Dear Kadija:

For as long as you don’t trust your own thinking, for as long as you believe that you are responsible for the man’s behavior and that if there is something wrong- it is your fault.. for as long as you believe a man who insults you- you need not be in a relationship because you are not equipped for one.

If you make your own money, please use it for competent therapy where you will learn to trust your own thinking, where you will learn to evaluate people and situations correctly.

After a few months of useful psychotherapy, maybe then you will be ready to choose a man wisely and carry on a loving, mutually respectful relationship.

anita

Dear Bernadette:

Being “so naïve” (the title of your thread) means that you didn’t learn from your experience. Here are a few things you can consider as learning opportunities from your last relationship:

1. “he went to prison for drugs I stood by him for 9 months, did everything I could to offer support”- him committing a crime, what does it say about him? He may be innocent of the crime and it may be a crime that you don’t agree should be a crime (ex. if you believe drugs should be legalized), but pay attention to the person and examine what he believes to be Right and Wrong. Ask him questions.

2. “he got released and he came over to be with me and everything was fine”- maybe you shouldn’t have had him live with you but live separately and you could get to know him OUTSIDE prison from a distance, in separate households. All that you learned about him while he was in prison does not count as knowing him outside of prison, so it was not the right choice to have him live with you upon his release.

“slowly I started to see a side of him i didn’t know, he is so jealous that I can’t talk to any male friend, he blows all his pay on cigarette and drinks” – you could have learned these things about him while he lived elsewhere, not with you.

3. “I have to pay everything at home, when I ask for financial help he says he helps me at home with errands so he doesn’t feel he has to pay, plus he can’t afford any. We argue so much all the time”- in the future, you don’t have to argue, you don’t have to talk a person into contributing financially to the shared household. If he can’t or he won’t- he doesn’t move in to begin with. You evaluate and discuss the financial arrangement BEFORE his moving, while still considering it.

4. “and he says some hurtful words to me about the fact that I’m older than he, and throw back all my life stories in my face that I’m a bad person and that’s the reason no man will live with me.”- the moment he says these things- he has to be out of your home. And once he is out, do not consider him back.

“Honestly I can’t believe he is that kind of person”- believe it. Naiveté is about not believing the evidence in front of you. Believe it, he is that kind of a person. Don’t have him move back in. In the future learn WHO the person is before moving in.

“I’m shock as I didn’t think after everything I did to help him when he was in jail he would be so abusive to me.”- learn then, that a person can help another a whole lot, and then the person helped turns against the helper. Let this reality not shock you anymore.

5. “when we broke up he ask me for money that he helped me build and outdoor shed, I told him that he’s lived with me and hasn’t contributed anything so I don’t owe him anything, he became abusive and started insulted me, I gave him some cash and told him to leave.”- don’t reward a person for insulting you by giving him cash. You should have told him to leave without the cash.

6. “I’ve lost faith in finding a good man, I have been in and out of the same kind of relationship for over 18 yrs now. Men who just use me and my generosity, and then when I get tired of their ways, they leave.”- change policy and no longer be generous to a man without learning who the man is, first. Only if it is a decent generous man, then be generous yourself.

* “It’s very traumatic for me but don’t know how to break from this chain”- learn from your experience and you will no longer be naïve.

anita

Dear Kadija/ Bernadette:

You are welcome.

Cutting all ties with him is the right thing to do. Don’t take him back for saying “sorry and bla bla”- why give “bla bla” any importance.

If and when you meet another man, come back to this thread and I can help you evaluate him, if you’d like. You can also come back to your thread (or start another) anytime, otherwise.

anita

Dear Kadija:

When you get insulted in your own home, again and again, by a nice boyfriend turned cruel, it is difficult to be “a saint” and never say any insulting word back to him. We are humans, not saints.

And so, you have him out of your home- keep it this way.

When you got to know your last boyfriend, when he was in jail, and you heard him blame other people for his crime, for his choices and his life and not taking responsibility, you could have understood then that he will probably blame you too, later, and that he probably continue to not take responsibility for his choices.

And so, instead of thinking, maybe, that he will make an exception for you (that he will take a break from being him because of how nice you were to him), you could have learned early, before having him live with you, that it was not a good idea.

Next time, next man, notice his behavior with other people, if he is angry at a lot of other people, suggesting he is always the victim of bad people, figure you will be … his next “bad person”- one for him to blame.

anita