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So naive.

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  • #123019
    Bernadette
    Participant

    I was dating my bf for two years, we got together after I broke up from my ex, to begin with my bf was nice and helpful, I helped him a lot during our time together, he went to prison for drugs I stood by him for 9 months, did everything I could to offer support, he got released and he came over to be with me and everything was fine, slowly I started to see a side of him i didn’t know, he is so jealous that I can’t talk to any male friend, he blows all his pay on cigarette and drinks, I have to pay everything at home, when I ask for financial help he says he helps me at home with errands so he doesn’t feel he has to pay, plus he can’t afford any. We argue so much all the time and he says some hurtful words to me about the fact that I’m older than he, and throw back all my life stories in my face that I’m a bad person and that’s the reason no man will live with me.
    Honestly I can’t believe he is that kind of person, I’m shock as I didn’t think after everything I did to help him when he was in jail he would be so abusive to me.
    We have broken up 2 wks ago and he’s staying with his mum, when we broke up he ask me for money that he helped me build and outdoor shed, I tole him that he’s lived with me and hasn’t contributed anything so I don’t owe him anything, he became abusive and started insulted me, I gave him some cash and told him to leave. Since that he’s been texting me every evening saying he misses me and love me and he’s sorry, honestly a weight has been lifted on my shoulder since he left as he was always accusing me of things that builds in his head, like im cheating on him, like I would never find a good man as I’m a bad woman, yet he wants to get back with me. I’ve also texted him to say how much I regret getting involve with him, it’s true as I’ve helped him so much and now I’m made to feel the bad person.

    He works yet never has cash as he blows everything on drinks and smoke, I don’t drink or smoke, I work hard and have to pay for everything the only thing he does is help me with chores when he is not busy and that’s his reason not to contribute to the household.
    Last night he called me very late and he sounded drunk, he got annoyed cause I was sleeping and didn’t want to talk. I told him not to call me and to leave me alone.

    My problem is I keep dating the same kind of men, men who don’t have much responsibilities to the household, in fact I am the one who has to provide everything to run the household. In the end I get bitter and argue and then I’m told I’m dramatic, bad, all kinds of things.
    I’ve lost faith in finding a good man, I have been in and out of the same kind of relationship for over 18 yrs now. Men who just use me and my generosity, and then when I get tired of their ways, they leave.

    I’ve tried to talk to a psychologist but she wasn’t helpful. I also think I have some problems when it comes to dating, cause all my friends are in long term relationships whereas I’m always making up and breaking up. It’s very traumatic for me but don’t know how to break from this chain.

    Any one please advise, share the light.
    Best
    Kadija

    #123023
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kadija:

    To gain more understanding I read just a bit from your previous posts, starting May 2013. Indeed, you are aware that you have been “dating the same kind of men” for many years.

    Seems like the same kind of men you are referring to are live-in boyfriends who will either keep their finances a secret from you while you are open about your finances and/ or will not contribute financially, who go live with their mothers when breaking up with you (and then come back); men who are either abusive or otherwise give you the silent treatment, etc.

    You mentioned that you saw a psychologist who was not helpful. Did she/ he ask you about your childhood and did you discuss it there? Will you share about it here; what kind of relationships you had with your parent/s and what did you do, as a child, to get their attention and love?

    anita

    #123028
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    The psychologist I saw didn’t ask me much, she just said I need to deal with my issues and that I had two choices. Stop seeing my ex or sort out the relationship. She didn’t ask anything about my past or my struggles, basically she just said I choose how I want to be treated..
    Yes you are right, I keep dating the same kind of man. I’ve realised that only after things go bad in the relationship.
    I feel very hurt and bitter as most of the time even tho I’m with someone I feel so alone.
    I didn’t have much. Of a relationship with my parents, I remember there was a lot of problems at home, my mum was mostly quiet, I remember my mum arguing a lot over my dad’s cheating, mum tried her best to run the house smoothly, she was a housewife and my dad was working, mum earn money as well, she did sewing.
    I got married very young and had kids young, my husband was also abusive and a drinker.i had to run the household and raise the kids. It was a struggle as we would always be breaking up and making up over 14 yrs together. And after my divorce I dated but seems I go for the same type of guys, they do appear very nice when we started dating, just that after things get bad, they say I’m needy, clingy, and so on, I’m not sure if I’m like this. Just that when I talk about things I don’t like in the relationship they get defensive blames me, insult me…
    I’m not sure if I trigger these things..
    I dunno.

    #123030
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kadija:

    That is a problem: when you suspect that maybe you caused the man’s bad behavior, then you think that you need to change and if you change then he will change.

    Clarity of thinking on your part will make all the difference. The title of your thread is “So naïve”- as long as you don’t have clarity, as long as you don’t LEARN, you remain naïve, not knowing, lost.

