe two, and I was eight—but I’ve been told there were many more incidents. I deeply regret those moments. If only I could go back in time.

Interestingly, she never complained about the physical abuse—not mine, nor the abuse inflicted by our mother. There was just so much of it—physical abuse, shaming, guilt-tripping—all directed at both of us by our mother. It was overwhelming, a constant storm we endured together yet separately.

For whatever it’s worth, as an adult, I’ve tried to make amends. I sent her large amounts of money along with heartfelt apologies, hoping to express my regret and take responsibility for the harm I caused.

As adults, I’ve also tried to have conversations with her about our childhood, particularly about our mother’s role in our lives. But she has been resistant and invalidating, often suggesting that I misinterpreted things or was simply too sensitive. Those conversations ended long ago. Now, our occasional—and far from frequent—talks revolve around her personal, current concerns.

She is suffering a lot, and I find myself postponing calls with her. I hesitate because I fear the pain I’ll feel when faced with new revelations about her struggles—mental, emotional, and even physical.

I would love to read your thoughts about what I expressed in this post in regard to your situation and mine. Any advice for me, Lucidity?

anita