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Sister takes long to respond to messages

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 days ago by anita.
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  • #414913
    frozenfireflies
    Participant

    I have noticed that my sister takes longer to write texts back to me than other people, like my parents. We live at far distance from each other and hence we don’t often meet in person, especially since the pandemic. I would like to have a closer digital relationship, but I’m not sure she is that interested. I’ve never thought of her as disliking me, yet this is the impression I’m starting to get through texting! She doesn’t share much about her own life anyway.

    We usually write some longer messages, where it takes her a couple of months to get back. For me it can take up to a couple of weeks as well. I understand that she is very busy in real life and longer messages take more time, but I’ve noticed she gets back more quickly to other people in some chat groups we’re both in. In these groups the messages are pretty short (sometimes photos as well) and often even an emoji would suffice as an answer. I can tell she is online and has seen what I sent, but nothing follows. If other people in my family had sent that same thing, she would’ve shared an instant reaction. Her messages that are directed at me never seem to come spontaneously or naturally, like it takes her great effort.

    I’ve discussed it with my mother and she has noticed it too. My mother doesn’t know for sure why it would happen, but she thinks my sister might want to put more thought into the responses she sends to me. But I’d much rather see her less “on guard” when it comes to my texts. I’m starting to find it quite painful, feeling a bit ignored, and have thought how to bring it up with herself, which is tougher than I imagined – I can’t think of a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, but is still clear and direct. How can I do this in a tactful way? “I’d like to have more contact” – is a message like that really going to stop her from feeling so timid around me?

    #414914
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Frozenfireflies

    Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties communicating with your sister from a distance.

    Is the goal to discuss your feelings or to encourage her to text more frequently or both?

    If you want to put aside your feelings some encouragement might work.

    I really enjoy hearing from you, reading your messages brings a smile to my face. Even though we live further away it makes me feel like we’re closer.

    Obviously, you don’t have to send something exactly like this. It’s just a rough draft of what a very positive message looks like.

    If you want to discuss feelings, it could put more pressure on her. But you would put it out there that perhaps the way you are being treat isn’t fair and that you would like to be closer.

    I really enjoy talking to you, I miss my sister. I wish we could talk more. I know you’re really busy. But if you feel there is anything else holding you back, I’d like to hear how you feel.

    Then there is a more direct approach.

    I enjoy reading your messages, I wish we had a closer relationship. I feel like it’s been hard to maintain communication while living further away. I miss you a lot. It hurts not to be closer to you. I would like to focus on building a closer relationship if that is something you would like?

    If you want things to change you’re probably going to have to change your response time too. Your long response time confirms that her behaviour is okay. So if you would like things to pick up, being the bigger person would be a good idea.

    It’s going to be hard to directly confront her about delays in texting because you also do the same thing. The response could very well be that you do it too, so she thought it was okay.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you prefer something even more direct?

    #414915
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Might also be a good idea to call each other too.

    #414917
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear frozenfireflies:

    Good to read from you!

    I’ve never thought of her as disliking me, yet this is the impression I’m starting to get through texting! She doesn’t share much about her own life… it takes her a couple of months to get back… Her messages that are directed at me never seem to come spontaneously or naturally, like it takes her great effort… I’d much rather see her less ‘on guard’ when it comes to my texts“-

    – what you shared reminds me of the relationship between my sister and I (We also live far apart, continents between us). At one point, as I read your original post, it was almost like I wrote it. I’ll share about my experience and you can figure out what- if any- applies to your experience:

    My sister growing up seemed to be much calmer and happier than I was, and she was popular, had many friends. I was anxious, obsessive, lonely and depressed a lot of the time. Fast forward, as adults, she accused me of being.. (I am trying to translate the word she used) .. she accused me of not being fun to be around. Of being.. depressing to be around. She did not enjoy my company. You can say that she didn’t like me because she felt yucky being around me.