    When you communicate your needs and feelings with a man, and he responds by blaming you, what happens next is-

    You agree with the man. You agree it is your fault. End of story. And so, you take him back. Unsatisfied again, you communicate your dissatisfaction, he blames you, you take the blame and … repeat.

    Let’s look at the behavior of the man you posted about here, let’s look at what is his fault, his responsibility and what is yours:

    “..to begin with my bf was nice and helpful”- that is what he did, his behavior, so far, so good.

    “I helped him a lot…I stood by him for 9 months, did everything I could to offer support” – this is your part. So far, he was nice and helpful to you and you were nice and helpful to him.

    Next he moved in with you and displayed these behaviors, all HIS behaviors, all his responsibility:
    *”so jealous that I can’t talk to any male friend”
    *”he blows all his pay on cigarette and drinks”
    *”when I ask for financial help he says he helps me at home with errands so he doesn’t feel he has to pay”
    *”he says some hurtful words to me about the fact that I’m older than he, and throw back all my life stories in my face that I’m a bad person and that’s the reason no man will live with me”

    These are all HIS bad behaviors, not yours.

    But notice this: “Honestly I can’t believe he is that kind of person, I’m shock as I didn’t think after everything I did to help him when he was in jail he would be so abusive to me.”- this is where you are stuck. You don’t believe the evidence in front of you (those following the “*” above). You don’t accept the evidence as true, and instead you are in a state of shock.

    When he asked you for money for the building of the shack, and was wrong to ask you (since he himself said that such help counts as his contribution), he became abusive and started insulted you. Next thing you did was to give him cash.

    Seems to me like you don’t trust your own thinking. All a person has to do is to insult you… and that is evidence to you that you were wrong?

    If your answer to the last question is yes, where does this come from, do you think?

    anita

    #123049
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    In all my relationship I always feel like I done something wrong and that I trigger the persons behaviour, as to begin with they are always nice and would do anything for me, and I do everything for them too.
    I am a very open person, likes to talk and always very supportive of my partner. I’m not sure if this is the problem.

    It’s true that somehow I don’t trust my own thinking, my partner would do something that makes me unhappy, I will tell them how I feel yet somehow they will turn the table on me and I would just accept that maybe I did something to trigger the situation. Like my previous ex would lie about his finances and keep a part of his life a secret from me,I would find ways to justify his behaviour even if I know it’s wrong and we should have trust in the relationship.

    Now this bf would find all sorts of things to say about me when he can’t get his way, like so childish, I work hard, have my small business,I spend my cash wisely, he was living with me we had everything, yet he says he doesn’t trust me, I’m a user, and all sorts of stuff to demean me as a person, yet he would also turn round later and say he loves me bla bla…and later when I don’t respond he will text to say he will find a younger and more beautiful woman than me, and that no one will want to be with me…
    It’s come to a point now that I’m happy on my own, I focus on my work, I live with my two beautiful dogs, I spend my. Time on myself, I don’t have the stress of trying to make someone happy who can’t see anything good in me as a woman.I think I’m just drained from these dead end relationship.

    So naive is because I pick the same kind of guys all the time, and it seems to be getting worse as it goes along..

    Kadija
    X

    #123050
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    I think my problem is I’m always looking for the nice person I met and not what the kind of person guy truly is..
    X

    #123057
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kadija:

    For as long as you don’t trust your own thinking, for as long as you believe that you are responsible for the man’s behavior and that if there is something wrong- it is your fault.. for as long as you believe a man who insults you- you need not be in a relationship because you are not equipped for one.

    If you make your own money, please use it for competent therapy where you will learn to trust your own thinking, where you will learn to evaluate people and situations correctly.

    After a few months of useful psychotherapy, maybe then you will be ready to choose a man wisely and carry on a loving, mutually respectful relationship.

    anita

    #123065
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Thanks Anita

    I will seek out therapy, it’s not easy in my part of the world, as people on my island don’t share their problems with others.. I will give myself a break and spend time with my kids.
    I guess my problem is I find it hard to be alone and end up in all the wrong relationships.

    #123088
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    Being “so naïve” (the title of your thread) means that you didn’t learn from your experience. Here are a few things you can consider as learning opportunities from your last relationship:

    1. “he went to prison for drugs I stood by him for 9 months, did everything I could to offer support”- him committing a crime, what does it say about him? He may be innocent of the crime and it may be a crime that you don’t agree should be a crime (ex. if you believe drugs should be legalized), but pay attention to the person and examine what he believes to be Right and Wrong. Ask him questions.

