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Starting over and need some advice

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  • October 12, 2019 at 12:57 pm #317491
    Julia
    Participant

    I have always been someone who has struggled with self esteem and self confidence due to some traumas in my past. This year I decided to focus a lot on my personal growth and I couldn’t be happier with the results. I am more confident, I am happier and in general I am doing better in all areas of my life. One aspect of this whole experience is that I have finally taken the steps to rid my life of a few toxic friendships and now I don’t have too many friends left. Admittedly this part has been tough and while I am making an effort to get out and meet people through avenues like Meetup nothing has come of it yet. How long did it take you to form new friendships when you were starting over? It has really been in the last month that I have found the courage to let go of negative relationships so I know it might take time but I am curious as to how much it might take.

    October 12, 2019 at 1:09 pm #317497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julia:

    I can’t estimate how long it will take you to form “new friendships”. I don’t even know how you define a new friendship, what it means to you. If it is more of a friendly acquaintance, it will take less time than forming a closer friendship. For me to understand better I ask (and feel free to answer or not):

    1. Did you rid your life of toxic friendships but not of major toxic relationships, such as with parents?

    2. How do you define “(new) friendships” and how will they be different from the old, toxic friendships?

    anita

    October 12, 2019 at 1:36 pm #317501
    Julia
    Participant

    To answer your questions:

    1.  It was mainly friendships that were the problem.  I cut them out because they didn’t treat me very well.  The friendships were either one-sided or they would treat me poorly in other ways such as belittling me.  In general my family relationships are fine with the exception of one or two.

    2.  My main goal is to meet people who treat me better.  I have been thinking a lot about what I want and deserve in my relationships and that is key.  Like I said I used to have very low self confidence and I think that it drove me to make bad decisions in relationships.  I have been working a lot on self love and I think that I am in a better position to give and receive love than I have in the past.

    October 12, 2019 at 1:52 pm #317503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Julia:

    Congratulations for all the work you did on your personal growth. To work on personal growth in the context of a relationship (friendship or other) is more challenging than work done alone. It takes evaluating the other person correctly over time, it takes practicing effective interpersonal skills with the other person, and in situations that you cannot predict. It is all doable but is more difficult than doing the kind of work you can do when alone.

    It will help if you clearly define the behaviors that are included in what you referred to as “one sided”, poor treatment and belittling. Then, when you meet a person be aware that if a friendship develops, it does not become a relationship that includes any of these three things.

    If you feel that a person belittles you, but you are not sure, ask a clarifying question in a casual way, so to check your assumption that you were indeed belittled. It often happens that a person perceives this or that when it is not so in reality.

    I never did meetups so I have no experience in that. If you want to continue this conversation with me, please do. I will soon be away from the computer for a while. I hope other members answer you as well.

    anita

     

    October 13, 2019 at 12:53 am #317551
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Julia,

    Congratulations for being brave enough to make the changes and for coming so far.  When you change, the people around you change.  The people who used to be your friends (friends with the old you) no longer hold the same appeal.  This is all part of the process and I agree with Anita when she says that this is easier done when alone than when facing the added challenges that exist within relationships.

    I can’t tell you how long it will take for you to form new friendships but I can tell you that you will be more open to attract positive, supportive people to you than you have been in the past.  The Universe has a way of bringing to us what or who we need at any given moment in time.  Join groups that support subjects that you are interested in which might relate to personal development and awareness, or could be totally unrelated.  Friendships will develop naturally where common interest is involved.

    Once again, congratulations for coming this far.

    Peggy

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