    It makes me feel not-so-good writing the above, that I made her feel yucky.. but it’s true. As a result of how she felt around me, she didn’t tell me about her life, never asked for my advice, and pretty much ignored me. On the other hand, she’s been polite, kind and supportive in the last few years, during the very rare times that we talk (only a few times per year). Thing is, I do not seek communication with her any more than she seeks communication with me.

    I can’t blame her for finding my presence unpleasant, and I can’t blame myself for having been that anxious, depressed child, teenager and adult that I was. Another thought I have is about First Impressions: her first impression of me, made of many years of impressions, is what it is. It would be very difficult to change her established impression of me: too much time and trouble for me to attempt to do.

    Back to you: “I’m starting to find it quite painful, feeling a bit ignored, and have thought how to bring it up with herself, which is tougher than I imagined – I can’t think of a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, but is still clear and direct. How can I do this in a tactful way? ‘I’d like to have more contact’ – is a message like that really going to stop her from feeling so timid around me?“-

    -coming  from my experience, and understanding that you (unlike me) are hoping for a closer relationship with your sister, I would choose the simple, honest and direct (non-accusatory) approach and send her a relatively short message telling her how you interpret the relationship between the two of you, and then ask her if any- or all- of your interpretation is correct.

    anita

    #415060
    frozenfireflies
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    Thank you for your message! I’d say the goal is both. I’d like a bit more contact and hear from her when things matter in the moment (rather than weeks/months after they happened – or through my parents, as usually happens nowadays). If she’s interested in this too, of course. I’m genuinely interested in her life.

    Thank you for your suggestions. Maybe it sounds silly but it actually really helps to get examples from someone else’s perspective. I think I will take a less direct approach first, so she knows I appreciate hearing from her, and if not much changes, I’ll just say it loud and clear (…that sounds more aggressive than I mean!).

    As for my response time, I hear what you’re saying, but I should clarify that I only take longer when messages are really long. When she sends shorter things, I almost always respond within 24 hours, such as after our New Year’s messages. I responded on the 1st of Jan and asked her how hers was, and I still haven’t heard back, while we’re already in February. (I truly don’t know how much about this is being busy and how much is about not truly being interested. If she wasn’t, I also don’t think she would tell the truth as she’s very non-confrontational.)

    I’ve realised that with me moving further away and the distancing over the pandemic, I’ve actually lost quite a few people in my life and maybe it just makes me value family members more.

    #415061
    frozenfireflies
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thank you for your message and it’s really interesting to hear this. Did your sister directly express this to you? (If I’m correct in my interpretation, these were her words, albeit translated.) It sounds like quite a painful thing to hear from someone in your family.

    It could be that my sister feels similar on some level. I fought quite a lot of internal battles over the years.

    I think you are right about not making the message too long, not too heavy. I have no idea what’s going on in her mind, so maybe her response will be very different from what I expect and she was just too afraid to communicate some things herself.

    #415063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear frozenfireflies:

    You are welcome. Her word, literally translated was that I am “heavy”, but she didn’t mean physically heavy, but mentally, as in depressing to be around.

    I have no idea what’s going on in her mind, so maybe her response will be very different from what I expect“- excellent attitude for a possible beginning of an honest conversation: don’t assume but ask with an open mind.

    anita

    #415065
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Frozenfireflies

    That makes sense and sounds like a healthy way to approach the situation. I’m glad the examples helped.

    I understand, it can be difficult figuring out how to communicate difficulties with relationships in a positive way. It’s totally understandable to want your feelings to be heard too.

    I can hear how challenging it has been for you moving further away, the difficulties of the pandemic and losing friends. I understand wanting to be close to your family and how it can hurt to be less close with them.

    It is a shame when people are conflict avoidant because ultimately healthy conflict is intended to  to clear the air, resolve problems, empathise with each other and validate emotions.

    I hope it doesn’t come to that and your sister responds positively to your chosen less direct approach first.

    Apologies regarding the misunderstanding about texting time.

