Hi Emma

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, likely for similar reasons to your husband. Your husband likely has this condition too. I have difficulties with watching certain content on television because it triggers my PTSD.

Your husband needs professional help. I have had therapy, quite a lot of it. You have been living with the side effects of his untreat condition for too long.

I do not blame other people for being able to watch and enjoy shows with content that triggers me. If I did, that would be controlling and abusive. I do not withhold and bottle up issues for years. I freely discuss issues when they occur with my husband. There is no wonder when all of the years of his resentment came out at once that you were not receptive to it.

You think he is being unfair, because he is. I think you have been a very patient partner and have endured much as a result of his untreat condition. Even today you suffer as a result of it.

The only question I have for you is do you still allow your family to treat him poorly? Has this behaviour changed? Honestly, it seems like the only thing you have “done wrong”. Lying about watching a tv show is an extremely minor issue.

I would suggest reading about verbal abuse. In my opinion, his behaviour is verbally abusive.

Dear Emma:

“Any advice would be appreciated“- It helps me to understand a story better when I re-arrange it chronologically (including quotes) best I can. Therefore I will do so with your story before offering my understanding and advice:

Your childhood was “not particularly happy”. You had “a poor relationship with your stepdad and (your)  mum”. As a child and a teenager, you struggled to make friends and focused on schoolwork. You enjoyed reading books and you watched a lot of TV. Your long-term memory is bad and you “struggle to remember a lot of things” from your childhood, “can hardly remember anything about being a child”. Growing up and onward, you “don’t feel comfortable talking about emotions and… have a lot to do in this area to develop emotionally”.

His childhood included “traumatic events that had happened earlier in his childhood, the blackest, darkest parts of him and how tormented he is”. He has clear memory of the childhood he experienced since he was 3. At 16, he suffered “a traumatic sexual assault… at the hands of an older woman”.

Your relationship: At 19, just out of high-school, you met him (23) and he became your very first boyfriend. Early in the relationship, he told you about the sexual assault he suffered 7 years earlier. He offered few details and you didn’t ask questions. The two of you slept together 6 weeks after meeting, and moved in together 4 months after meeting. Living together, things where good for a little while, as far as you knew, and you spent a lot of time watching TV. There were specific things on TV shows that triggered his sexual assault trauma. He commented to you: “You watch disgusting things”! Your response: you switched it off and apologised.

Two-three months into living together, he went into “a deep bout of depression… left his job, spent days at home sitting in the dark.. talking and crying” about his sexual trauma, and at times, he talked about hurting himself. You tried to get him to see a doctor but he refused.

A year into the relationship you (20) got engaged to him (24), and had your son a year (or two) later. The two of you got married 8 years into the relationship, when you were 27 and he was 31.

Sometime along the way, you started watching a certain popular TV show that includes  “a LOT of the content that upsets (your) husband”, that is, suggestions or depictions of the sexual act or activity that triggers his sexual trauma. You knew that it would, and he knew of the content of the show, so you watched it when he was not around,  and lied to him about watching it when he asked you if you watched it. As time went on, you let go of trying hard to hide the fact that you were watching that show (“didn’t really actively try to hide it”), had CDs of it and mentioned it on your Facebook page, and so, you figured that he knew that you were watching the show and he was okay with it.

Throughout the years, his first depression episode shortly after you moved in together happened about once a year and then “started to happen more frequently.. “twice a year”. You wrote about his depression episodes: “He would get angry about seemingly minor things… obsessive over certain things, like problems with neighbours or issues at work. It got to the point where it seemed like he was unhappy with everything”.

Your response to his unhappiness: “I just started tuning it out and not listening”, and the two of you “grew more and more distant from each other… essentially living partly separate lives”.

In November 2021, he asked you if you watched the show and you replied truthfully, “yes”. His response: “This reply broke him… (he had)  a mental breakdown. He was in an awful place for weeks, unable to sleep, unable to eat, he couldn’t control his thoughts, he was having blackouts”.

