Hi Penguin,

I’m going to piggy-back off of what Anita said. It does sound like you are experiencing others’ emotions. That is the double-edged sword of empathy. It takes some time to recognize it.

It also seems like you are trying to control things that you can not control, such as your boyfriend’s weight. Trying to control things is a sign that your mind feels unsafe. You are in a state of fight-or-flight. Can you think of any reasons that you might be feeling this way? You will want to look deeply at yourself, and practice calming strategies to help yourself cope.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

Hi Penguin

Anita is absolutely right, as always – you will never break the cycle if your happiness depends on everyone else being happy. And one of the best ways to make others feel happier is to work on yourself. Ever notice how your mood lightens when a happy person comes in the room? And how a miserable person has the opposite effect? Helping yourself is one of the best things you can do for those around you.

It sounds like your dad has indeed been in a state of turmoil and has paid a high price for that. He knows deep down he has hurt the people who mean the most to him and has suffered for it. Is he a bad person? Probably not. But he has been weak, and he knows it. A stronger person would have made a firm decision, one way or the other. But we all have our weaknesses. The important thing for you is to accept that your dad is human, and not to hold any bad feelings towards him. That would just poison you in the long run. You can love someone without approving of the way that they behave in everything that they do.

I have been in your Mum’s position and understand completely how she feels. It feels like a judgment on you, like you weren’t good enough, or didn’t try hard enough. But it is not a judgment on her at all. Apart from anything else, your dad hasn’t even left, so the alternative can’t be that great. But even if he did, that is a reflection only of his values, not your Mum’s worth as a person. She obviously puts a higher value on her family, by the fact that she is trying to keep it together in spite of everything, so she deserves maximum credit for that.

Now, your boyfriend. My first observation on reading that was, “Wow – I wish I’d had a girlfriend that cared about me like that!”

You don’t mention how he feels about his weight – do you think it bothers him? Because if it doesn’t, he won’t do anything about it. But I’m guessing from what you say about his low self-esteem that it does bother him, possibly more than he would want to admit.

Typically, at university age, lots of triggers happen together – you stop growing, so don’t burn up as many calories as you did in your teenage years; you have to cater for yourself, meaning that junk food is an attractive option; you might stop playing sports like you did at school or at home; you spend more time at a desk than ever before; your sleep patterns can get disrupted; you may be lonely, so spend more time indoors. And I’m sure he misses you terribly. Combine these together and gaining weight is inevitable.

Some of these can’t be avoided, but there may be other things that can be done to counteract them. Maybe joining a university sports club as a way of getting exercise and making friends. Maybe voice recording study notes on a phone and listening to them whilst walking in the park. Maybe learning to cook a few easy, cheap, healthy meals. Maybe you could be his mentor, so he tells you what exercise he has done each day or each week – not to nag him, but to encourage him. Hearing your pleasure and praise will be a great ego boost for him. Whatever his triggers are, work on those, and the weight control will occur as a happy by-product. And he’ll be happier and healthier into the bargain.

Your post shows what a caring person you are, but also the effect that worrying about others is having on you. Anita mentioned in another post about “fitting your own oxygen mask before helping others”. This is very sound advice, The best way to help others is to focus on yourself so they don’t have another thing to worry about.

And that way, you will live up to your name – I defy anyone to look at a penguin and not feel happier…