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Having trouble getting over this breakup

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  • #117593
    IC
    Participant

    Apologies for the long post, I tried to include as much information as was necessary in the most concise way possible.
    Back in August, my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me. Granted we were not together for very long, but we had started off as very good friends and that eventually progressed into a love relationship. We went as far as to plan our futures together.

    A little bit of background on me first. I have grown up in a very strict family, having very little social support, and have been through a lot of emotionally draining situations. A few years ago I was forced by my parents to transfer universities so that I would be living at home. I was not happy in this new university, but when I had met my ex, things had started looking up. He was (and still is) my world, he understood me, he was my supportive figure. I am not allowed to have a boyfriend, however, this was a rule I was willing to break for my ex. For him, his family life is also a mess. He is also not supposed to be in a relationship because he has to focus on the family business. But he was also willing to break this rule for me. We kept our relationship a secret from our families and vowed to run away and get married if our parents reject our relationship in the future. I was his world, and he was mine.

    In August, his dad had found out about our relationship, and had made my ex’s life a living hell. Dumping work on him, and putting him through a traumatic experience which to this day, my ex will not tell me about because it is too painful to talk about. It had gotten to the point where we either break up and still see each other as friends, or we stay together and I never see him again. My ex picked the first option. Now I have been going back and forth with being reasonable about this and just plain selfish. I love him a lot, I still think about him everyday. I know things are very difficult with his life right now as his relationship with his family has become very very strained due to recent events.

    I still want to talk to him, I still want to see him and I still want things to work out in the future. I know he still loves me because he has told me as such. Often times he detaches from me and does not communicate with me so that he doesn’t take out his anger and frustration on me. He also does not blame me for anything that has happened so far (like his strained relationship with his family, his overworked life, etc.) I have expressed these feelings to him, telling him that I want us to work out in the future, but he says we can never be together. He says I deserve better and he does not want to put me through this pain anymore. He also believes he will end up alone.

    I still continue to get hurt by all of this. He has a social circle that he can rely on to get him through this, but I share that social circle with him. They are better friends with him and therefore that social support is not there for me as they are more focused on him. I am alone almost all the time now, feeling even more lonely because I do not get to talk to him as much. I feel that I am the only one trying to maintain some sort of friendship yet I don’t give him the opportunity to try to maintain the friendship as well (e.g. by initiating conversations, initiating hangouts, etc.). And with my family situation also being tense, I am reaching the point of desperation. I am at a loss of what to do. I don’t want to hurt him, I want to be there to help him through this and I also feel that I am not making the situation any easier for him as I still expect frequent contact. I feel like I am getting bothered by little things because I understand things are tough for him right now, and yet I feel I am being selfish as I continue to get hurt when he doesn’t talk to me and spends time with others, etc. He doesn’t feel anything anymore, he’s become a shell of what he once was, all because of this messed up situation. I am now just another friend to him (at least that’s what he is trying to make me) although sometimes I feel like I am just an acquaintance. And he is still my one true love, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and this is what is likely keeping me from moving on. Any efforts I make to move on are all for naught, as my feelings seem to control me.

    I realize that I might be jealous, overly attached, have trust issues, etc. I have various emotional issues which unfortunately makes my perception quite biased and selfish. How do I handle this situation without letting it bring me down constantly?

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by IC. Reason: clarity
    #117597
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear floating:

    You kept writing that you are selfish and I don’t see it valid- doesn’t read to me like you are selfish.

    It seems to me that you and him were in love with each other, your interest in each other was Love. On the other hand each one of the families involved, their interest is Power. His parents, his father anyway, is interested in having power over his son (your ex boyfriend) and your parents are interested in having power over you.

    His parents were successful so far and he, your ex boyfriend, expressed to you clearly that he doesn’t see nor plan a future for the two of you. He maintains an acquaintance relationship with you, at best. This is his decision. He made his choice.

    You feel very much alone, understandably. You miss the connection you had with him. I guess he was your only closeness.

    We all need closeness with someone. So without such, I understand why you have “trouble getting over this breakup” (the title of your thread).

    Where to go from here…?

    anita

    #117599
    Ellsworth Davis
    Participant

    How old are you?
    Why does your family object to you dating, having a boyfriend?
    Why does his family object to him dating, having a girlfriend?
    You both sound young but you are both University students, correct?

    The way he is treating you now is not right. Think twice about calling him your One True Love.
    Maybe he was just your Love 101 class. ??
    Love is complex and we can get stuck in it and stuck in obsessing on the object of our love.

    As for your state of mind, you are seeking all your value, self worth, pleasure, your moods, your thinking, on an external source – your ex-boyfriend who sounds like a boy to me. If he loved you he would tell his dad enough and find time to date you. The way he is behaving now in your social circle is unacceptable. You need someone More Mature. Don’t get caught up in the emotions of a first Love and bravely move on and discover the world waiting for you filled with love. But you must center yourself and go out and project yourself as centered and willing to love again. The centered part you cannot fake, that you must find within yourself and reshape your own internal emotional landscape.

    Sometimes we think we will never get over these romances. YOUWILL. Be brave and move along the down the path of your life and find out what is waiting for you around the next bend.

    #117609
    IC
    Participant

    Anita: Yeah I see what you are saying about the power aspect. And you are right that he has made his choice. I just don’t think he made the right one. He has told me that if I am still single in the future and things a little bit better from his end, then he will try resuming the relationship at that point. But then he also does not want me to wait for him. Everything he is saying is reasonable, I just don’t know why I have so much trouble coming to terms with it. I’m scared of losing him I guess

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by IC.
    #117613
    IC
    Participant

    Elisworth Davis: I am 21 years old. My family objects to me dating because they want my primary focus to be my studies. Thus they have never seen a need for me to maintain friendships or pursue extra-curriculars as well. His family objects to him dating because they want his focus to be on the family business, as he will have to take it over in the future. And yes we are bother university students.

    Part of me agrees with you, that he is not treating me right. But at the same time, I love him so much that I just overlook these things. I haven’t been a perfect girlfriend to him either. I try to be understanding and maybe that’s why I let this treatment slide. It is important to note that he is not keeping friends from me, it is just that they have known him for longer and thus gravitate towards him.

    I guess you’re right, I will get over this….it’s just difficult for me to keep that frame of mind

    #117614
    IC
    Participant

    Upon rereading your reply again: how do I centre myself? I feel like I have never been centred my whole life, but that feeling may be because I do not truly understand what it means to centre oneself. Is there an article or post you can refer me to that may be able to explain this? I am quite new to this site. I found this site multiple times while searching for articles on various topics through google but I have not explored it much.

    #117617
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear floating:

    He had a choice: you or his family/ you or his family business. He chose his family and his family business.

    Did he make the right choice? I suppose he thinks he did and that is why he is sticking with his decision.

    It is not because you were an imperfect girlfriend, that he made his choice- clearly, my logic asserts: it is his parents and the family business that have power over him. No matter how perfect of a girlfriend he had, it would still be the power of his attachment to his parents and his motivation to continue with the family business- that would have won.

    How to get over this? Post here anytime and I, for one, would reply. Try and have one friend in-person who is empathetic to you, and with whom you can freely and honestly express your feelings to.

    anita

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