Dear nadj:

You grew in, didn’t you? You didn’t grow up or out, you grew into yourself, shrank. Aware, you are: you are aware of what is happening. From that prison cell, so to speak, that you are in, you can see quite clearly. You shake the walls of that prison cell once in a while and you stay inside. You test the waters outside and it is always too cold to commit to get out.

You feel pain in your body and you feel dead. The emotions in you are alive- they want out, they want you out of the prison cell. When the pain gets too great you shut it down, push those emotions down, again. This numbing, this dissociation is that feeling dead, isn’t it?

If you agree with my description which I base on my understanding of your description, what can you do about this situation?

anita

Dear nadj:

I too wished many, many times to feel nothing at all. There is a way to feel better, over time, and even right now. There are ways, some of them are effective long term, some are not. Did you attend psychotherapy? I wish you can find a good psychotherapist. It is within a relationship with a psychotherapist that is good-enough, one that is trustworthy and authentic, that healing can take place, start taking place. A psychotherapist that will learn about you, your valid feelings (validate them), encourage you to safely express those, teach you skills to tolerate them (in small amounts), listen to their messages to you, re-integrate yourself…

You can see pretty well what is going on but there is a whole lot MORE to see that you are not seeing, perhaps if you were curious about what you are not seeing, that could motivate you. There is a whole lot more to what life is about.

Please do get the help that you need…!
anita

Dear nadj:

I am sorry you are in that place. I am feeling low myself right now as I type this. I wish you weren’t suffering as you do. I wish you didn’t suffer at all, that you liked yourself, that you replaced self hate with self empathy, self compassion. I wish you stopped hurting yourself with what you say to yourself/ with your thinking. I wish you didn’t believe you deserve to suffer. I wish you believed that you deserve empathy, caring, feeling calm and good.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

But you can. Maybe something small, one little thing. Think of yourself as a little kid who is in pain, be good to that little kid, so something nice for that kid. Before trying to understand why that kid hates himself, before asking him, show him some mercy. Pitty that kid, CARE that he suffers, do something about it- don’t just stand there beating him more and more- STOP- stop hurting the little kid in you. Wake up- he is hurting; he is crying for help. Help him… please…!
anita