Stuck in the past….need help

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    Dear All,

    Greetings. I am new here and this is my first post. I was always unhappy but during the last 7 years it got worse. Lately I have been doing meditation and while I can feel emptiness and silence, my thoughts/beliefs about the past still come back to haunt me and feelings of hurt/sadness/depression/blaming/regret surface.

    I know you should give some time to your mind during the day to express itself. And during that time nothing comes to mind, just silence and peace. However during the day my thoughts/beliefs torment me. Maybe I should give it some time and stick to it.
    I am trying to hear my inner self but so far I did not manage. Tried different approaches during the last few years.

    Can anyone share the path to enlightenment if someone has gone through the same problems? Also I want to ask if any of you have used music that affects the subconscious or employing energy to heal. I know there are a lot of products out there and people claiming that it changed their lives. So far I make use of a Subliminal program on my pc.

    All my life so far I did things that I didnt like unconsciously. Now that I decided to change this life, I feel miserable, lonely and physically sick and tired.

    How do you find your life’s purpose and achieve the life you dream.

    I thank you all and appreciate all help



    Hi Dory,

    Sorry to hear that how unhappy you feel. Not sure I have any perfect answers for you but I will share with you the advice I have.

    Meditation is a great way to relax and can be focused on things like ’emptiness’ and ‘clarity’. If you are having trouble with your meditation try going to a meditation class where your meditation can be guided better. I’ve tried Kadampa Buddhism evening classes and they are really amazing, concentrating on finding solutions to exactly the kind of troubles you are experiencing. I don’t have the ability to meditate at home but at the class you are surrounded by like minded individuals, knowledgeable teachers and it’s the prefect environment to study and improve your meditation techniques so it really works. I’m not sure where you live but you might find a centre here:

    As for music I love a certain type of chillout music and listen to it through earphones every day. It’s a style that helps me relax and open my mind, fuelling my internal rhythm and keeping me at peace in even the most mentally demanding environments.

    If you feel like you are stuck with the troubles of the past, accept that the past wasn’t good, that you have learnt from that, and make positive steps to change your future. Don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Where would you like to go or what would you like to do?


    Hello Jonathan

    Thank you for your time to share with me and help me. I really appreciate it. The Kadampa meditation seems interesting but unfortunately I dont have it in my country, the nearest is Italy. Is there a way to buy a digital version of this meditation or guide. I was reading the Inner Journey which gave me good directions to think about. He talks about the mind-heart-navel(life’s centre) and the ‘I’/ego and Love.

    When I mentioned music I was referring to music that are of particular frequencies that can alter the mind waves and change your energy. I like chillout music as well 🙂

    Once again I thank you for your input and sharing your experience with me.



    Hi Femalemt,

    Sorry to hear you are unhappy.
    I look at things a bit differently than you, and I strongly believe in measured doses of tough love. So here goes.
    I treat Meditation as a tool for invoking the relaxation response…not as a healing tool. Being in the fight or flight state is what is the killer…and leads to stress, anxiety and a truck load of physical ailments. Meditation is a means of “breaking the cycle”, and getting the body back on track….which,in turns, has a positive affect on the mind. However, this is working on the symptoms. healing can only come from working on the root causes. You say:

    my thoughts/beliefs about the past still come back to haunt me and feelings of hurt/sadness/depression/blaming/regret surface.

    This is closer to where your problem may lie. Your emotions…hurt, sadness, blame and regret…are the barometer of your mental wellbeing. And from reading the above, it appears you’re in the middle of a hurricane.
    Until you can review, with a view to changing, the beliefs that are causing these emotions, nothing much will change for you. The goal is to replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs…and if your current beliefs are activating those types of emotions, then I suggest they are limiting.
    If these emotions are really causing you significant daily stress, I suggest you consider seeking the assistance of a therapist who can take you through the “review process”. It can be a very difficult task by yourself.
    I wish you all the best.


    Hi Femalemt,

    The good thing about meditation class is there are lots of other people all with their own predicaments and you learn together as a group, in a more universal than individual way, listening to each others questions and thoughts and applying everyone’s view to what you are trying to achieve. With Buddhism you can go incredibly deep into discovering the ideas of Samsara, Dharma and such or, as I do, take it all with a pinch of salt and find what works for you.

    As for digital guides there is a fantastic site

    I have the MP3 audio book ‘Transform your Life – A blissful journey’ which is a good introduction. You might also find the books ‘How to Solve Our Human problems’ and ‘Modern Buddhism’ are a good starting point. They all come in multiple formats, with previews to read and audio clips to listen to before committing.

