July 23, 2013 at 9:32 pm #39110PatrykParticipant
Its a very long story and it lasted about 7 years this problem and struggle i’ve been going through. I fell in love with a girl who quickly became someone i loved and hated the same. It all started when we started dating in high school and she slept with my best friend and i was devastated. We ended up going out on and off for 7 years and throughout that 7 years she has been with many guys and i have done the same with girls. We never cheated on each other just we would always do this on our “breaks”. To this day we still come back to each other and try to maintain a relationship on a very spiritual level because we have this connection. What i’m trying to say is i severely struggle with maintaining a positive outlook on her. the negative and hurtful thoughts about her always seem to overpower the good in my mind and there will be times where i love her and think good about her but then at night all i see her as is a disgusting person for hurting me so many times . Im aware i’m being very selfish and i just cant control my negative mind and all i can think about is her sleeping with other men. I don’t know where to begin this healing process for i have put it off for a very very long time. She has changed and her mind has accepted my past. Why am i struggling with what doesn’t matter anymore.July 24, 2013 at 3:15 am #39117iris valeraParticipant
Hey! the best thing to do, either forgive her totally and accept her for what she is now, or just leave her and bury things behind.
those things she has done will always be a “ghost” that haunts you back to no end. they will keep coming back as long as you are still with her. so the only solution i can think of is leave and find someone you be really be happy with, someone you can accept for what she really is.
… or you can go and continue suffering. end your misery. i guess you know what to do, you just don’t wanna do it.
IrisJuly 24, 2013 at 9:03 am #39128jamesParticipant
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…” -Elizabeth GilbertJuly 24, 2013 at 9:43 am #39129MattParticipant
I sympathize with the difficulty we can have in letting go of the past, and especially when the past was painful. I really like the way you’re trying to settle your baggage, rather than trying to change her. It is a brave and noble shift inward, and you’re doing great all things considered! A few things came to heart as I read your words:
Sometimes when we have an experience that is very painful, that pain shoots out of our mind and places a stain on the person we feel gave us that pain. For instance, she slept with your best friend, and in your devastating emotional fallout, you attached a “cheater” label to her and put a rift in the connection. It was no longer “us navigating this world together” but “her actions and my pain”. This is normal and usual, but it can also be healed.
If you go back in your mind to the girl that was with your best friend and look deeply, you can see that there was a huge mess of stuff going on for her. There was confusion, hormones, shame, conflict, plus goodness knows what else. We aren’t really in her head, so we only look enough to see that it was a huge mess of conditions that lead her to make the choice. There was your dear, sweet partner… caught up in emotions and feelings that pulled her into a choice that was painful for you to see… so painful in fact, that you made it about you. “How could she do that to me!?!” Well, now you see that there are a ton of reasons why bit happened, and those reasons overwhelmed her ability to remain loyal.
So, fast forward to now. If you see that our choices are a matter of conditions pulling and pushing us in directions, do you think the same conditions are there for her? Are you still afraid that her inner chaos will lead her to ignore your importance to her? If yes, then talk to her about it. Tell her you suffer with fear, and you would like help letting it go… because she is important to you and you don’t want the fear interrupting the beautiful connection you share. Hearts can be innovative when open and connected, I’m sure you two can work something out.
If you don’t have fear that she will succumb to the same type of conditions, then its time to let go directly. The girl she was and the boy you were are both gone, dead, evolved, metamorphosed into the man and woman you are today. The conditions are not the same, and it is the many internal and external conditions that provoke dumb actions. So, turn away from the stain you placed on her character… that was your dumb action. Its preventing you from seeing the incredible beauty you have in front of you!
Another thing to consider is some metta practice. Metta is loving kindness, or a sense of inner and outer nobility and grace. Having the emotion of metta in our body does amazing things for agitation… often dissolving it before it ever grabs us. Search YouTube for “jayasaro metta” if you’re interested.
I’m so excited and enthusiastic about your observations. People looking inward to settle their baggage is far too rare in this world. Congrats on being a hero!
MattJuly 24, 2013 at 5:55 pm #39142PatrykParticipant
I really appreciate the great response for this problem that i feel has no end. I always put positive thoughts into my head about my so but it seems like the negative seems to overpower it all. What i’m basically struggling with is being able to accept that past and know that i’ve gotten over it all. I feel like i’m making it all about myself and my ego is just overpowering all this negative feeling. It literally sits in my mind from the moment i wake up till i go to sleep. The negative situations that she was in in the past 7 years with other men. I know we’ve changed but i have trouble keeping the mind positive. Its sad, we can go see each other for a few days and then i will just absolutely go into the worst negative mindset about her and i put her down with very very hurtful words. I hate what i’ve become from all this unimportant stuff.