fbpx
Menu

Stuck

Home→Forums→Tough Times→Stuck

New Reply
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #53909
    Adam
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    I am having a hard time at the moment, I broke up with an ex of mine probably about 5 months ago now, we had been close friends for almost 10 years and had placed alot of expectation into the relationship.

    Issues we had in our friendship were amplified in the relationship and we decided to call it quits there were things I was not happy about in the relationship and asked her to work on herself, I thought she would spend that time alone doing that. I find out about six weeks later (during this period I was ok) that she has a new boyfriend. I found it shattering it hurt incredibly that someone I thought was so close to me could do something that they knew would hurt me.

    5 months later I know that she is living with him, and I am stuck, I feel angry, resentful and often feel like lashing out, it consumes my mind alot and often puts me in a bad mood.

    I am seeing a pshyc once a fortnight and exercising regularly.

    Any advice from people out there? I often feel like lashing out at her, and stop myself because I think it will look stupid or look bad, but is it wrong to supress my anger? Wont it just end up hurting me?

    #53934
    jag james
    Participant

    I am very much a novice to all this having only picked up meditation very recently however I think I can see that it maybe due to a root cause of vulnerability or a dislike of not having control. I say this because you seemed fine until she did something unexpected that then exposed you to vulnerability / lack of control.

    I was once in a very similar position and when I learnt that it was not this person, her actions or the current situation that made me feel hurt and angry but a deeper root cause such as my own discomfort with being vulnerable it allowed me to learn more about myself and become empowered by my pain. The girl and the new guy almost dissolved instantly and I spent time learning and being nicer to my inner self.

    It may or may not make things easier for you, I hope it does, but it is definitely a welcome distraction when you stop blame outside forces and look deeper into yourself to find out what is really going on. Take yourself away to somewhere nice (beach / forest / hill etc) get some meditation headfones on and decide to learn about yourself more via the situation. Hopefully you will feel as refreshed as I did 🙂

    #peace

    #53958
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I’ve been in a similar position to you and understand the hurt.

    I think Owen offers good advice, especially about looking to yourself and being ‘master’ of your own feelings.

    On a practical level, when I learned that my ex (with whom I’d also been close friends for some years before we started a romantic relationship) had met someone else, the thing that helped me most initially was basically trying not to think about it! I did all I could to ensure that nothing would crop up in my face about their relationship because it caused me absolute anguish, visceral jealousy and all kinds of other emotions which were deeply unpleasant to go through. I ended up, for my own sanity, having no contact with my ex for a while; this was something I never thought would happen between us but it really helped.

    At the same time, I also had to consciously realise that I had to accept my feelings and live through them, believing that they would pass. I allowed myself to feel awful, furious, devastated etc, because these feelings are part of the process of getting over someone and it’s fine to have them.

    The two approaches may seem paradoxical! I’m not suggesting you suppress your feelings; just don’t focus on them all the time or keep imagining your ex with her new boyfriend – because it absolutely doesn’t help. You have a right to feel whatever you feel, but you also need to look after yourself and ensure you don’t get too dragged down or even used to feeling bad.

    Instead of lashing out at your ex, be good to yourself – make new habits, explore new interests, try to see other people, visit new places, keep exercising – these things will distract you and help you move forward.
    Also allow yourself to feel angry and sad because it will pass with time – honestly, time is the main thing that will make things better!

    There will come a day when you don’t mind what your ex is up to, and you’ll be happy again and living the life you want. It’s totally fine if that takes a while – it is for me! But trust the process – you’ll be OK 🙂

    #53962
    sunseeker26
    Participant

    Hi Adam,
    When what we want in our minds and what is happening in reality are not aligned we are in turmoil. Being in a similar situation I can relate to your situation. From my experience all I can say is no contact with ex and pure time helped. It’s a cliche but time does heal. It’s a SLOW process but keep busy, do things you enjoy and day by day you’ll realise you didn’t think about your ex for the past hr, then a couple of hours and eventually the whole day, weeks etc 🙂 you won’t really know what did it for you but eventually the ebb and flow of the deep pain and firey anger will slow and stop. At the end of the day love is all there is. Love yourself enough not to put your mind, body and soul through all the trauma that negative emotions bring. We have very little to no control over our lives, things will happen some of what we want and some what we don’t want, if you expect this in life when things unexpected occur in your life (and they most certainly will) accept them as they are, don’t fight it, don’t change it just go with the flow. I’m not saying turn into a door mat, but you know the saying change what you can, accept what you can’t change and let it go. Every time you think of your ex replace it with a positive thought or image straight away, this really helped me, I am visual so beaches, sunsets, sound of the ocean helped straight away to stop the negative emotions taking hold of me and instead filled me with peace and acceptance eventually.

    Hope you find peace in your heart and know that you are a special person as you are.

    Peace xx Aysha

    #53968
    Al
    Participant

    Adam,

    I am sorry for your suffering.

    When we form expectations we must understand that we also create birth to disappointment when these expectations are not met hence why it is important to learn to go into things not with hope but simply with love and care. However, please know that all experiences suffer no true loss. In all cases, we all learn from everything that transpires and therefore gain something we did not know. We must also understand and adopt a forgiving attitude for ourselves exactly because of this. We are not meant to know everything nor ever will and therefore must be accepting of our mistakes. The truly important thing is whether or not we have learned from our experience(s) and if we decide to use these lessons to further develop ourselves.

    As for your feelings for your ex, they are quite understandable. However, truly caring for another individual means to want the best for them. To feel as though she is obligated to you is a wrong way of thinking and also another expectation which, when failed, further imposed on your turbulent attitude. Changing your outlook for her situation to a positive one, learning from your failed relationship and applying its lessons to your being and keeping a compassionate heart+mind will help get you through this.

    Peace to you,

    Al

    #54394
    Adam
    Participant

    Hey Guys,

    Thank you so much for the outpouring of support.

    I have had my good days and bad days in between @owen deneny thanks for your words and this is something that I am going to have to journey learning to become better to my inner self.


    @Alice
    thank you and you words made me realize that there are other people in the same position and that I its ok to process your feelings, one of the hardest parts of this journey for me has been accepting my feelings and allowing myself to be devastated and hurt when so often people are telling you to do the opposite.


    @sunseeker26
    thanks for your kind words also, I have tried visulisation but am not very good at it but realise that I need something in place to counter the negative emotions.


    @AL
    I guess that will be the learning experience for me then, learning how to love someone who I feel deep down has wronged me completely, changing that outlook could be a big lesson for me.

    Thank you all for taking time to reply; I am going to Nepal next week for three weeks so hoping to meditate and do some of the things you have all suggested, I will keep you updated while there and give you updates on my progress, I hope to come back to my normal life with a new sense of balance and love.

    Adz

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.