    #444501
    Lucidity
    Participant

    Hi frozenfireflys,

    Im not sure if this issue has been resolved for you by now as I realise you asked this question 2 years ago. I came across your post when I was searching for answers on more or less the exact same issue. My sister and I are adults, have our own young families, live on other sides of the planet, and are not close nor were we ever close. I think perhaps we differ on that last point as I get the impression you and your sister may have been at some point maybe?

    Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close (troubled household due to problematic parents). I have reached out quite a few times over the decades expressing that I would like us to be closer but she has never been open to this until recently when our mother died. Even so, I am still the one to reach out and she still takes a fortnight or so to respond to even simple one line texts from me such as “How are you doing?” When she does get back to me she is nice about it, gives her reasons, and acknowledges that it’s taken ages to respond but it doesn’t seem to change how she interacts with me going forward. She is in general conflict avoidant so if I raise this as an issue she will agree but, as has been her usual pattern, do little about it anyway.

    I tend to respond to her within a day while she takes an order of magnitude longer. I want more instant, open dialogue with her, more connection, but my requests to video call go unanswered for weeks too and then it feels one sided on the few occassions when we have managed to talk. I get the impression I want this more than her but she has expressed she wants it too so I’m confused, lost in limbo, and feel like she is saying this to appease me. Relationships take effort but her effort is underwhelming me and unfortunately it’s been her lifelong pattern with me. I’m so sad about it but not sure what to do. I feel that my honesty would add pressure on her and she would have more reason to avoid me.

    If you had to overcome this type of situation, I’d be keen to know how you managed it. Hoping this thread is still active 🤞

    #444519
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frozenfireflies:

    We explored your relationship with your husband in your first thread, ‘Negative Conflict Styles,’ from Dec 9, 2022, to Feb 22, 2023, and your relationship with your sister in this thread, from Feb 3–6, 2023. Rereading your posts today, I was struck by your remarkable self-awareness and intelligence—both rational and emotional—as well as your kindness and grace. It would be wonderful to hear from you again, whether about these two relationships or anything else happening in your life.

    Dear Lucidity:

    Thank you for sharing your story—it’s clear how much this relationship means to you and how deeply you’ve been hurt by the lack of effort from your sister. I can relate to two key aspects of what you’ve shared:

    1) A Troubled Childhood: “Troubled household due to problematic parents.” Like you, I grew up in a difficult household with problematic parents. My parents divorced early on, and I was raised by my mother alongside my younger sister.

    2) The Impact on Sibling Bonds: “Because of how we were raised, my sister and I have never been close.” Similarly, growing up in such an environment, my focus was entirely on managing the unpredictability of my mother. This left little room for me to bond with anyone, including my sister.

    Growing up in a household filled with chronic stress and conflict can leave siblings emotionally drained, with little energy to invest in their relationship with one another. Competing for parental attention and praise can create distance, and if parents pit siblings against each other through comparisons or favoritism, it deepens that divide even further.

    Siblings often cope with the challenges of a troubled household differently. For instance, one sibling might emotionally withdraw as a way to protect themselves, avoiding deep connections, while the other actively seeks relationships to fill the emotional void. These contrasting coping styles can lead to an emotional disconnect—one sibling may perceive the other as distant, while the other may feel overwhelmed or pressured by attempts at closeness.

    Additionally, when siblings experience trauma or neglect, they might unintentionally associate each other with those painful memories. This can result in avoidance or emotional distance later in life.

    Do you feel that any of this resonates with your experience?

    One thing to consider is adjusting your expectations—not as giving up, but as a way of protecting your emotional health. You can express care for your sister without feeling solely responsible for maintaining the relationship. Accepting her as she is, while holding healthy boundaries, might help reduce feelings of sadness and frustration.

    If it feels right, you could also gently share your feelings in a non-confrontational way. For example: “I always appreciate hearing from you—it brightens my day. I’d love for us to chat more often if possible.” This could encourage her without creating pressure.

    Lastly, I encourage you to focus on nurturing relationships with others who value and respect your efforts. Her behavior is not a reflection of your worth—you absolutely deserve connections that bring you joy and fulfillment.

    I hope this helps, and I’m wishing you clarity and peace as you navigate this.

    anita

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