I’ve posted about this before so really sorry if I’m repeating myself; it’s just had such a horrible ending and I’ve been really helped by previous comments so wanted to update. Any advice or thoughts much appreciated.

A while ago I joined the band of someone I became close friends with and ended up falling in love with, but he had a girlfriend (although would still flirt with me). After being “friends” for most of a year he intensely pursued me for a few months, found out I felt the same and then broke up with his girlfriend and we got together. I tried asking him to take things slow because he’d only just got out of a relationship. For reasons I still don’t fully understand (although probably related to my high anxiety and tendency towards self-sabotage in relationships when I really like someone, and his strong narcissistic traits which I only recognised after), it ended very quickly. Technically I ended it but I didn’t want to and was hoping he’d want me back. He didn’t, and I left the band to get over it. He was very angry at first (mostly because he’d lost control and me leaving the band threatened his professional success), but then quickly moved on.

We tried to stay friends (at my insistence) and he asked me to play another gig. The rehearsal was great but on the day I was feeling a bit sensitive playing together after everything and momentarily forgot one of the bass lines/was a bit touchy when he told me what to play. There was also a misunderstanding with the stage times- he’d told me one time but then it changed to earlier which I didn’t see because I’d been avoiding the band WhatsApp (there was a new girl in the band who I’d been told he was now pursuing so I didn’t want to see them flirting). I still made it back in time for the gig which went well and when it was over he asked me to rejoin, but I said I didn’t want to be his bass bitch and would need to think about it (I knew it would be hard being around him when I wasn’t fully over it). Over the weekend he was posting in the band WhatsApp giving all the band members nicknames except me, and when one of the others pointed out I was missing he ignored it. I decided whilst it might be difficult watching him potentially get with the new girl, I’d dedicated so much time and effort to the band over the year and could use it as a learning opportunity to be mature and become friends with him. However, when we eventually spoke and said I wanted to rejoin, he was extremely cold and said actually they didn’t want me back because I was too “flighty” (giving the example of when I’d ended things with him with no warning), too unprofessional (due to the stage times issue) and my attitude was wrong. I was really surprised because he’d asked me to rejoin after the gig and had never previously mentioned any of the other things (also I’m usually a very reliable person- I’m mostly sober, never missed a rehearsal or gig and was always the first to arrive, while other band members including him would turn up hours late or miss things altogether due to too much partying/drug taking etc). Previously he’d also maintained that the band had an open-door policy and other members wondered in and out as they felt like. I tried to explain the misunderstandings and that I was feeling sensitive because it was the first time we’d played together since breaking up, but he wouldn’t listen so I just said ok if that’s what you want. I found out later he’d told the rest of the band I’d had a huge tantrum about it and told him to f off, which was not true at all.

I’ve accepted now that it’s over, probably for the best, and I just need to move on and forget it. But I’m so extremely hurt that not only did I manage to screw up a relationship with someone I really loved, but he also then fired me from a band I spent so much time and effort on. I feel so misunderstood because of the reasons he gave, and hurt that he treated me so coldly- not even like a friend, let alone anything else. One of the other band members said after the gig he’d been talking about me like I was an unimportant employee. I also suspect he felt they didn’t need me anymore because they had a new girl in the band (there are 2 girls and 8 guys), and I know he wouldn’t have fired me if my playing was great. So I just feel extremely rejected not only romantically and personally, but musically and socially (although a few of the other members said they thought it was wrong how I’d been treated, one said he’d thought my playing wasn’t up to standard anyway and I was a liability to the band having been romantically involved with the singer). They are carrying on without me and are doing very well- I’m terrified they’ll be successful and I’ll have to read about them. So I’m really really really struggling to move on. It’s so much brutal rejection to take!