Hi Adam,

I’ve been in a similar position to you and understand the hurt.

I think Owen offers good advice, especially about looking to yourself and being ‘master’ of your own feelings.

On a practical level, when I learned that my ex (with whom I’d also been close friends for some years before we started a romantic relationship) had met someone else, the thing that helped me most initially was basically trying not to think about it! I did all I could to ensure that nothing would crop up in my face about their relationship because it caused me absolute anguish, visceral jealousy and all kinds of other emotions which were deeply unpleasant to go through. I ended up, for my own sanity, having no contact with my ex for a while; this was something I never thought would happen between us but it really helped.

At the same time, I also had to consciously realise that I had to accept my feelings and live through them, believing that they would pass. I allowed myself to feel awful, furious, devastated etc, because these feelings are part of the process of getting over someone and it’s fine to have them.

The two approaches may seem paradoxical! I’m not suggesting you suppress your feelings; just don’t focus on them all the time or keep imagining your ex with her new boyfriend – because it absolutely doesn’t help. You have a right to feel whatever you feel, but you also need to look after yourself and ensure you don’t get too dragged down or even used to feeling bad.

Instead of lashing out at your ex, be good to yourself – make new habits, explore new interests, try to see other people, visit new places, keep exercising – these things will distract you and help you move forward.
Also allow yourself to feel angry and sad because it will pass with time – honestly, time is the main thing that will make things better!

There will come a day when you don’t mind what your ex is up to, and you’ll be happy again and living the life you want. It’s totally fine if that takes a while – it is for me! But trust the process – you’ll be OK 🙂

Adam,

I am sorry for your suffering.

When we form expectations we must understand that we also create birth to disappointment when these expectations are not met hence why it is important to learn to go into things not with hope but simply with love and care. However, please know that all experiences suffer no true loss. In all cases, we all learn from everything that transpires and therefore gain something we did not know. We must also understand and adopt a forgiving attitude for ourselves exactly because of this. We are not meant to know everything nor ever will and therefore must be accepting of our mistakes. The truly important thing is whether or not we have learned from our experience(s) and if we decide to use these lessons to further develop ourselves.

As for your feelings for your ex, they are quite understandable. However, truly caring for another individual means to want the best for them. To feel as though she is obligated to you is a wrong way of thinking and also another expectation which, when failed, further imposed on your turbulent attitude. Changing your outlook for her situation to a positive one, learning from your failed relationship and applying its lessons to your being and keeping a compassionate heart+mind will help get you through this.

Peace to you,

Al