Hello there,

I recently joined this forum in hopes of making any progress on how I feel lately. In all my 21 years I’ve never felt like I’ve hit rock bottom like now. Everything is making me react in a sensitive way. I feel like the worst thing in the world right now. Yes, a thing not even a human.

I am dealing with the loss of a special someone right now. I’ve lost people to death before but this person….He’s not even dead but it feels so much worse.

To start from the beginning you could say that I was never given a childhood. I was an extremely sick kid who only lived in hospitals and could never go out, run, get dirty in the mud and so much more things that I wish I could have done and I was aware of this. Since I was a little kid I developed a different view on the world which didn’t include me in it. Like I was some sort of spectator. I was not part of growing up in laughter but rather painful injections and surgeries.

Even tho I got better later on my struggle didn’t end there. Religion was next. My parents turned fanatic of religion and I that’s when I started feeling anxiety for the first time in my life. Yes, at the age of 6 I knew what anxiety was and I knew I had it. It was an awful struggle until I was 18 to be forced into a religion where birthdays didn’t exist, no Christmas were given and I couldn’t make any friends outside the religion. I hated it and I hated my life because of it. i became antisocial and I was extremely resentful of my parents because of that.

Finally when I turned 18 something happened. I couldn’t take it any longer… I decided to run away from home and try to build my life away from all the pain. But i was merely fooling myself. I wasn’t ready to build my own life I was merely escaping from my problems. Where I ended up wasn’t any better. I was constantly looking down to, called a burden and just a major pain in the back.

Eventually… I began feeling like that. A burden. I was abused and cheated on various times with my first boyfriend. I forgave him because more than anything in this world I want to build my own family. A place I can return to every night from work and to know that I am no longer the audience in this movie that is my life but the main character. I was to be loved and love my family. My love and eventually my children. I want to give them all I didn’t have and experience through them what I never could. Everyday I wake up is a struggle because I know I’m not quite there yet.

3 years later I returned to my reality knowing I had to face my issues with my family and solve them somehow. I had left my first boyfriend behind and I was ready to start anew. Then…. Something great happened.

Someone so special came into my life for merely 2 months where we shared a relationship. I was so happy because he was so honest. So good to me and he heard me like no one else did. He really did. I felt like I had found the person for me and a home in his arms. But eventually life made us part. Work got extremely busy for him and all the emotions I had bottled up inside me came flooding onto him like a cascade falling into a glass of water. He reassured me every time that he would always be there for me and for that wasn’t enough. I needed more and more proof not because I didn’t trust him but rather because I had no self esteem nor faith in myself.

Eventually… my emotional charge got to him and with the stress of his job added… He decided that I wasn’t quite ready for a relationship like this. It was my fault… I felt like the worst had jut happened to me. He offered a friendship until I had my feelings together, he offered a helping hand and an ear to listen to whenever i needed it. He wanted to keep his promise that he would always be by my side. But for me…That wasn’t enough. I know I should have stopped but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Eventually I blamed all the wrong on him…a fatal mistake that I regret so much.

He’s gone now because I pushed him away when all I wanted to say was “Please stay with me forever” My insecurities got to me and now i feel day I wake up constantly apologizing to him and checking if i have a text from him maybe…

He had all I needed to be happy. He offered to help me be a better person and I pushed him away. How does one deal with that? I’ve lost loved ones to death before but right now…. It feels so bad that I lost him. Almost as much if not even more to death. I don’t know what to do. Anxiety is getting to me all the time and just about anything makes me cry reminding how happy he made me feel and how stupid I was for not noticing.