fbpx
Menu

Something's holding me from moving on

Home→Forums→Relationships→Something's holding me from moving on

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • February 1, 2017 at 5:20 am #126527
    Just A Name
    Participant

    Hello,
    I was in a long distance relationship until three months ago, we broke up, i broke up with her, My very first love. I am 19 and she is 17, everything started one day during an argue i got so much upset and i said “If we continue like this and we won’t stop i think the only way to fix is to break up”, she was pretty much devastated by those words, she cried for two days and she got badly drunk. I told her in any possible way in the earth that i loved her more than everything and that i said that only because i was mad but i would have never left her. But from that day everything changed, she became insecure i guess, or she was just tired of me.
    Long short story: She started ignoring me, lying to me, flirting with other guys, rejecting me and meeting with these flirty guys “behind my back”.
    I was obsessed by her behaviour, by her, i was crying everyday for what she was doing and i became insecure, i thought she was cheating on me at any moment… Once she ignored me for three days straight because of a school trip, i know for sure she was ignoring me because during the whole day she was chatting with the other flirty guys and when the time to chat with me came she turned off the wifi. And so when she came home from the trip i had a bad breakdown and started screaming “Why are you doing this to me?”. I was so miserable back then.
    One day she met one of those flirty guys alone, when she was done she started texting her friend about how this flirty guy’s smile was beautiful and how much warm his hugs were, she was like amazed by this guy, that’s the moment i broke up with her.
    I’ll be honest, it was a bad break up, i offended her and she lied to me still.
    For the following two weeks i was begging her to come back with me (I was kind of miserable and emotionally completely broken) I lost 14 kg (31 pounds) in a month, i wasn’t eating, i wasn’t sleeping, i was throwing up at least twice a day, dreaming her every night and suicidal thoughts everyday carried by thoughts of her in my mind. The worst pain i felt in my whole life. She went to party, get drunk and go crazy with her friends and obviously with those flirty boys that were “Just friends”.
    Anyway i went no contact for one month, until i broke down and texted her, she wasn’t friendly at all. Until one day she was and so we could speak normal. The day after i asked her to be back together and after two days she answered she couldn’t come back with me and she didn’t want, i went a bit emotional and told her that all i wanted was her to be happy and that i loved her for real, that i didn’t want to break up like that and i apologized for how i broke up. She didn’t answer any of the messages and i went completely no contact since two months, i don’t even check her social networks anymore.
    I no longer want to get back with her, i gained back 6 kgs (14 pounds) and i hit gym, i started meditating and focusing on what i really want, somedays i can go long minutes-hours without thinking about her, i stopped dreaming her (I had only one dream about her in 1 month) and i think i forgave her. But there’s something still that i miss, that is holding me back, why she started doing all that stuff? Was it my fault? I haven’t been perfect in the relationship, holy god i made mistakes but i would have never cheated her… What did i mistake? Was it just her insecurity or she fell out of love?
    She didn’t give me any answer. She always hidden me from her friends and everything, in one year and nine months of relationship none of her friends ever knew she had a boyfriend, i think she fear other’s opinion (?) When we were in crisis i asked her to let me come to her city for a weekend so we could spend some time together and put the pieces back together but she didn’t want…
    I don’t understand what’s holding me back, and why i still have some very bad days (like yesterday and today) if the most of time i can have normal days… I think i just want closure, i really want to move on but something is holding me.
    I didn’t talk about the break up with any of my friends or family, i’m a reserved guy and i never had others opinion (except once in another site)…
    Thank you for your time and for reading

    February 1, 2017 at 8:52 am #126539
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear just A Name:

    In your first paragraph you wrote: “everything started one day during an argue i got so much upset and i said ‘If we continue like this and we won’t stop i think the only way to fix is to break up’”-

    Is she the one of the two of you who started that argument that day? How about most/ all arguments at other times?

    If she was the argumentative one of the two of you, then no wonder you wanted to stop the arguments/ fighting. If so, you were correct: the only way to fix it was to break up.

    A person wanting to fight doesn’t have the right to attack another and hurt them, not one time and not on a regular basis. Fighting and hurting should not be the price for having a relationship.

    When you break up with a person who is hurtful, you are doing the right thing, protecting yourself, standing up to abuse. You do not owe an abuser to be abused as a price of a relationship.

