Dear caroline:

Your last paragraph to me, that is kind and thoughtful, empathetic. Thank you.

It is not true that I would rather not communicate with you. I want to communicate with you.

I sincerely believe whole heartedly that “its ok that (you) still want to live, to not give up yet and that (you) deserve to have a good life”, that you forgive yourself and that you no longer live a life that is “about shame and guilt”.

Regarding the move, I can see now how you can take it as my lack of faith in you. When I wrote to you that it is not likely that you move away, I wrote so because I think statistically people in your life situation do not move away, not being employed, limited money, a minor child, and family who help somewhat, financially, in-between-abuses. I was thinking statistically, in general, nothing to do with your courage or lack of, nothing to do with who you are outside the practical life circumstances.

I had another reason to write that to you: I was thinking this to myself: I don’t want caroline to feel that I am pushing her to move away. I don’t want to lose her because of such pressure. I want her to feel comfortable with me, and who knows (I was still saying this to myself, before and as I typed my previous post to you), maybe moving away is not the right thing to do, not anytime soon. So I will tell her that I don’t expect her to move away. This way, she will not feel pressure.

So you see, none of my thoughts was about me losing faith in you because of knowing more about you.

It is a good thing you told me what you thought I meant because it gave me the opportunity to tell you what it really was that motivated me to write to you what I did.

Back to the moving away idea, I am glad you are still considering it. Tying it to the talk about aggression with your daughter, I believe that the aggression item has to be resolved in your mind before moving away. It will be a bad idea to move away with her and proceed to fight on the way, bad idea.

You wrote that it is not realistic for you to not act aggressively toward her sometimes when angry. I hope this is not true,  I really do. It is not realistic to expect to not feel angry with her, that is true. It is not realistic to expect your face and voice to not automatically respond angrily. But it is realistic to contain one’s anger, once felt, once noticed, and then soften the face, soften the voice and not proceed aggressively otherwise.

Problem with aggression toward your child is that one incident of aggression destroys all the good parenting work you have done. This is what aggression does, it destroys. So why bother being a good mother, as you have been much of the time, and then destroy it all in once incident?

Like I wrote in my last post to you, even if and once you do practice the No Aggression Policy I suggested, it will take a long time for her to trust you to contain your anger, to relax her own and to practice containing her own.

Your thoughts?

anita

Dear caroline:

I want to add to my last two lines: I believe that expressing your anger at your ex as well as at any adult that clearly disrespected/ mistreated you is a good thing if done not in the presence of your daughter, so that she doesn’t witness it.

In addition to not being physically violent, it shouldn’t include name calling and put downs or yelling. I think it is acceptable to raise your voice, so that your voice is strong and clear, louder than normal volume, to have anger in your voice and in your face, to state: I am angry at you! To state why you are angry, and otherwise how you feel. To tell the person that he/ she harmed you and let them know what he said and did that harmed you. And it is okay to tell the person you don’t want to see or talk to him again, to not contact you again.

I believe it is healthy and appropriate to express anger this way, honestly and directly.

anita

Dear caroline:

No need to apologize to me about the time you take between the time I post to you and the time you reply. It so happens I reply quickly to members. I don’t expect the same. And so, in the future, remember: it is okay with me that you take all the time you need before you reply. It is okay with me, no apology needed.

You wrote that it is difficult for you to “navigate relationships”. It wouldn’t have been difficult if the people you interact with were as clear with you as I was in the first paragraph here. Be clear with others. (But notice, if you are clear with another, it doesn’t mean at all that he or she will change their ways and be clear with you).

When you feel very upbeat, keep in mind that it will not last indefinitely so you don’t get surprised when you no longer feel very upbeat or upbeat at all. And when that happens, you no longer feeling upbeat, don’t get alarmed, as if something unexpected or unnatural happened. After all, no one remains upbeat indefinitely, not even close.

So when that happens, accept it as something natural, like the expected, natural changing of the weather. The sun just hid behind some clouds and it is grey, for now. Let it be. Keep your mood as stable as possible, that is, avoid extreme highs and extreme lows, best you can.

Regarding your therapist, it is very likely that she made some mistakes with you. That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Regarding comparing yourself to others, and your friend who “seems to be one step ahead of me, always gets luckier than me”- we are all in the same boat this way: we never know when we will get unlucky, when we get sick, for one. We can try our best to prevent such, but things happen. No one is perfectly safe and every wealthy person living in a mansion, every one of such lucky people, knows when they lie in bed alone, that all can be lost in a moment.

No human has gotten lucky enough to live in perfect safety, always upbeat. No human has been lucky enough to escape death. Better we make the best out of the lives available to us.

anita

Dear caroline:

So good to read your very positive post!

“I am really working towards putting great distance between me and my family… My mum is angry with me and right now I don’t care as I think about all the times they have both hurt me… I honestly feel  ok with leaving them behind”- excellent.

“My daughter.. it has been peaceful between us, there has been the odd time where she has been challenging but I dealt with it calmly and I can see that its worth it”- wonderful, you dealt with it calmly, excellent.

Your attitude is patient and gentle with yourself,  and in so being, it is promising: “I know its still early days and im not quite confident enough to feel that I would be ok if I never saw them again but hopefully in time day by day the idea of this will seem easier“, regarding your mother and sister, and “I want to regain her trust and I know this will take time“, regarding your daughter.

I think that the fact that you have kept a distance between you and the ones mistreating you, that is, your mother and sister, made it possible for you to have this peaceful time with your daughter as the two issues are connected.

“I thought sacrificing my feelings for her to spend time with her cousins was worth it but I see now it wasn’t”- a valuable lesson! The best you can do, really, for your daughter is to feel as calm as possible in her presence and during interactions with her and to act  calm no matter how you feel.

But to feel calm, you need to not be mistreated, or be reminded of past mistreatment, and that is what happens when you are in contact with your mother and sister, either they mistreat you again or the sight of them activates past mistreatment, a no win situation for you.

As your daughter returns to school, remain calm with her. Even if she yells at you, let’s say, assert yourself … but calmly. Calm assertion is strong assertion, unlike yelling at her in return, let’s say, that would be … loud but weak.

Keep doing what works for you. I am looking forward to another update from you, and hope it flows easily or easier than before.

anita