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Support for leaving an alcoholic.

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  • #268459
    TRW
    Participant

    It is time to clean up my life. I fell in love a few years ago with an alcoholic. Not having had anyone in my life who drank this heavily I had no clue how destructive this disease could be. Long story short, I supported with everything I could and finally see that this toxic cycle will likely never end so I need to move on. There are periods of love, joy and excitement then inevitably there are long stretches of binges filled with choas and I am made to believe I am the biggest waste of human flesh on the planet. I know I am not. Outside of his drunken rages, I am successful, kind and curious about many things in life. I can no longer wait for him to join me and I can no longer be his punching bag. I am often lonely now and I have resources, what will it be like for him as I am the only one he has left? What about his health? When drunk, he doesn’t eat, injures himself and ends up in hospital from withdrawal symptoms. Worst of all, he drives drunk. My worry about these things and missing his sober companionship makes it hard to leave. I need support and encouragement to cut ties and hoping I can find it here.

    #268489
    anita
    Participant

    Dear TRW:

    Did you look for AA, Alcoholic Anonymous literature and support groups for him and for you, the support groups for partners and family members  of alcoholics, called Al-Anon? Al-Anon would be the best support for you, I think.

    His alcoholism is not an excuse for abusing you, or using you as a punching bag. There is no excuse for that  and you must leave  him for that reason alone, to no longer be a punching bag.

    I hope that if you contact AA or Al-Anon, they can advise you regarding him drinking and driving, and what can be done to protect the public from him.

    Otherwise, please post here again, anytime you’d like. I will be glad to reply to you when you post and I hope other members will as well.

    I will be back to the computer  in about fifteen hours. Please take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #268491
    TRW
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I really appreciate your suggestions and generosity of your time. I have contacted Al-anon and find the once a week meetings good but not frequent enough to pass the weak moments when I am drawn back to help. I also don’t have the freedom of attending meetings regularly. Ultimately I would like to build an online network of contacts I can communicate with so I can stay strong through this process and ground myself and refocus. I am falling behind in my work duties and neglecting an upcoming exam just to help him out.

    I am new on this forum, is there a way members can private message?

    Thanks again.

    #268569
    dom
    Participant

    This is from only my own personal experience dating an alcoholic and it may not be exactly what you are wanting to hear and I apologize if it comes off as harsh. I dated an alcoholic for almost 4 years. He cheated on me, was mean, and said hurtful things to make me feel inferior to him. I never left him because I was all he had and I was honestly scared he would hurt himself if I did. Even after he hurt me so many times, I kept holding on to our good memories. When he was sober he was an angel. He was everything I wanted. But ultimately it took a toll on my self worth and I needed out. Leaving someone who you still love is so so hard. You obviously still care about him and you are a good person. You just have to remind yourself that he is not your responsibility. You have to put yourself first and determine what is best for YOU. It is hard to believe but maybe you leaving him will be the thing he needs to finally push him to get help. That’s really all you could hope for. I know it is scary and it will be tough for you. You can not let people treat you like their punching bag. You deserve better. They have a disease and they need to handle it on their own. You can not save anyone. From what I know, my ex hasn’t changed a bit. However, even though I will always love him, my life is better. I get to worry about myself now. I get to put myself first. It was heartbreaking at first but just like I did, you will heal. You will continue living and life will keep on going. If you have nay other specific questions I’d be happy to give my perspective. Again, I’m sorry you are going through this and I apologize if this wasn’t necessarily what you were looking for. Just thought maybe my story would be helpful. I hope everything works out for you.

    #268577
    TRW
    Participant

    Dom,

    Thank you, your experiences are exactly what I need to hear and exactly what I have been going through. I have felt shuttered and have not been able to share my struggles with anyone close to me. I am seeking the courage to take the leap as you have and learn to care for myself first again. Leaving the mean drunk is easy. Letting go of the other half who cherishes me is heartbreaking I know I am not living my best life and I truly have everything I need to be happy. I just need to jump, not look back, and not be afraid of missing him.

     

    #268621
    anita
    Participant

    Dear TRW:

    You are welcome. I don’t believe there is a private messaging option here.

    When he is drunk he expresses to you that you are a waste of human flesh and he uses you as his punching bag ( “I am made to believe I am the biggest waste of human flesh on the planet… I can no longer be his punching bag”). When he is sober he cherishes you.

    You wrote: “missing his sober companionship makes it hard to leave… Leaving the mean drunk is easy. Letting go of the other half who cherishes me is heartbreaking”.

    My input this morning: part of him is  angry when sober and when drunk. That part expresses  itself under the influence  of alcohol because of the lowering of inhibitions. His anger is  not brought about by alcohol, it is easily expressed as abuse because of alcohol.

    If he was to become permanently sober, no longer drinking at all, his anger will still be there, it is not going anywhere. And it will express itself. How, I don’t know. Maybe in a passive aggressive way.

    Maybe he is trying to balance his mean-drunk part with extra-cherishing-sober part. Maybe if he is permanently or long term sober, he will not feel a need  to balance a mean drunk  part, and will be not so cherishing either.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #268807
    TRW
    Participant

    Anita,

    You are right, the meanness and bullying is always hovering and emerges most when he is drinking and disinhibited. These little bits of wisdom are often forgotten but are so true and fuel for keeping me on the path moving forward.

    As expected, he texted today to say he misses his best friend. So this is the beginning of one to two weeks of calm. These periods always preceded by about a week of rumblings, followed by a sudden surge in anger which indicates that the drinking has begun. The chaos, the need to make his target to repent lasts for a week or two then he comes up for air. Often in a stupor, never remembering details of his viciousness. At this stage, he is not to be reminded of his drinking; it is not good timing to make him feel more shame or guilt or he has put it the past and so should I (meanwhile I am left to lick my own wounds). This is where he says, “Sweetheart, you saved my life. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. Without you I am a mess”. So here we are, he once again cherishes me. I have remained silent this time. The reminders and support is gold for someone trying to leave this cycle  behind. Thank you.

    #268823
    anita
    Participant

    Dear TRW:

    He says: “Sweetheart, you  saved my life. I have  never loved  anyone as much as I love you. Without you I am a mess”- better treat that person very well, always.

    How often do people professing to intensely love another, often their own children, then turn around and against the objects of their love.. way too often. When this  happens in an intimate relationship, be it parent/child, boyfriend/girlfriend, what happens is that the  aggressor is  using his  victim as a place for dumping his anger, then experiencing relief for having  done so, and then the  anger builds up again and the aggressor needs another relief, and so the pattern goes.

    What to do when you love the aggressor, wanting to help the aggressor so that he is no longer in pain?

    Take away his temporary relief, maybe he will find a more permanent way to relieve himself, such as quality psychotherapy, or a very involved participation in AA. Maybe he will take on religion,  I don’t  know. But he may try another solution than the  temporary unloading of his anger on another person.

    anita

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