Hello everybody, this is my first attempt in telling my situation ever…I really need some advice. Im sorry it is so long but it is a lot of things and yeah I did try do wright it as short as possible.. And sorry for the misspelling etc as english is not my mother tongue. Please read and give me feedback on this current situation.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 1/2 years and we have been living together for soon 4 years. I am 24 and he is 28, yes I got together with him at 14. He was my first everything and in comparison with other young highschool couples, we were serious from the very start.. After one year he purposed and since he was a young boy with an old soul with a clear vision of life he preached the lifestyle about education, job, family house etc…He was also a very intelectual and wise man. And he alwasy tryed to guide me and mentor me and never abused my weak sides. Myself I grew up with a free spirited hippy like mum that worked as a musician. She raised me in to arts and dancing, and so my life dream was just to dance… My boyfriend was from a diffeent country than I and had more strict morals, values and lifegoals. Dance and music were not acepted as a realistic or reasonable way of life. He was also more dominating and since I was so young I tryed to adopt moast od his views partly to please him but also cause I slowly but surly started to believe that my own free spirited way of seeing life were wrong. I didnt choose dance in college like I actually wanted, and after some while I danced less and less. I went to university and took a bachelour degree. Nothing wrong with having an education but at the same time, something inside me was dying. My own sense of identity and the place where I felt was natural and pure joy, though dance was gone. I had bacome a person that followed others expectations of me rather than my own inner voice. I never had motivating words from him in doing what I loved, instead I did “the right things” becoming more and more unhappy. But after that many years, we had grown to getter and visined the future together with never even one conversation about a break or anything. After some time (7 years in) I felt some change in him, not being as gentle and not paying as much attention to me. I later found love declarations and messages on his phone with numerous women. I told him I wanted to break up and went to my mums place for 2 weeks. I was crushed and I felt all the sacrifices I had done, giving up my dream was for a lie. But one day he snapchated me and I understood something was going down. He was going to take suicide. He rushed over at his place to prevent it. And the whole night hw shivvered and cried like a baby. I could see he was totaly crushed and he was begging on his knees to get back. I resented him, but could see it was real and stayed. But it really made me an angry woman and gave me a crisis that changed everything in our relationship. In many ways it was a good thing, cause I learned tp stand up more for my self, say my meanings and not let him be in charge like before. I suddanly got the guts to talk about my dream of dancing again and spoke it out. Out sex life hadnt been working for many years, mostly because I didnt have any sexual desire. As I had only been with him I thought it was something wrong with me and I allways saw myself as the problem which made it just worse.He also blamed me for this. After 10 years I took a big decition. I had allways dreamed of travling to a place far away to just sink into its culture and tradition. Learning language, dance and the people. He never liked to travel and so I never saw it as a possibility, but one day I found an exchange program. A program where u got to go to an african country and live as a dancer in a famous dance company from 8-17 every day. Basicely my dream. I decided with closed eyes to go. I knew he wouldt approve, but at this point I had started to become more and more unhappy…I refused to give up my dreams and urges at 24 and knew that I was starting to get bitter, resenting him even more blaming him. I had broken our engagement at the time I took him in cheating. But as I went to this trip I wore a ring I had been given by my mom and pretended I was engaged. I wished this trip would make my relationship with him become stronger. That I would learn to appreciate him more since I had been spoiled and could see how good he really is. At the back of my mind I allso feared my self and the silent wish to excperience something with someone else, hence I wore the ring to prevent it to happen. I thought to myself..How can I die without having felt the joy of sex. Is it really me or can I enjoy it too. Than it happened. A guy almost same age (23) wanted me…I brushed him off the whole time.. In secret I had noticed him too the very first day. His carisma struck me and gave me butterflies every time. He chased me and I acted non interested but loanged for it every second. Than one day we kissed which one month later got to sex. It was filled with so much guilt but I didnt want it to end..I had never in my life excperienced this side of me. The sex was amazing, and my drive was like fire. I understood I didnt have a sexual problem after all. The whole periode of the exchange I never missed my boyfriend and I only thought of this new guy. Thing is I knew I didnt love him, he didnt match me intelectually, he was immature for his age and a lot of times I got pissed at him for doing stupid thing he didnt understand was stupid. I knew a loved my boyfriend to death, despite everything. We had grown together and knew everything about each other and had a lot of history But the adventour and the lifestyle was to much matching my dream and I wanted it to go on.. But the day when my exchange ended came. I cried like a baby, and didnt wanna go back home.. Everything I ever wanted was there..The sunny weather, dance, passion etc.. So I went home.. I prayed to god I would feel at least a small sense of joy in seeing my boyfriend again. This sdidnt happen. So I came home to a man that had been counting the days to my homecoming..he was so exctatic! I just felt sad…The worst part was that he knew about everything that had been going on, in details… But he thought I regreted and wanted to move on so he forgave me since he loves me so much! In the meantime since he knew he was loosing me, he had started to go to the gym, he had made plans for getting a dog which he had allways hated and I allways wished for) he sais he had changed his mind about dancing. Now he wanted to support my dance career, even working more so I could start focusing on dance, and working less. He now says he wanna travel all the places I want to, even start dancing him self. Basicly he want to do everything for me…At this point I feel so stupid for longing for this boy I know is only going to be short term, and can not engage me intelectually in the same way or me as much man as I would prefer. But I dream about him evry night and day, and fight to not let go. I feel a huge loss of giving up this new side (of sexual life) I never knew I could have.. And have told my boyfriend I wanna have a break from him when he has finished his degree (so to not sabotage his last 4 months in school). But as sex is a loosy founadtion for anything I feel Im giving up something so stable and future friendly. I always wanted him to be the father of my children for ex. as he is wonderfull with children. He is hard working, kind, stable, responsible and loves me to death! Now I found out I love him but dont have feeling for him, and the sexual desire can simply not be there with my boyfriend….I want to choose him, but at the same time not..Analyzing my self I wonder- Shall I choose happyness for present, that can be short, or happyness for the long run in terms of a stable family man that really loves me etc. Im becoming 25 Im still young but at the same time just that age were ll my friends is trying to finda gut to settle with…But again I just need that excperience of having fun, being unserious and carefree since my whole teenage years was so strict. I need some insight to this….What do you think?