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Stuck in a Rut.. btw a rock and a hard place

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • February 13, 2017 at 11:58 am #127451
    Ginger Persaud
    Participant

    When I was 25 years old I refinanced my parents home to help them keep their house. I was the only one with an earned income at the time. My name is no on the deed and the mortgage. Shortly after I refinanced they missed a mortgage payment, then one became 2 to 3 now we’re at 6. I’ve helped my parents many times w/ money to save their home which I live in as well. My credit I ruined & I had to divorce my husband in order for us to get approved for a first time home owners loan which gives us a very low interest rate, which we need living in NY. Now we cant get what we want because they prefer a cosigner or an additional 20k income which would have been me! I’m earing more than 20k per year but I cant put my name on anything. My credit is so badly depleted. The only way to removed my name off of the mortgage is for my dad to refinance again and that’s not an option

    February 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm #127457
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ginger263:

    I understand why you tried to help your parents. Best policy, I believe is to stop ADDITIONAL damage and losses, emotionally and financially. Some of the harm done- you can’t undo it. Prevent future harm by moving out, cutting contact with your mother; stop helping your parents with money of any kind and in any way.

    Leave and make your own life- accept and let go of your losses best you can.

    anita

    February 13, 2017 at 12:18 pm #127463
    Ginger Persaud
    Participant

    Anita, do you talk to your mother? its’ a little presumptions for you to demand that I cut contact with my MOTHER.. no one is in fact perfect! her behavior is bad I am aware, I am taking steps to leave but you know the world has troubled people and having a mental illness doesn’t mean that person is no longer a person.. a disease is a disease fyi and the world is full of people with issues.. will I leave yes I am, but I won’t hate my mother.. this is not an eye for an eye here, I’m not trying to make the whole world blind! but thanks

    February 13, 2017 at 4:44 pm #127485
    CooL
    Participant

    Hi Ginger263,

    I’m sorry to hear you are in such a difficult place right now. Dealing with mental illness, especially if the person is a family member who does not seek help for the illness, can lead you to their dark place.

    I can see from your writing that you truly love your mother and I’m assuming your mother has showed you this kind of love in the past. We don’t know if the hurtful words your mother says is the by product of her bi-polar or if she does this way, but from what I’ve read I feel part of it is due to the bi-polar disorder.

    At this point, I think the best thing you can do have a conversation with your mother and tell her, when she’s not in one of her episodes, about the need for her to get help. You need to explain to her that her physical and emotional abuse has hurt you and your children and if she doesn’t get help, she will lose you and her grandchildren.

    Your responsibility is to your husband and children and to provide them with a safe environment to grow. Sit down with your husband and look over your finances and determine if you can move out on your own. See if its possible for you brother and father to help out looking after the kids when you move out. People are more resilient than they believe they are. I believe you can figure out a childcare option until your children are school age.

    You will also need to sit down with your children to explain to them what’s going on. You need to reassure them they are loved and you need their help. Young kids are more aware of their surroundings they you know. By assuming they don’t know what’s going on or understand complex ideas is a disservice to their intelligence. They will pick up on your worries and anxiety.

    I don’t know if any of my advice is helpful, but all I can say is, breath, hug your children everyday and keep moving towards a better situation for you and your family.

    February 28, 2017 at 6:51 am #131649
    Mimi
    Participant

    Hi Ginger263,

    I feel for you and your situation. I don’t see anything in your question about your mothers situation or if she was verbally abusive to to you due to an illness, maybe you edited your question. So based on what I have read, and to some degree you really do need to consider a healthy way to cut back on enabling this situation. I will assume your father is not suffering the same condition and can see after their finances. Try to shift your mindset a little by stating ” My Dad is more than capable of handling this situation..” [ this helps ! It shifted my mentality ]

    With that stated, as I am in a slightly similar situation, I would’ve recommended that you do cut some enabling and co-dependent responses to your parents’ financial problems. And it is a financial mismanagement problem that is continuously supported by you unfortunately- I feel your pain.

    And of course we feel an obligation to our family, especially when we live in the same home- 1) we must contribute financially and 2) our culture socialized us to take care of family BUT we now know that other people must carry their own weight otherwise generational issues can occur. You may have the same expectations of your children as you age-these patterns sneak up on us because they are SUBCONSCIOUS beliefs- they are very powerful. And your subconscious belief in this case is that you must suffer and your family must suffer in order to help your parents AND that you are the only one who will ever be able to fix the situation as you are the ‘only financially capable one’.

    When you can re-train your subconscious thoughts to believe that your parents/Father are more than capable ! Capable of downsizing, capable of Dad making sure payments are automatically withdrawn for monthly mortgage payments, Dad is capable of assisting Mom by attending financial counseling together, they are more than capable of making income to pay the bills, Dad is more than capable of attending a counseling session with Mom at a religious community/church about finances, about their relationship difficulty, maybe renewing their vows-anything to plant a seed in Mom to seek help later on for her illness. You can suggest this to him by stating “Dad you are more than capable of doing X.Y.Z solutions with Mom”

    Carrying this type of weight and other peoples insecurities will take a toll on you, your husband, and children.

    All the Best !

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mimi.
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