I have been in an on-and-off relationship for the past three years. Every time he was the one to leave the relationship. The first time he said he doesn’t think it is working. Just that. No explanation. I must admit; I wasn’t really ready for a relationship the first time we started dating. I was not very open towards him and did not blame him, when he broke it off the first time. We never really spoke about our expectations of each other. What hurt or angered us of each other, nothing. I was hurt. But I understand that I was also to blame for this.

We were broken up for a good few months when he started to contact me again. We decided to give it another try but we never spoke about what went wrong the first time, and how we can perhaps improve on it. There was no communication between us. We fought a lot. He would cancel on plans; last minute or he would have an excuse as to why he can’t see me. I have always told myself that his excuses were always valid and that I must learn to give him space. However, we were living in two different towns back then, and could only see each other on weekends. Even then he cancelled. I should have seen the signs then. I should have asserted myself more and stand my ground, but I didn’t.
Instead I waited in anticipation for the crumbles of attention and affection he would throw my way and told myself that it was love. Needless to say a few months after this, he broke it off, again. This time he said that the relationship does not feel like a relationship should feel. My question is; how is a relationship supposed to work if we hardly see each other? There was no communication and we weren’t really giving it a real try? However, I accepted this. Picked myself back up again and tried to piece my life together …. again. I was doing really well. Then he started calling again, messaging me, telling me how much he loves me, misses me, how I am the best thing that ever happened to him, how he made a mistake and would like to give it another try, for real, this time. At first, I stood strong. But, I loved this man. I missed him too. Eventually I caved and another chance was granted to him.

Things were good between us. We were dating for a couple of months when he told me that he’s not ready for a relationship. I vented and went on a psychotic ranting. I was so mad at him for doing this to me … again. I blocked him on all forms of social media, his messages and his calls. Just to unblock him again. We didn’t speak for a while. Every now and then he would ask how I am doing. I didn’t reply. Then he had to go for an operation. During his recovery period he started to text me again. Same story. He misses me. I am the love of his life. He made a mistake. He promised me that this time, he’s ready for a relationship. Would I please forgive him? I told him that I needed time to think about it. My head screamed NO! Do not do it! But somehow, somewhere a little voice whispered, what if he really changed? What if he’s in it for the long haul now? What if this, and what if that; What if he’s really the love of my life and I am throwing it away? All of the above thoughts were running through my mind. Deep in my gut, I knew that I did not completely trust him with my heart but I knew I had to try. Again.

This time around things were really great between us, I moved closer to where he stayed. I opened myself up more, trusted him more. We spend a lot of time together. Life was great. He even hinted about moving in together. We were great. However I could not really quite enjoy the moments, as I should have. I was always thinking about when he would leave again, I was always second guessing myself, thinking three times before I said something, because I was so scared that I might do or say something wrong that might cause him to leave again. It was like I was happy, but happy on eggshells.
I started to spend more time with him and his close family. I loved them. They were great people. And every time I looked at him and them, I asked myself how could I be so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. And every time I looked at him I thought, how can such a wonderful person ever hurt me again. I could not have been more wrong.

I stayed at his place during the festive season, spent Christmas and New years with his family when I noticed that his behaviour started to change towards me. It was almost as if he were annoyed at times with my presence. I brushed it off as nothing. My mind is playing tricks on me; that’s what I told myself. One night he asked me if I would go home, to my own place for a bit because he wanted to spend some quality time, alone with his family. I was hurt but didn’t show it and went home. I knew something was coming soon. I have been through this way too many times.
Early in January he send me a text to say that he thinks that we need to take a break. He told a mutual friend of ours that my presence at his house was too much. He needed space. I was so mad. I was furious at him. But I was even angrier with myself for allowing this person to hurt me, time after time, for trusting and believing him every time. I was disgusted with myself. And my heart was shattered, once again. Only now I felt ashamed too, ashamed at myself for being so weak. For not realising that I deserve more than this.

I told him that I am done. He doesn’t want a break. He wants to break up and is just too much of an ass to say it outright. He denied all of this. Said he just needed some space to focus on himself. However, I had enough and told him that I think it’s best that we go our separate ways. He did not even try to stop me, he didn’t fight for me, and he just let me go. Just like that. I was at my lowest point that I have ever been. Started drinking too much, smoking too much, eating too much. Basically doing everything too much instead of focussing on my healing process. We still bumped into each other every now and then because we had so many mutual friends by now. And having to pretend that everything was ok was the worst part ever. I was dying inside and I had to pretend as if I am fine and that we are fine with each other. I hated every moment of it. I resented him so much. I used to be this carefree, fun and loving person. He turned me into someone that I am not. And I hated him for this. I hated him for causing me so much pain. And I hated myself even more because I knew that I was the only person that was to blame; I’ve put myself in this situation. And that’s it.

