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Still In Love

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  • This topic has 24 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • December 5, 2016 at 2:42 pm #121990
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita.

    To be honest, I think that I’ll be carrying this scar of loss till I die.

    December 5, 2016 at 7:27 pm #122004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayorts:

    I believe you. I too am carrying scars that I, no doubt, will be carrying for the rest of my life. There are some truths that are so painful and yet there is nothing I can do about them. There are sufferings I can avoid and unload and there is pain I have no choice but to live with.

    Is it how it is with you as well?

    anita

    December 6, 2016 at 5:02 am #122023
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Just this pain of loss of the ONE MAN I callously and stupidly removed from my life. Just that.

    Good morning, by the way. Just had a dream of him and in the dream he surprisingly spoke to me but was still somewhat distant.

    It was still a great draeam for me. Pathetic, yes, but I’ll take it still.

    December 6, 2016 at 10:05 am #122046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayorts:

    No matter how you feel; no matter what you dream, do not contact him or his family and friends.

    Tell me more about “just this pain”- how does it feel; what is it about- all these years, nine years…?

    anita

    December 6, 2016 at 5:56 pm #122078
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Let me give you a time-frame first…

    2008-2010 — Extreme Anger/Hatred coupled with Extreme Sorrow, Regret and Despair of what had happened. (When the younger brother begged me to stop, it was nearing the end of 2010) He was already out of the country.

    2010-2012 — Extreme Depression, Sadness, Despair/Sorrow and it was also during this period that I underwent counseling because I was soooo sorry and shocked at what I had done. This was also the period I was sending apology letters to all and numerous and messages to him begging for forgiveness. he was still working in singapore.

    2013-2015 — I met and had a short relationship with a girl, but it ended on good terms still. Relationship ended in April 2015. (Bisexual, remember?) I would still think of him at times but I seemed somewhat…cured.

    This episode began late November to the present wherein I learned that he had apparently moved back here in the US and is in Los Angeles, CA. That’s when EVERYTHING came back to me in a RUSH!!!

    This pain I am suffering from is the LOSS of a VERY WONDERFUL MAN who was never at fault and because of my IDIOCY, SELFISHNESS and IMMATURITY.

    How do I describe this pain you say? Have you ever had the medical condition called “shingles”? Mine was emotional and psychological that you would want to rip your skin apart because of the despair, sorrow, regret and shame of having lost a VERY LOVING and WONDERFUL INDIVIDUAL who’s only fault really…was telling me the truth about myself. I insanely overreacted which Inky would definitely agree.

    So, yeah! That’s it in a nutshell.

    December 6, 2016 at 7:25 pm #122092
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayorts:

    I shouldn’t have asked a question that would make you bring up the obsession again, my mistake. But I learned more in your answer. This shingles like pain you described, did you experience it before you ever met this man? Did you lose someone else that was “very loving” and “wonderful”?

    I am trying to find the source of the fuel of your obsession: maybe it can be found in the relationship you had as a child with your father or mother?

    anita

    December 6, 2016 at 7:46 pm #122099
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s not an obsession. Really, it isn’t.

    Shingles is a horrible condition and extremely painful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shingles

    Though it wasn’t a physical pain comparable to shingles, the LOSS was as intense.

    My relationship with my parents were somewhat fine, if not perfect. Parents would discourage us from pursuing our dreams and desires. They were overprotective to a fault and very strict.

    December 6, 2016 at 7:49 pm #122102
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Have I lost anyone else that was loving and wonderful? Sure. these would be aunts but I sure overcame the grief quickly because they passed away.

    My loss of the guy was due to my idiocy and all such bad traits.

    December 6, 2016 at 9:44 pm #122109
    John Philip L. Ortega
    Participant

    Typo: “My relationship with my parents WAS somewhat fine”

    December 7, 2016 at 12:22 pm #122180
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jayorts:

    I know shingles is not an obsession- had it myself more than ten years ago. In my case it was not that painful but I read that in many cases it is.

    Your relationship with your parents was somewhat fine. I suppose it means you didn’t get emotionally injured by your parents (?). If so, it is a good thing.

    anita

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