July 7, 2015 at 12:25 am #79431Carrie WhiteParticipant
Two years ago I met my favourite person on this planet. It was an accident we even got together as a couple, and for months it was a secret as there is a twenty year age gap between us both. Eventually he met my parents and my family realised he loved me and I wasn’t just a trophy when he travelled from London for over an hour each way to visit me in hospital when I was poorly.
He has and still injects warmth, love and a feeling of wholeness and wellbeing into my life. However, his life is somewhat ‘limited’ (according to him). He has an established career, a child, a mortage and we currently rent one room in a run down house because because of his commitments. I always craved to travel and we decided that we would travel together each year on holidays (we have had 11 since we have been together) and then take a year off when his son is old enough and back pack properly.
In the past 10 months my life has been somewhat unstable in regards to an education and career. However now I am working in a vets and I love it. I travel 2 hours each way which does make me drained. I asked to move and he can’t. Then about 6 weeks ago we argued and we weren’t right for 2 weeks. He was due to go away to Germany for 2 weeks on a course – I wanted to sort it out before he went in fear that it would distance us further. We did talk and cry and actually had a wonderful evening. Then he left and hardly spoke to me the whole time. Not known to me, it was over.
He has left me because he thinks he is a ‘stone around me neck’ I need to ‘fly’ and he doesn’t want me ‘to hate and regret him’. I’m totally devastated. I have lost my fiance and my life partner.
We currently still live togehter, still love each other and are still best friends. I am due to start my veterinary nurse training and I am fiancially and emotionally stuck. I have to find a new home, start a new lift and I feel crushed. I wish he could see how I really feel; I think he finds this hard because he is emotionally very regimented. I cannot escape my feelings – I even dream about them. I didn’t appreciate what we had properly and I think I was ungrateful. He thinks I will be flourish when I move out. I want to make it work with him, but I am also aware that I cannot force someone to want something that they do not. I am leaving because it will make him happier as it makes him sad to see me down.
He is as sad as I am and wants us to try again in the future when I have ‘things out of my system’. He says he will keep in touch every week and he has never done this with an ex before. I don’t know if he is saying this to make me feel better about leaving or not.
Any advice here? This ran has acted as some kind of catharsis – hope you all don’t mind. I fell like my soul mate is lost but forever in my heart and mind.July 7, 2015 at 1:39 am #79436Red CarParticipant
I’m also enduring after a breakup. I know the feelings are awful postBU.
Why did he think that he was a stone around your neck? I don’t think keeping in touch with him will help you and him heal though. Maybe you can try to be friends after a few months, but not now.July 7, 2015 at 1:53 am #79438Carrie WhiteParticipant
Becuase I want to travel and can’t go, he can’t move; in a way I guess he is isolated. We worked through the travelling issue together and planned such an amazing adventure.
The feelings are sometimes all consuming. I guess we have to be happy it happened in the first place.July 7, 2015 at 1:55 am #79439KathParticipant
Huh, this is difficult!
Here’s what I got from what you wrote, assuming there is nothing else hidden in there:
Even though he loves you, his plans for life are set … The way you describe it, he will not suddenly become experimental and he is even prepared to let you go, because he sees that this sort of life is not necessarily what YOU need.
I’ve seen this in some men, and they usually don’t change their minds. It sucks, because it sounds like you are willing to compromise and he does not seem to be willing to meet you somewhere on the way. You could interpret that as a lack of love, but it can be a fear of change and a personal decision as well. He obviously feels under pressure and thinks that he cannot fulfill your expectations.
So basically it is upon you to decide: Can you happily accept the situation you are now in, and spend your life there and with him – or do you want to trust the world and maybe his perspective and go out into the world?
How do you know he is the favorite person in the world when you don’t know every person in the world? There is more than one soulmate out there, and many different and fulfilling relationships to lead… I know for sure, because my first “soulmate” died, and I was forced to open myself up again to the world… and found someone whom I now cherish just as much!
Moreover, it is not completely unrealistic that you just need two or three years to figure out your own priorities and are able to take this relationship to a higher level afterwords. It happens. And if it doesn’t, it will be ok too!
Good luck and all the best!!!July 7, 2015 at 11:22 pm #79485KatParticipant
I feel I can relate to your situation, as I broke up recently with my best friend and although we are still best friends a part of me wonders, well, wishes is probably more appropriate, that we’ll get together again. This is pretty much what I did to ease my pain.
I think perhaps you should reflect on what you want and what you give in a relationship. Do not settle for 9/10 on your want list, and be sure those wants are things you know you’d reciprocate unconditionally. Try making it when you are feeling calm. Since he was willing to walk away from you, consider if that’s something you would do to him. If you are willing to weather hard times you deserve the same treatment. Is a soulmate doing that what you want, what you deserve? Try not to let your feelings get in the way of this judgement call, rather think about the fairness of the give and take in this relationship. Think about how both of you should want this relationship, how you deserve to feel wanted, how much you want him and the possible discrepancy therein. He may be a wonderful guy, but not what you need. Maybe years down the road you will be right for each other. But you cannot pine over him waiting for that time. It needs to come of its own accord between two happy, fulfilled people. As difficult as it is, I think you are doing the right thing. Perhaps you can get a place closer to your work with roommates so you’ll save money and meet new people.
This split is going to hurt like hell, but remind yourself that you are both good people who only do the best they can with what they understand, and as the saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. 🙂 Resentment and blame will bring you no peace, you do not have to feel these things. Be compassionate towards him and yourself. And finally listen to your gut, especially when you don’t want to, because the truth will take you where you need to be. Best of luck friend, this experience will help you help others one day, maybe more people who’ve lost a soul mate. 🙂