December 11, 2019 at 7:57 pm #327181LluviaParticipant
We have broken up a few times over the course of our relationship for different reasons but mainly for the reason of just being young and not knowing how to resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner. We are both runners, or so it’s been that way in the past.
For the first year or so of the relationship, we had a series of situations where I attempted to run away in fear of the future and my insecurity about whether it would work out. I do believe that a lot of my insecurities stemmed from my childhood and having abandonment and intimacy issues, never having had truly stable and safe relationships with my mother or my father who were not present in my life as a young girl. My fears had less to do with how I felt and still do feel about him, and more to do with my inability to create and maintain a healthy stable relationship. I ran away many times. But I would always come back because I would finally come out of my fear and ego mind and realize how deep my love for this man is and that I did in fact want to be with him long term. He was always there waiting for me, completely understanding of my fears and supportive to the point where we would talk very vulnerably about all of it. We have always (even before we met) had a desire to become better versions of ourselves, so we would always discuss our fears and our issues and how we could overcome them.
As we developed and matured in our relationship and in life, we both began to have a better understanding of how relationships grow and thrive, and how they do not. We became very conscious of how we were showing up in the relationship because I didn’t want to run away anymore, and we just both simply wanted to love each other and be together.
Unfortunately over the course of our relationship and the break ups that we have had, my mother developed this idea that he is bad for me and now really dislikes him. From her perspective, he was the one that was hurting me. But the reality was that in the beginning, I was the one hurting myself by running away, when he was always there waiting for me.
But as I mentioned, we both had our share of being the runner. There were 2 times where he was the one to run away and break things off. The reasons were never because of serious conflict. There was never abuse, verbal, emotional, nor physical. The couple of times he ended the relationship had to do with, again, not having the right tools for conflict resolution and having this deep rooted belief that running away was easier than working on it.
But we always end up coming back together with new found insight on ourselves and the relationship and about what in that particular time frame wasn’t working in the relationship that led to us seperating. Our relationship is a lot deeper than any relationship I’ve ever noticed in people that are the same age as us. We communicate so honestly with each other, and we are aware of our own fears and inner battles and have come to a point in our relationship where we recognize we must work on ourselves in order to ever have a beautiful and fulfilling relationship.
We are both aware of our shortcomings and know that there is a lot of self work to be done on ourselves and on the relationship. But we have forgiven each other.
It feels that there is something deeper in the relationship I have with him. Our love and our connection is driven by this desire to grow as individuals and as a couple. We both have a vision for our futures and I see him in mine, and he has expressed that he sees me in his as his life partner. When I close my eyes I can see us standing at the alter sharing our vows with each other. When we are together I feel uplifted but also completely at ease. He is truly a positive force in my life and has contributed so much to the young woman that I have become today. I love him with all of my heart.
But as I mentioned earlier, my mother does not approve of our relationship because of the times that either one of us has ran away, and that is the part of this that is making it so difficult for me to know how to move forward in this relationship. She seems to have this conviction that “he is not the one” for me, and she almost has this burning passion against him and it is really hurting me because I feel so conflicted.
I care so deeply for this man, and I want to feel free in pursuing a future with him, but I also care so deeply for my mother’s approval.
I am a very introspective person and have reflected a lot on my need for my mother’s approval and the fact that I am so easily swayed by her opinion that it directly impacts and influences the way I end up feeling about things. I feel that I have to keep my relationship completely private, as to protect it from the things she will say to me that I fear will ultimately influence the way I feel about things.
I know that I am a grown woman now, I am 23 years old. I have complete autonomy over my life and the decisions that I make and who I choose to pursue a relationship with. But I want to have my mother’s support in this and it breaks my heart that I am not getting that from her.
What do I do?December 12, 2019 at 9:41 am #327265RadhaParticipant
From your post above, I can understand that you are very desperate to have your mom and your man in life, but this will not be easy as you and your boyfriend had many break ups which created a kind of fear in your mother’s heart.
But again, likes, dislikes, opinions on people will change with time. You and your boyfriend have to make believe your mother that you became perfect for each other.
Then automatically things will settle down. Have patience and certainly there will be happy endings.December 12, 2019 at 10:45 am #327285anitaParticipant
You wrote: “my mother does not approve of our relationship because of the times that either one of us has ran away”-
-but she ran away too. In your previous thread last year you wrote: “When I was 2-3 my mother abandoned me .. and I didn’t have a relationship with her again until I was 7-8”
This is heavy duty running, a mother running away/ abandoning her small child for five whole years.
Did she ever deal with her own running away, sincerely apologize to you, made amends to you, or tried to… ? Maybe if she did, if she dealt with the running away of a mother from her own young child, she would be more forgiving of your boyfriend, a young man, running away from you at times, as you did your own running away from him.