My mother and I haven’t been close since I was a small child. Our issues are myriad and complex but they mostly boil down to a loss of respect. I remember having a sense even as a child that the bulk of her decision-making was irrational, that she was constantly afraid and that she didn’t understand or really even “hear” me most of the time. I was probably 6 or 7 when I realized this. As an oldest child, and a precocious one at that, I remember taking “important” things to my dad, trying to help her parent my younger sister and using her suggestibility and uncertainty to my advantage. She was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood and when it was just she, my sister and I at home, I felt that I was the one actually in charge among the three of us. It turns out that my sister believed this too though I don’t recall us ever talking about that dynamic until we were adults.

My mom was not well. She has always vehemently denied having mental health issues but knowing what I now know about her history long before parenthood, I’m aware that she experienced a lot of trauma. I’m sure these things contributed to her ability to emotionally regulate, manage anxiety, think critically and listen well. When you’re in high alert mode all the time-on the lookout for potential threats, trying to survive- you can’t do things like engage in healthy relationships, with anyone. She’s more stable now it seems. I don’t see the frantic behaviors and emotional outbursts like she used to have. I wonder how much hormones came into play as she is now well past menopause and that’s when things seemed to change.

Things were the absolute worst when she began going through menopause. She left my dad when I was 14 and took my sister and I with her under the guise of visiting her sister in another state. We fought to go home as did my dad and eventually the courts determined that was indeed where we deserved to be. She lashed out at my father for stealing us from her, though he had simply honored our wishes and began making false reports that we were unsafe in his care in an effort to regain custody. No one bought it because it clearly wasn’t true. I officially took on the role of the woman of the house though I resented her for what I saw as weakness and selfishness. I wished often that I had a normal mother who I could go to with thoughts or concerns, who knew me and could offer me direction and empathy without making everything about her own fears and insecurities. I wished I could have the comfort and affection that I saw friends have in their mothers.

While she seems more regulated now, my relationship with her hasn’t improved, if anything it has gotten worse in recent years. I am a mother now myself, and seeing my mother interact with my daughter who is now nearly 5 years old brings up so many things I thought I had long since let go of. I see my daughter easily manipulating her, I see my mom being unable to be the adult in situations or expressing constant worry over little things pertaining to my daughter’s health and safety and I’m shocked by how much animosity I feel toward her in those moments. I want to say to her, “That’s it! No more. You aren’t going to poison her childhood the way you poisoned mine.” But my daughter loves her, possibly as much as anyone else and she is an otherwise safe person when my daughter needs care when I have other commitments.

I know that my daughter’s experience with her will not be my experience but I don’t know how to let go of the resentment and anger I still feel toward her. I can’t tell myself it doesn’t matter because it is in the past because it does matter. At the same time I know resentment is poison and I want to be free of it. This isn’t someone I can have much distance from, she lives right next door to me, is permanently in my daughter’s life at least and is constantly trying to have a relationship with me. I believe that she loves me and wants to be close to me but how can I build something healthy and positive from decades of negative experiences and damage?