Dear Galaxy:

You are currently staying with your sister in Europe and you have nowhere else to stay, if it is not with her, correct?

To attempt to answer your questions, I need to ask you:

Do you think you were born defected, programmed to be more insecure, anxious and depressed than others Or

do you think you became insecure, anxious and depressed as a result of your early interactions with your parents/ family members?

anita

Dear Galaxy:

You have become more anxious, you wrote, as a result of your early childhood, that is as a result of your early interactions with the significant people in your life during your early childhood. This is not exceptional: this is how a child becomes… through interactions, not in isolation. As social animals we become who we become through those early interactions.

You asked: “what can I do to improve my feeling of self worth? How can I become more confident and fight my insecurities and fears of abandonment?”

My answer: you have to limit (and sometimes eliminate!) your interactions with the people you interacted with as a child, the people you are still interacting with: parents and siblings. Naturally you love your mother, your family members. Your strong need to connect and stay connected is natural and understandable. Thing is: notice the price you pay in your efforts to connect and stay connected.

You become more confident in your self worth and more secure by having relationships that encourage these very things that you seek: self worth and security and limiting or abandoning relationships that discourage these. As simple as that….

Only it is not easy.

What do you think so far?

anita

Dear Galaxy:

Before I attend to most of your post above, I need to clarify what you meant by the first sentence: “I need to start learning to let go of things that don’t serve me.” Please explain….?

anita

Dear Galaxy:

Glad you explained. This is not what I meant when I wrote suggested to “limit or sometimes eliminate interactions with people who (you) interacted with as a child.” I didn’t mean to make it so that you are no longer bothered by what they say, no longer be hurt by what someone says and “move on”

What I meant is by “limit interactions” is to actually see them less, to spend less time with such people, to limit the circumstances of being in someone’s presence. For example: to see someone only in a family gathering like birthdays, but not otherwise. By “eliminating interaction” I mean: having no contact whatsoever with a particular individual, family member: no online communication, no phone calls, and no in person interactions/ meetings.

I believe it is impossible for you to not be hurt when a person is hurting you. It is simply impossible. You can numb yourself best you can… but hurt you will be.

The negativity you mentioned in your last line, you didn’t invent it. This negativity is in the interactions themselves and in the history of those relationships. Either the TWO parties to the relationship participate in the healing of the relationship and changing the quality of the interactions to Win-Win or you limit or eliminate those. What do you think?

anita

Dear Galaxy:

In order to keep your spirits high, you need to either participate in changing or otherwise limiting/ eliminating any and all present relationships that bring you down. You can’t NOT bring your past issues into present relationships if the past … keeps going on and on.

When you are in a relationship with a family member where the price of that relationship is that you are submissive, non assertive, taking the blame for what is not your fault (or only partly your fault) then, that relationship is still in the present and it is not in the past.

You have to fee yourself and your life from relationships that hurt you, that handicap you, that keep you in a bad place in life.

If you choose to keep those relationships, and you keep paying the price, such as taking the blame… then you will do it in new relationships as well. You can’t operate in a sick way within the context of relationships with family members, and at the same time, operate in healthy ways in the context of new relationships.

As far as techniques: assert yourself anywhere and everywhere you are. All techniques of acting assertively are worthy techniques. There are books and probably online resources about assertiveness techniques.

Please do post again (and again) for as long as you’d like.

anita

You are very welcome, Galaxy, and please do post again, anytime!
anita