You wrote about his response: “That simple act of watching a TV show and lying to him about it caused him to question everything… He believed I was on the same page as him about certain core values and beliefs, but if I could watch this program, it meant I wasn’t. It showed no respect for him and no acknowledgement of the terrible things he has had to go through… Every bad thing I had ever done came out, every time I had ever made him feel bad or disregarded him or belittled him… all my other bad behaviours were brought to light. He said how controlling I had been over our son… putting so many rules in place for everyone. He felt like a babysitter, not a father. He said I talked down to him, only thought about myself, had to be right about everything even when I was clearly wrong….”

Your response to his response: “I just couldn’t accept that I had been so terrible. I couldn’t understand why this affected him so much, why he was so upset. .. And I argued back..  I tried to justify myself, explain that he wasn’t seeing things right. All I could see was the situation from my own perspective and I couldn’t see my actions in the way he did”.

Most recently, you (36) wrote about your relationship with your husband (40): “My relationship with my husband is on the rocks and I am mostly to blame. I am really struggling to accept all the things I did wrong and take accountability for my actions and behaviour… the difficult truth is that I have behaved poorly and immaturely… He still doesn’t feel in a place to make a decision about whether he can be with me… He has very black and white views on things, and I have put myself into the black category. He cannot believe anything I say and even though I have made great efforts to educate myself and try to change, I have so much against me. I am really trying to see things from his perspective, but I can’t silence the voice in my head that says he’s being unfair and I’m just not this horrible, bad person he thinks I am. However, when I look objectively at the things I have done, it could be seen as abusive, and that really upsets me”.

And now, my understanding: you did not mention that you are a psychotherapist or any other kind of a healthcare professional and I assume that you are not one. Let’s say that you were a certified psychotherapist:  treating your husband wouldn’t have been possible because of the lack of objectivity that is necessary in a therapist-patient relationship.

His childhood traumas, including his sexual trauma at 16, are deep and ongoing and all took place before he met you: none of it is your doing, none of it is your fault. Because it is not possible for you (or for any woman in the role of his wife) to treat him and guide him through healing, the best you could have done for him would have been to support him while he sought and received professional help.

You were right to suggest that he sees a doctor, but he refused.  As tragic as his childhood traumas which were not caused by him,  it has still been his responsibility as an adult husband and father to seek professional help. He failed his responsibility to himself, to you and to your son.

You and your son are co-victims of his childhood traumas.

You wrote: “That simple act of watching a TV show and lying to him about it caused him to question everything… He believed I was on the same page as him about certain core values and beliefs“- I don’t think that it is true that before Nov 2021, he believed that you were on the same page as him about core values and beliefs and that he didn’t question things about the relationship. I think that his deep episodes of depression through the years involved such questioning and doubts.

“But if I could watch this program, it meant I wasn’t. It showed no respect for him and no acknowledgement of the terrible things he has had to go through… Every bad thing I had ever done came out.. … He has very black and white views on things, and I have put myself into the black category. He cannot believe anything I say…“- he used this incident of asking you if you watched the program (something he suspected or knew already) so to focus his anger on you and unleash it on you.

“Every bad thing I had ever done came out, every time I had ever made him feel bad or disregarded him or belittled him…talked down to him, only thought about myself, had to be right about everything even when I was clearly wrong….“- all this reads like projection, projecting his childhood abusers unto you: as a child and a teenager, he felt bad, disregarded, belittles, talked down to, etc., by his abusers who thought they were right about everything even when they were clearly wrong, even when they abused him.

You wrote: “I just couldn’t accept that I had been so terrible“- but you were not and are not terrible. He projected his terrible abusers unto you. Likely, he doesn’t have it in him yet to confront his real abusers, and he feels relatively comfortable to confront his abusers by proxy, meaning using you as a substitute for his abusers.

“All I could see was the situation from my own perspective and I couldn’t see my actions in the way he did“- I think that the true perspective is that you are a co-victim of his childhood abusers and currently, his victim as well.

“I am really struggling to accept all the things I did wrong and take accountability for my actions and behaviour… the difficult truth is that I have behaved poorly and immaturely” – you behaved imperfectly. No human behaves perfectly.

