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  • #75536
    Perkins
    Participant

    My boyfriend of almost 2 years was unemployed for 3 months(he has now found work. Still not making enough money). He has three children pays about $950 a mo in child support; he makes about $55,000 a year. For some people that’s a lot, however this doesn’t cover nearly what he needs. We share all bills right now for our apartment but we maintain our own bills individually such as our cars etc. during the months he was unemployed, I paid ALL bills. I also make about his salary but I have been a diligent steward of my money my whole life. The stress of that just about killed my faith in him and it killed my soul. He has an amazing work ethic and gives 1000% to everything he does. That’s one of the qualities I love bout him. Of note, he doesn’t have a college degree which complicated securing a good job even tougher. As a few months have passed and now since he is employed, I hold a lot of anger and resentment. I shared with him that I need a partner who is financially stable and to take care of me.i don’t need or want a partner who makes a ton of money or who is a workaholic. I want and deserve financial stability… who doesn’t? He admittedly hasn’t and doesn’t handle money well. I am now seeing the past mistakes haunts US as we look ahead to our future. He has apologized profusely and I appreciate it and know he means it. I feel tons of trepidation about the future and I know I can’t endure another financial fiasco like the one that happened recently. I’m not the same person as I was since then and I feel guilty for still feeling fear of this happening again. I know what I deserve and have every right to, but I can’t shake this feeling of utter disappointment and sadness. He is right for me in most every other way so that makes this doubly hard. I’m trying to forgive but I feel SO very stuck.

    #75537
    John W
    Participant

    dump him. You are using him. Spin it however you want, but you both need to move on. This will not likely fix itself.

    #75596
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    Nobody is ever ‘perfect’ for us. It sounds like it’s time for you to figure out what your priorities are and what you want in a relationship. It’s not so much that you ‘deserve’ financial stability, but that it’s important to you.

    Your choices are A) leave your boyfriend because he’s not good with money and financial stability is more important to you than the relationship, B) stay with him and maybe try to work with him around learning better money-handling responsibilities or getting a job, etc (if he gets a job, maybe you can take on the money-handling tasks while he takes on something in the relationship that he’s better at than you are?) or C) stay, do nothing, and continue to get resentful and angry, in which case your relationship will eventually end painfully.

    If you’re a good match in every other way, maybe there’s some way to more actively support him in getting work and/or learning better skills. It seems to me that, if you really are a good match in all these other ways, it might be worth trying some other tacks before you end it. It’s not that often that we find someone that is a good match.

    On the other hand, if financial stability is one of your top priorities, and he’s not going to be able to provide that to your satisfaction, it might simply mean that you need to find a partner who brings more financial resources to the table. There’s no shame in wanting that. People break up for lots of reasons, who love one another and are good together in many ways.

    Good luck in whatever you choose to do!

    And I don’t agree that you’re ‘using’ him any more than any of us ‘use’ our partners and friends to help get our needs met. Your desire to be financially secure is totally valid.

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