    Hope it is of help 🙂


    Hello Steve,

    Thank you for sharing your insights with me and I agree 100% with you. Some say that the mind is an illusion and we have to accept ourselves as we are and some say to question ourselves and we find the answers. But I am not at that point yet however resolute I am at changing these beliefs.

    I have tried different modalities during these last few years like energy healing, now doing theta healing (a kind of energy-healing and beliefs replacing) system but the new beliefs did not stick or maybe it needs more work. I dont know. All I know is that I still feel bad and cant find the solution, which leads more frustration and bad feelings.

    I had been in contact with psychologists but from my viewpoint they only give you exercises to ‘trick the mind’, not really solve what the root cause is. So I stopped doing it.

    I agree with you also on meditation.

    Thank you once again


    Thank you once again Jonathan. How to solve our human problems seems to be promising.

    Once again I appreciate your help.

    Blessings and good health!


    Many thanks Amul….will keep in mind and follow 🙂


    Hi Femalemt,

    You have hit the nail on the head….the easy part is to want to review/change beliefs…the hard part is the implementation. Consider how long you have been living your life through your current “lens”!
    For the moment, let’s go back to the beginning and look at what is involved in “changing beliefs”:

    The belief change cycle as, described by Robert Dilts, goes something along these lines:
    1) Being Open to Doubt – This is the most crucial part of any and all belief change. Sometimes the simple act of doubting an existing belief can lead to rapid belief change. This is when we start examining our existing beliefs and think “Maybe it’s not true,” “Maybe there are exceptions,” “Well, that’s not always true.”
    2) Becoming Open to Believe – This is when we start asking “What if this were true?” “What would life be like if I believed this?”
    3) Wanting to Believe – We want to believe something, but are aware it’s not part of our current belief system.
    4.) Incorporation – This is when we begin to add the new belief to our existing belief system. Sometimes this can happen quite rapidly, however if the new belief is very “radical” compared to our established belief system, we may have to adjust or even “retire” old beliefs in order to accommodate the new belief, which happens in step 5.
    5) Refiling of the old belief – Dilts describes a “Museum of Personal History” where we store old beliefs, like the belief in Santa Claus. A more advanced tactic to belief change involves envisioning current limiting beliefs the same way we look back on believing in Santa Claus.
    6) Trust in the new belief. – You start gathering “proof” of the new belief

    As you’ve found, the hardest step is incorporation…especially when your desired belief contradicts too much of your lens on life.
    A way of getting around this is to build small beliefs, or small versions of our desired belief…and gradually increase it until we have achieved our desired goal.

    I also believe that there is a need to go through the 6 stages. If you’ve missed a couple, then the whole process mightn’t “take”.

    If you’re open to it, perhaps you’d like to share one of the beliefs you’re trying to change…and we could dissect it a bit.


    Hello Steve,

    Thank you for sharing your points and trying to help me, very kind of you.

    I try to get beyond or change beliefs but most are regrets like: I should have gone to cookery school (very long time ago). Beliefs like ‘I will never find what my life’s purpose is’, ‘I am not good at anything'(doubting), ‘I will never be healthy’ (I screwed my health too apart my life’, ‘I wasted my life’……….things like these (I have much more).

    And yes the hardest parts are nos 4,5,6. Soon i will go crazy if I continue like this.

    Once again heartfelt thanks for all your time and help Steve.




    Okay Dori, let’s have a look at these. I don’t have all the answers. Only you can change, no one can force or make you change…assuming you want to. But let’s see if we can make it a bit easier.

    1. “I should have gone to cookery school”. Why? Obviously things have happened since you made the decision not to, that has brought this on. But I challenge you to revisit the original reasons you decided not to. Were they valid reasons THEN? ….which I’m sure they were. Using 20/20 hindsight to second guess past decisions is irrational. We can’t base our current decisions on what happens in the future. That’s illogical. You made a best guess and that’s all we fallible human beings are capable of. Until you can accept past decisions, you will be cursed with a life of regrets.

    2. “I will never find my life’s purpose”. Too late, you’ve have found it. It’s to live…and interact with other people…and make mistakes…and learn lessons…and provide learning opportunities for others…like me. There’s no bells or whistles or fireworks or harps. It’s just life.

    3. “I am not good at anything”. I call bollocks on that. You can put two words together. You can express your feelings. Make a list of what else you can do. Little steps. Sure, there’s stuff you can’t do…as there are many things I can’t do. That’s because we are all different…by design.

