Hi Anita and Yana,

I have no issues with you weighing in Yana. We are having the discussion on a public forum and we all seem to be bringing our shared experience into this. I certainly appreciate that :o) In all honesty, I feel like I have hijacked the original thread but since its still on topic I guess thats still ok? Im not sure what the rules are around this on this forum but I hope we are in the clear.

Anita, thanks for your evaluation of your thoughts on what I have shared with you. Its always eye opening to take in and hear what others make of it. For me theres a lot of validation in that. Hearing my story reflected back to me by someone who has been listening and is free thinking and has wisdom and compassion is like having a plant that is growing inside of me being watered – hope that makes sense. Know that you are not alone in your pain and that your pain was most likely grown from a seed that was not planted there by you alone. Traumas, or cPTSD – complex post traumatic stress disorder – that arise thro social situations tend to have tendrils that feed into all parties. Its rare that the perpetrator would not have been influenced by a victim of some other situation – as in your sister and you, your mum and you, your mum and your sister. I mean, my sister was a victim of my victimhood to my parents. Even so, the chain can be broken up into moments for which we can take accountability if it is clear we should. Likewise, others in that chain can take accountability for their own actions. Just because yours was earlier in the chain doesnt mean your sister is exempt from being responsible for her behaviour towards you in other future interactions, especially years later. Sidelining the pain that your sister caused you in a totally separate encounter because you happened to have been the cause of one source of pain for her years earlier is to minimise yourself as a person and your own self-respect. Thats what I think at least. She may never take accountability for her actions but you shouldnt have to carry all the guilt and blame.

Yana, thanks for sharing! Reading how your sister was with you reminds me a little of how I was with my sister. Nowadays I see parents try to give each of their children their own ‘world’ so to speak so that each child has experience of being in the centre, or having their own space. Back when I was a kid, and maybe with you too, my mum stuck my sister onto the back of everything I did. I had a much smaller world than my sister got anyway but she got her own world and mine too. Not making excuses for your sister – certainly not. She sounds mean and it sounds like she continued to be that way given how she put her own son into the picture. Im really sorry that your nephew had to be exposed to that. What you said about your dad changing once you were born and how that shaped how you saw him, which was in a good light, and how your older siblings saw him, which was in a bad light, is something I can relate too. I have shared a few things with my sister, and altho she also sees my dad in a harsher light, it is not as bleak as how I see him and she has expressed in the past that she had no idea he was that hard on me. I cant find a way around addressing this gap as it is the reason why I am as I am with him but, because my sister doesnt like how my dad and I clash, she has a problem with that and it in itself is an issue between us over and above all the other issues that are directly between my sister and I. By the way, I absolutely love the image you pain of your time with your brother and you. You are lucky to have each other in your lives and lucky also that he felt safe enough to tell you to back off when he felt it was too much for him and for you to take that well and give him the space he wanted.

Something you both have said that has made me re-evaluate things is that you each dont necessarily want a deep relationship with your sister. I may have to re-think my situation and learn to accept the superficial nature of the contact I had with my sister. It feels that holding onto it hurts me but letting it go does too. It sounds like I have some deeper issues in myself that I need to level with. Now I just have to figure out what they could be :o) Any advice on that most welcome :o)