After this we still hooked up a few times. Afterwards he would say all the right things just to back off again in a few weeks. I even believed his story that he never wanted to end things. He just needed a break and I was the one to blame because I walked away. I even believed him ☺ Can you believe that? I believed every word he said and genuinely believed that it was my fault.

The turning point came when I went to visit him one weekend, he asked me to come visit him, and in my stupid, little mind I actually thought, hey, maybe he wants to work things out. I know; I am a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. I still went. He actually asked me to leave because he had people coming over. I felt sick to my stomach. A lot of angry and hurtful words were said before I left. And just like that, I was right back to where I was. On the floor, with my heart ripped out into a thousand million pieces. This time, the shame and anger at myself was even worse, worse than the actual heartache that I felt.

I made a choice that I don’t ever want to go through this again and that I do not ever want to see his face, ever again. I blocked him on social media, texts, calls and emails. A few weeks after the above incident I checked my spam. And boom! An email from the one and only, telling me how sad and sorry he was because he treated me the way he did, how he regretted everything, especially how we parted our ways how he loves me, how his family misses me, blah, blah, blah. I didn’t reply. Then I started to check my spam every other day. I knew I was busy going down hill again but told myself that I will stand strong and not give in; just another big, fat lie to myself.
I replied.
We started messaging. Polite conversation. Eventually started flirting, until I asked him what he wanted from me. Had another big, nasty fight. He could not answer me and I told him to leave me alone. He did.

After that, we bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party. His entire family were present. I ignored him. He ignored me. It was awkward to say the least. I felt horrible the next day. That I could not have been more of a grown-up and actually be polite and civil.

We did not talk for a very long time after this. I was doing great. Started hanging out with old friends again. Working out. Doing things that I love.

Then he started texting me out of the blue. Said he wanted to talk things over, he loves me; he misses me, the usual. I agreed to have a talk; by this time we have been apart for almost a year. He started coming around again, texted and called me, told me how much me missed me and that he loves me and that he wants this to work this time. I told him that it is going to be hard work and it’s going to take two people that really want to be together to make it work. A week after that he texted me and said he feels as if something is missing, things are not the same between us. I told him that obviously things aren’t the same, I needed to learn to trust you again, and we need to learn to communicate with each other. I got another text saying that “I’m sorry, but I feel that we should not waste each other’s time on something that’s not there”. I just replied OK.
And just like that, I was right back where I started. All the progress and healing that I thought I made, gone!

I went on another rant again. Telling him how he cannot just toy with people’s feelings like that. I was livid to say the least. I did not get a single response from him. I decided that there are things that I needed to say to him, face to face. Not to beg or humiliate myself anymore. But things that I needed to say in order to let myself move on. I went to his house, unannounced. I stood 20 minutes in front of his door before I knocked. He was so shocked to see me but almost immediately made as if nothing is wrong and if nothing has been said between us.
I told him everything that I always wanted to say, or I tried. I have never done this before, confronted him. All the words didn’t come out quite the way I planned, but I made my point. He didn’t say anything. Just looked at me the whole time while I was talking. He walked me to the car and I asked him to please, please leave me alone this time, for good. The funniest thing was, he was standing there with tears in his eyes, and all he could say was “I’m sorry”. The next day I received an email saying that he had an interview the next day and that I messed up his entire interview because after I left; he could not concentrate and prepare for this interview and that I should not never come to this house, unannounced again. I just said “don’t worry, I do not have any intention of knocking on your door, ever again”.

I have never spoken to this about anyone, only one close friend. The rest of my friends and family all love him. They think that he’s the greatest person ever. They also believe that every time we broke up; that it was my choice because I was too ashamed to tell them the truth. I have always been a strong and independent woman until I met this man. I could not let people be there for me, through all of this because I saw myself as underserving. How can I expect people to be there for me when I did all of this to myself? How can I expect my friends to understand when I was always the “strong” one who would not let anyone walk over her! I carried all of this with myself for so long. I feel that I was never enough, that I did not try hard enough, that I did not love enough that I was never enough for him. I have asked him why he came back every time, just to leave again. He could not answer me. He has not been seeing anyone. He has not been dating. I don’t understand any of this. I never will, maybe one day when I completely healed and see things in a different perspective I will understand. Maybe then I will understand how one person can think so little of another person to hurt someone so much and maybe one day I will understand how one person can think so little of herself to have allowed this for so long. I need to forgive him. I know I do. Sometimes I think I have and other days I want to kill him. But the hardest part is forgiving myself, getting my dignity back as a person. Learning to love myself, with faults and all, that’s the hardest part.

I know I am the biggest loser ever, I know I deserve better, I know I am worthy; I know all of these things. I am slowly picking myself up again. But it comes in waves. One day I am fine and one day I am a mess. I know that you cannot make anyone love you, you cannot make anyone stay, you cannot force anything that’s not meant to me because you and that person deserve so much more than that but still I hope ….I often wonders if he ever really loved me and that’s the worst part. I need to let go. But I hope …..