In addition to being human and therefore imperfect, you have your own childhood traumas with which he didn’t help you, did he? I think that your childhood  traumas are the reason why, as a child and teenager, you focused on solitary activities such as doing school work, reading books and watching a lot of TV- instead of interacting with your mother, step-father, and peers. (I think that the reason you don’t remember much of your childhood is that much of your childhood took place alone).

I hope that you post again. I would very much like to read more about your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Emma,

Before, he was very resistant to admitting that he had unresolved trauma, but he does now. However he firmly believes that he is so damaged that nobody can help him. He believes that any sort of therapy will likely make things worse, and I can see from reading other men’s experiences of therapy that it can happen. Therapists are predominantly female and for men that have suffered at the hands of women, therapy can be an unforgiving and unhelpful place.

This is just an excuse he is giving you. As Helcat said, there are many male therapists out there, also among those specialized in trauma work. In fact, among the famous trauma therapists, two of them – Bessel van der Kolk and Peter Levine – are men! Claiming that nobody can help him and that therapy will make things worse is nothing but avoidance (and avoidance, as Helcat said, is the modus operandi of people suffering from PTSD).

He wants me to face the consequences of my actions, to be accountable and understand what damage my actions can cause to other people, whether I intend them to or not. This is a difficult lesson to learn but I accept it is an important one.

He wants to you face the consequences of your actions – i.e. to admit that it is you who are causing him pain. At the same time, he is refusing to take responsibility for the pain that his trauma is causing him. It is NOT primarily you who is hurting him, but it is his trauma, which he refuses to address. You are accepting this distorted view of the situation – that it is only you who should change and completely adapt to him, whereas he doesn’t have to do anything on his end.

You are taking 100% responsibility for something that is maybe 20% your responsibility, if that. You are accepting his view and his perception of the problem – where he is free from responsibility and it is only you who is to blame, and only you who should change.

Can you see that?

You might have made mistakes in the relationship, and I believe you when you say that you have issues with showing emotions, and even with showing empathy. But even if you had been the most understanding spouse, always tip-toeing around him and trying not to upset him – he still wouldn’t be happy, because unresolved trauma renders the person unable to be happy. He would still be troubled, angry and upset, even if you had been an angel around him.

I understand your desire to change and become more empathetic, but please don’t accept his view of the situation and his request: that it is JUST you who needs to change, but not him.

The fact that you are so easily blaming yourself and exculpating him tells me that you may have issues with self-love, and that maybe you were blamed as a child too for something that wasn’t your fault? You said:

My childhood was not particularly happy and I had a poor relationship with my stepdad and my mum (I think mostly on my part).

“I think mostly on my part” – are you saying that the relationship with your mother and step-father was bad, mostly because of you? Because you reacted badly towards them, but they didn’t react badly towards you?

If so, it would be similar to how you currently see problems with your husband: that it is only your fault and your responsibility, and none of his.

Dear Emma:

You are welcome. *** this post may have a lot of excess print because I pasted into it from online sources. If it does, I will copy the following and submit it a second time, hopefully with no excess print.

“He firmly believes that he is so damaged that nobody can help him“- nobody includes you, doesn’t it? He firmly believes then that you cannot help him…? Will you try to convince him otherwise?

“I failed to support him…  failed to listen properly, failed to stick up for him to my family… There are a lot of things I could have – and should have – done differently in our relationship“- you are taking personal responsibility for his misery and for the relationship. Taking personal responsibility to what is happening in one’s life is part of what is called Internal Locus of Control, while blaming others for what is happening in one’s life is called External Locus of Control.