    4.”I will never be healthy”. Perhaps you won’t. Some people aren’t. But that’s a pretty broad statement about yourself. Again, list what works in your body and what’s worn out. Set some goals on fixing the broken bits.

    There’s some thoughts to start the ball rolling.
    It’s a matter of really looking at what unwanted emotions are being triggered, what happened to trigger them, what must I believe about that happening for that emotion to be triggered and is that belief rational and realistic? If not, start slowly converting it to an empowering belief. Easier said thatn done, I know…but it is possible.


    Hi Steve,

    All my wrong beliefs and the decisions I took were illogical for me (maybe they made sense at that time but were wrong decisions), cause they were not compatible with my heart desires.

    As we agreed its how the new beliefs implementation that will weed out the old ones that I am missing and not seeing 🙁

    Thanks again for your help.


    Hi Dori,

    You said…”maybe they made sense at that time but were wrong decisions, cause they were not compatible with my heart desires.”
    This is a common feeling. “How could I have done that, when I really wanted to do such and such. I’ve sabotaged myself”
    The reason for this supposed self-sabotage is …PRIORITIES.
    I’m guessing you had a good reason to do the cookery course and a good reason not to. When we have competing beliefs like that, we draw on our “priorities” to adjudicate between them. Obviously, your priority was some sort of practical reason…which over ruled your heart.
    So, you just have to accept that, all things taken into account…at the time…you decided against the course. Trust your past decision making. Since then, you have learnt more information which has indicated that the better way might have been to follow your heart. That’s great, you’ve learnt some more and gained some wisdom…but that makes the original decision no less authentic or valid.

    As for changing beliefs. There’s no getting past its difficulty. But its a softly, softly process. Your brain needs to disconnect those old, strong connections that your current beliefs have created. It does this by slowly building up new connections…which have to battle against the stubborn old ones.

    Let’s look at your belief that “‘I am not good at anything”.
    If you reviewed that objectively and honestly, you’d agree that it’s an irrational and limiting belief.
    If you agree, then the next step is to replace it with a new belief.
    Perhaps it could be something like…”I am a real trier, and I sometimes achieve my goals, however, I still need to work on X”
    For that belief to replace the old one, it has to be repeated over and over again. This is the way the brain grows new connections. Another way that the connection can be re-enforced is by “proof”. Every-time the belief is realised or acted out, the connections grow in the brain. Every time you hit a mark or achieve a goal…the new belief is re-enforced.

    It’s very hard, but worthwhile, work. There is no easy way. But the rewards are enormous.


    Hello Steve

    The old beliefs became regrets and come back to torment everyday. And to accept it and forgive myself is even harder. I know the way you described the new belief system but it reminds of affirmations for example repeating ‘I am rich’ and your mind says, ‘Yeah Right!’ (dream on…..)

    In the beginning of this thread I had asked if someone use any systems or energy healing music to go beyond their conscious and implement new beliefs.

    Thanks again for sharing and helping me.


    I hear what you’re saying. Just chanting affirmations ain’t gunna cut it.
    New beliefs shouldn’t just be “dreams” e.g. “I am rich”…they should be based on reality and have substance.
    I would only put my mind to adopting a new belief of, for example, ”I am a real trier, and I sometimes achieve my goals, however, I still need to work on X”…if every word was true.

    If your mind can accept an old belief, for example, “I will never be healthy”…that is totally out of whack with logic and reality, shouldn’t it be worth trying to adopt a new, reality based belief? I know you do want to, but just can’t find a method.
    Hopefully, others on this forum might offer some suggestions. I can only speak from experience and the way I changed my core beliefs was:

    1. I had to be told and convinced that my existing belief system was dodgy. That was a real eye opener and turning point. I couldn’t believe what I had been doing for 40 odd years was so wrong.
    2. I had to be given suggestions on new ways of thinking and be convinced they were correct….which doesn’t mean I had adopted them at this stage.
    3. I had to have a triggering event, that proved the validity of the new beliefs. It was a painful event, however, I will be forever grateful for it, as it changed my whole life
    4. I had a follow up event, which reinforced the validity of my new core beliefs beyond doubt. This is one of the reasons that I believe that so much learning and wisdom can come from the difficult parts of our lives.

    I still have the old ones surfacing occasionally, as I’m just a fallible human being, but I manage to mostly knock them on the head.

    I wish you well in your search ….

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