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Some tough lessons

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  • November 23, 2014 at 3:11 pm #68295
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I know we are not suppose to get attach to anything or anyone but I have to say that I always turn to you guys when I am really down and out. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me.

    I lost my phone last night. Man, has this opened my eyes! I have been on this self dicovery journey for a year and a half now. I meditate everyday and overall I can say that I am happy. But not having my phone all day today made me miserable. I understand that some of this misery is the fact that I am out $450 and plus I’ll have to buy a phone here in Dublin for another $400 as everything is very expensive here but what bothers me the most is not liking myself. This fact has hit me really bad. I have been kind and nurturing to myself but without any distractions or contact with people who validate my being, I am nothing. See I went out yesterday and dispite of the lies I tell myself, I was out to meet men. I keep telling myself that I don’t need that but at the bottom of everything I do is this need to meet “someone”. As some of you (Matt) have read some of my old posts, I moved to Dublin for my MBA but another incentive was a man. When I was visiting Dublin last year I got so much attention that I was sure as soon as i move in, I will fall in love. Well, lets just say it has not worked out that way at all. Not only does the man who I sort of moved continents for doesn’t talk to me, I couldn’t even offer myself to anyone without being looked at funny. Self esteem is at an all time low.

    This is just me ranting but when does this self hate stop? when do I realize that I am enough? when does everything I am stops getting measured to not having a man? I am so tired. I have been working so hard. When will I ever start loving myself?

    Sorry for a miserable horrible forum. I don’t mean to bring anyone down. I just want to talk to like minded people who have given me unconditional support.

    love
    S

    November 25, 2014 at 6:02 am #68363
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Sapnap,

    I just wanted to offer you some support through your struggle. I imagine being in a place that is not home and where you don’t have a support system would be really hard. And then on top of it, you lose your phone – your connection to that support system (!) and you are all of a sudden completely alone and forced to look at yourself. I deal a lot with self hatred too. But, I can say it has lessened considerably in the last couple years as I have come out of hard times stronger. I think that’s what’s happening with you – you are going through some character building, life changing tough times. To me, the fact that you could move to another continent speaks to the fact that you are incredibly strong. You may not see it now, because you are in the thick of it, but believe me – you are STRONG. Your reasons for moving to Ireland don’t matter – the fact that a man that you don’t have contact with anymore played a part in it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are there now – it is where you are supposed to be. And who knows why – it just is. 🙂

    As for the self hate, while I still struggle sometimes, I know what helps was really starting to realize that I would never think about anyone as negatively as I was thinking about myself. And what purpose was my self hate and negative self chatter doing? Abso-freakin-lutely none. It sounds cliche, but when I really embraced and believed it, it helped – we are all different. There is only ONE of you. JUST ONE. That’s amazing. So just be you and love yourself. None of us need more people to put us down, but we can always use more people building us up. Be that to yourself.

    Good luck. 🙂

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