“He firmly believes that he is so damaged that nobody can help him. He believes that any sort of therapy will likely make things worse… He has been suffering alone for the majority of his life. He was always different to other children (he is highly sensitive and empathetic)… He feels like all he has done is try (he is incredibly hard working..) and all he gets is the raw end of everything. Nobody is trying to do anything for him. He is alone. Everybody around him behaves how they want and he has to deal with the consequences of it while they just get on with their lives”-

– did you hear of the Poor Me Syndrome (PMS), Emma?

naked divorce. com/ poor me syndrome, the new PMS: “‘It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished.- ― Debbie Macomber

“Everyone has had moments of self-pity… a little bit of self-pity can be helpful, but it’s when we get stuck in this mindset that the problems will really start to set in… Shifting the blame from yourself to others is a coping mechanism and one that we’re all guilty of. Some people, however, turn this into Poor Me Syndrome (PMS)…

“Poor Me Syndrome is also known much more commonly as Victim Mentality. This means that someone’s locus of control is external. In simple terms, this means that they believe that things happen to them. They are not in control of their own lives. Failures are someone or something else’s fault. People who have Poor Me Syndrome are rife with pessimism, anger, and fear.

“On the other hand, people whose locus of control is internal, believe that they have the power to mold their own journeys. They know that their success and failures are a result of their own actions or inactions.

“Someone who has Poor Me Syndrome will often avoid asking for what they need, they will stay in their situation or make it worse by refusing to take action. This could be a feeling of powerlessness but could also stem from habit… they are identifying and wallowing in their challenges instead of creating and owning opportunities.

“In Layman’s terms, Poor Me Syndrome is long-term self-pity. It’s blaming other people and environments for your conditions and unhappiness…

“In terms of what he wants from me, he says he just wants me to have absolutely nothing to do with the things that are damaging for him“- if he is referring to you watching violent TV shows (and if your son is exposed to those shows), I would agree with him. Personally, I used to watch TV and movie violence but I no longer do.

“He wants me to face the consequences of my actions, to be accountable and understand what damage my actions can cause to other people..“- reads to me like he has taken the moral high ground, positioning himself as morally superior to you. I am sure that you need to improve some of your attitudes and behaviors (I am still improving mine), including avoiding arguments, accepting when you are wrong (and when you are right), and improving your emotional awareness and communication with others, but I don’t think that you should be taking instructions for such improvements from your husband.

anita

Dear Emma:

The first part of this post was written before I read your most recent reply, and the second is after.

First part: sometimes it’s easy to form an opinion about a person/ a character in a story, and get overly invested in that opinion to the point of dismissing possible evidence that contradicts the strong opinion.

There are two main characters in your true story: Emma (E)  and Emma’s husband (H). As I first read your original post, I felt a dislike for H and I formed the opinion that H is all these negative things that you expressed and that I repeated and elaborated on in my replies. And I formed the opinion that E, as imperfect as she may be, is H’s victim.

But more often than not, the reality of relationships is not that of a bad guy/ good guy, which is often depicted in cartoons and certain movies. Reality is more complex: the two parties of the relationship interact with each other in so many ways, for so long, and each contributes to what the relationship becomes.

In the future, when I read about a relationship and I form a dislike for one of the two people in the relationship, I need to be careful and keep my mind open to view all the information in front of me, not just the information that fits my preformed opinion. In your story, an example of information that you provided and that I largely ignored because it didn’t fit the strong preformed opinion is: “I have a tendency to micro-manage people and I have an incredibly stubborn streak that makes me argumentative and unwilling to accept that I am wrong. He is not the only person to have mentioned this and it has caused me to clash with people before. These are things I want to change about myself, not just for him”.

Second part: good to read that you can see that everything is not your fault, and that you have some clarity about what is your fault and what is not your fault. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to accept fault, that feeling of guilt can be terrible, and the inclination really is to reject it. I made lots of progress in this regard and when following realizing that I made a mistake and feeling the beginning of that terrible guilt, I say to myself: Everyone makes mistakes. Good people are not people who don’t make mistakes; good people are people who learn from their mistakes. What can I learn from this mistake? I then make a mental note of what it is that I learned and how to behave differently in a similar situation in the future. Following that- I feel better, guilt gone.

“He is not doing this to get sympathy, as he pretends to the whole world that everything is fine. I am the only person he has ever told all of this to”- this is a significant piece of information. At 40, he has never told anyone but you about his abusive childhood and sexual abuse at 16, not a single person?

anita