    anita

    February 1, 2017 at 9:17 am #126542
    Just A Name
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for the answer.
    We were having normal argues sometimes, sometimes she started sometimes i did, but that week we were having an argue almost everyday and we were both tired of them, i came to the point where i was really tired and i spoke those words even if i never meant them.
    What i wanna say is that i mentioned that episode because that is the day when she totally changed and became the person i told: She was ignoring me, lying to me, flirting with other guys, rejecting me (like when i asked to go to meet her for the weekend) and meeting with these flirty guys behind my back.
    Obviously a lot of argues we had could have been avoided but what is done, is done.
    I only want to understand other’s opinion about how she changed and became that type of person that i never thought she could be.
    I mainly broke up with her for her lies, because she was ignoring me, because she was rejecting me and at some point she was almost cheating me, i think i broke up with her right before she was gonna do it. Even because few days after we broke up she was already going party with one of the guys she was flirting with.
    I just can’t understand what is holding me back, what mistakes i have done, if it was my fault that she became like that or if that was only her insecurity that made her doing those things.
    She was telling me often she feared that i was gonna leave her but how i could not leave her if she was doing almost anything to make me leave her? I tried my best to stop her and let her step back with me to work it out together but the day after everything was the same – maybe worse.
    I tried for one month of sickness and rejections to stay with her and work it out but nothing worked. It was only getting worse at any try, when i left her, two days after she was already telling she was feeling better without me, but she was even telling that she was doing those ugly things to “Make me love her again” while i already did… She never gave me a real reason the last time i asked why she did it was two months ago and since then i never got an answer.
    I think this is holding me back, i forgave her, i forgave myself but i still don’t know what i forgave.
    Plus when she started doing those things she even became emotional controlling with me, making me feel guilty for anything, even the wrongs she was doing, or making me feeling guilty because i didn’t let her flirt with other guys.
    I can much better see now the facts how were but i still don’t know how could that happen, two days before all that mess she told me i was her “soulmate”, i can’t understand how she fell out of love so quickly and became that person.

    February 1, 2017 at 9:41 am #126544
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Just A Name:

    I don’t believe you are responsible for her lying to you, blaming you for her own wrongdoings, ignoring you and so on. I think these are her behaviors, her motivations. You didn’t “make her” feel and behave the ways she has. Why did she change, you ask. Maybe she got bored, maybe she wants a change, a different man, a different life style (more partying, less marriage-like living).

    Really, I don’t believe you are responsible for her change in behavior. I am glad you recovered some from your previous depression and I understand that you need more recovery.

    Hope you let go of unjustified self blame. As I read it, it is unjustified. The one who is lying is guilty (of lying), not the one who is not.

    anita

    February 1, 2017 at 9:57 am #126545
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Just A Name:

    I just realized I confused your thread with another present thread that I answered this morning. I confused the other person’s story (a man in his twenties, older than you) with yours. Your girlfriend (unlike the other guy’s) did not live with you like a married couple. Also, I think it is the other man who was doing better, not you. I apologize for my confusion.

    Nonetheless, I still believe that you are not responsible for her feelings and behaviors. She is responsible for lying to you, not you. The fact that you did not behave perfectly with her does not justify her lying to you and disrespecting you that way and otherwise. No one is perfect in relationships, it is simply impossible.

    I hope you feel better soon. Post again, if you’d like.

    anita

    February 2, 2017 at 5:45 pm #126620
    iwillsurvive
    Participant

    Let it go man. Focus on yourself. You are looking for reasons to justify insanity ad it will hold back your healing. Those reasons are hers and even if you find out what those are it still will not bring you back together. Move on, it takes two to make a relationship work. Love yourself and improve yourself. Dont neglect the relationship with yourself. You are trying to find something that is broken with you…Dont…Just because the relationship is broken does not mean that you are. Let it go…you are just making an excuse not to move on by holding to that question…Let her go…she will realize later in time what she has lost and you cant force her to see that…Sorry about that however hard we try, we cant force others to love us….

    February 2, 2017 at 6:04 pm #126621
    Just A Name
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for the answer.

    buckleg08 – Your answers just came at the right moment… Never until now i ever had the courage to watch again the pictures of her, the ones in my phone… I hidden the albums three months ago and never until now i have seen them again, i watched again just to delete all the pictures, that was hard, i can’t hide that i broke in tears, so badly… I just broke in tears and deleted all the pictures, i don’t know if i feel bad or better – i think i don’t feel anything special, i think i miss a lot the girl she used to be, before our break up happened.
    I’m also conscious that i’m only fantasizing, she would’ve never been again the girlfriend she used to be. I hope one day i will be able to look at one of our pictures without breaking down and having panic attacks, like now.

    Also, i’m trying to let it go, but everyday, anytime, i’m looking for the fault of mine, i haven’t been the best / perfect in that relationship but i have never gone against her or the relationship…
    But i don’t want to blame it on her… I know i will never have an answer from her, an answer to my “why”. But i don’t know how to make my brain realize it.

    Thank you for the answer, it came at the right moment.

    February 2, 2017 at 6:44 pm #126622
    iwillsurvive
    Participant

    Remove things that remind you of her and go to the gym…Force yourself..it will do wonders for your body and mind….Will she love the person moping around or someone who is rocking a kick ass life…transform your life into something positive and your body is one way to do that..it improves you physically as well as mental clarity..in time you will get over her…I too have been there, to have no energy, where every song puts me into tears…but force yourself…do it day by day…spend for yourself…get a trainer or instructor for a month to force you to go to the gym because you paid for it and it may go to waste…Find that little anger within you that she left you and let it out at the gym…You will start healing…and no contact or knowing what she is doing..it is her life..her choice…each of you made mistakes in the relationship and it takes maturity to make it work…you are still young, the time will soon come when you literally will feel that the world is your oyster and you can do anything…Good luck and keep pushing yourself…

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.