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Stuck on past thoughts

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  • May 29, 2015 at 2:51 am #77455
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am in a relationship with this man and it’s serious. I’m 20 and he is 21. We have a good relationship and serious plans for the future. The thing is I am very jealous. I hate anyone who talks to him, especially girls that are in his class. I feel like they talk to him to make me jealous or something and I HATE IT. Just mind your own fucking business. I hate the girls before me, I hate everyone he ever liked besides me.

    If you could help me I would really appreciate it. The “Enjoy your relationship with him” / “Just get over it” / “Think about the present” kinda stuff doesn’t really help though.

    Thank you in advance!

    May 29, 2015 at 8:52 am #77465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:
    Maybe it will help you to think back to the origin of these feelings in you: did you feel as a child left out, being second (or third, etc.) to someone else? Did you feel that you didn’t get the attention you needed and someone else got it instead? Were you envious as a child/ teenager of those who got the attention, the positive attention that you were not getting?

    If you find this line of thinking worthy of your time and attention, please let me know, and we will communicate further.
    anita

    May 29, 2015 at 12:12 pm #77470
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Now that I think about it, yes I felt at least one of those things.

    May 29, 2015 at 12:20 pm #77471
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:
    I believe it can be very helpful to you- if you can endure the discomfort of experiencing past pain- to process that unresolved pain. One way is to write about it, try to write about it from an emotional place. What do you think? Or write about not wanting to address it. What do you think?
    anita

    May 29, 2015 at 10:55 pm #77493
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    OK this is my second link to a Noah Elkrief video today but check out this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWEyWrx6p6M

    My own advice would be to examine and possibly replace your beliefs around love, rejection etc. Now that’s something that takes time, and the way you do that is something to discover as you go along but if you really want to change this then I’m sure you’ll find ways of making it happen. “Love, freedom, aloneness” is a book by Osho that might be a good read for you to start off with – but it’s not just about reading, it’s also about trying on new ideas and seeing how they work as places to come from in your own mind.

    As for the “think about the present” stuff, saying “think about the present” is unlikely to change anything. However, if you consider having a go at an eight week meditation course, and there’s a great book called “Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, you could possibly learn something that will actually make a difference in the long run.

    PS my own inclination would be to disregard suggestions that focus on going back into your past and analyzing problems that way; the fact is, you are NOT a victim to your past.

    A quote from Dusan Djukich: “It will only delay your progress to wallow in past theories, stories, and beliefs. You want to replace all that mental spinning with pure action…Dwelling on past mistakes, injustices, or regrets is a useless indulgence. The past simply doesn’t exist. You re-create it only by choosing to think about it in the present moment with freshly chosen images and feelings. The past is only real when you think about it. Otherwise, it’s over. In a recent session, a client said, “But isn’t my past behavior the most reliable predictor of future performance?” Absolutely not! Your past behavior is nothing more than an irrelevant story that you choose to tell and re-tell. The best predictor of future performance is the position that you are coming from right now. And that is yours to freely choose.”

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by Rock Banana.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by Rock Banana.
    June 5, 2015 at 8:52 am #77763
    Simply Syntropic
    Participant

    Hey Denise,

    Thanks for sharing. You have taken the most important step you can take; to acknowledge your jealousy! The rest will flow naturally from here, you will find an answer.

    Try and find an answer to these questions, they helped me getting over my jealousy (for good):

    – What do you want from the relationship? Butterflies in your tummie, sex, someone to lean on? Only you have that answer

    – Can you control those people who talk to your boyfriend? Is your jealousy and hate going to change anything about it?

    A question for you. What do you mean by “Stuck on past thoughts”, I don’t see the link between that and what you say in your post.

    Good luck and let me know if it helps

    June 10, 2015 at 10:31 am #77999
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Denise,

    A lot of times those fears are based on deep-seated assumptions, so telling yourself to just not think about it doesn’t work. Try being curious with your mind. Ask yourself, “Why do I think this?” And look at your relationship with yourself. Jealousy is often based on self-doubt.

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

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