    2. “he got released and he came over to be with me and everything was fine”- maybe you shouldn’t have had him live with you but live separately and you could get to know him OUTSIDE prison from a distance, in separate households. All that you learned about him while he was in prison does not count as knowing him outside of prison, so it was not the right choice to have him live with you upon his release.

    “slowly I started to see a side of him i didn’t know, he is so jealous that I can’t talk to any male friend, he blows all his pay on cigarette and drinks” – you could have learned these things about him while he lived elsewhere, not with you.

    3. “I have to pay everything at home, when I ask for financial help he says he helps me at home with errands so he doesn’t feel he has to pay, plus he can’t afford any. We argue so much all the time”- in the future, you don’t have to argue, you don’t have to talk a person into contributing financially to the shared household. If he can’t or he won’t- he doesn’t move in to begin with. You evaluate and discuss the financial arrangement BEFORE his moving, while still considering it.

    4. “and he says some hurtful words to me about the fact that I’m older than he, and throw back all my life stories in my face that I’m a bad person and that’s the reason no man will live with me.”- the moment he says these things- he has to be out of your home. And once he is out, do not consider him back.

    “Honestly I can’t believe he is that kind of person”- believe it. Naiveté is about not believing the evidence in front of you. Believe it, he is that kind of a person. Don’t have him move back in. In the future learn WHO the person is before moving in.

    “I’m shock as I didn’t think after everything I did to help him when he was in jail he would be so abusive to me.”- learn then, that a person can help another a whole lot, and then the person helped turns against the helper. Let this reality not shock you anymore.

    5. “when we broke up he ask me for money that he helped me build and outdoor shed, I told him that he’s lived with me and hasn’t contributed anything so I don’t owe him anything, he became abusive and started insulted me, I gave him some cash and told him to leave.”- don’t reward a person for insulting you by giving him cash. You should have told him to leave without the cash.

    6. “I’ve lost faith in finding a good man, I have been in and out of the same kind of relationship for over 18 yrs now. Men who just use me and my generosity, and then when I get tired of their ways, they leave.”- change policy and no longer be generous to a man without learning who the man is, first. Only if it is a decent generous man, then be generous yourself.

    * “It’s very traumatic for me but don’t know how to break from this chain”- learn from your experience and you will no longer be naïve.

    anita

    #123098
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Anita
    Thanks so much for taking the time to help and advise, everything you say is right. I’ve learnt a good lesson and not be too trusting and to act when someone shows me who they are, the thing is I tend to accept them back after they say sorry and bla bla.
    I’ve cut all ties with this bf, I feel much happier on my own, I’ve blocked his number from my phone as I know when he gets drunk he calls me.

    #123102
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kadija/ Bernadette:

    You are welcome.

    Cutting all ties with him is the right thing to do. Don’t take him back for saying “sorry and bla bla”- why give “bla bla” any importance.

    If and when you meet another man, come back to this thread and I can help you evaluate him, if you’d like. You can also come back to your thread (or start another) anytime, otherwise.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by anita.
    #123308
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    These past days I have had time to think about all my relationships end the same way, to start with all my relationships are great, what starts the arguments are my partners keep taking more and more and I feel like I’m expected to keep giving and this creates bitterness, I am also lied to and this creating trust issues.
    My last ex lied to me about everything going on in his life, and now this guy I was dating was also nice to me to begin with, I knew he enjoys drinking but he promised it will stop which he never did, and he also went to jail for handling drugs, he enjoys blaming people for what he does.
    he spend most of his free time with me and never drinks,as soon as he goes to his home, he drink a lot. Again he failed his promise.
    He even blames me that I don’t cook lunch for him, Like I’m his mum..when we first started dating he would say thanks for things I do for him, but since he got out of jail it’s like I’m expected to just provide, wash his clothes, cook. When he gets his cash he blows it on drinks with his friends.

    I feel so much happier he’s left my home, as each time we have an argument he would say hurtful stuff about my health. My struggles in life, and this make me get angry and insult him too.. Which is not nice.
    Kadija

    #123309
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kadija:

    When you get insulted in your own home, again and again, by a nice boyfriend turned cruel, it is difficult to be “a saint” and never say any insulting word back to him. We are humans, not saints.

    And so, you have him out of your home- keep it this way.

    When you got to know your last boyfriend, when he was in jail, and you heard him blame other people for his crime, for his choices and his life and not taking responsibility, you could have understood then that he will probably blame you too, later, and that he probably continue to not take responsibility for his choices.

    And so, instead of thinking, maybe, that he will make an exception for you (that he will take a break from being him because of how nice you were to him), you could have learned early, before having him live with you, that it was not a good idea.

    Next time, next man, notice his behavior with other people, if he is angry at a lot of other people, suggesting he is always the victim of bad people, figure you will be … his next “bad person”- one for him to blame.

    anita

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