I have never in my life posted in a forum, but I am at a place in my life right now where I really dont feel like I have the network of support that I would like and I am desperate for some advice from others. This site seems like a really great collection of people that are similar to me in terms of seeking out themselves and wondering a lot about spirituality.

I want to start to say that I am 20 years old, and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We got together my senior year of high-school and stayed long distance as I went away to college. However, this year I transferred to a school only a few miles from his. I also want to say that I know that he is the ideal partner for me. He awakens in me this sort of feeling that I never knew that I craved or was capable of. He treats me with the utmost respect, he is caring, smart, makes me laugh, and makes me feel supported and beautiful. I love who he is as a person, and the more people I meet in college the more it dawns on me just what a rarity he is and how hard it would be to find someone else like him.

So now that I live in the city I have a new job, I am closer to a lot of old friends and so I am able to go out and do a lot more with my time than last year. I felt extremely isolated in my first year of college, I missed my family and friends and had a really hard time meeting new people and he was my major support during all of that. I felt that I was okay because I still had him and so it didnt matter that I was having such a hard time fostering new relationships. But now that I feel free of that I started to notice myself valuing our relationship less. I started flirting with my coworkers ( I would never cheat but the thought of other men was crossing my mind a lot). I realize I have never really been with another guy because I am so young, I mean 2 years is like 10% of my whole life and that is a lot! So that was part of the reason

The other reason was that I just felt restricted in some ways. I get along with guys better than girls as a general rule and so after work I wanted to go out with my guy coworkers I had befriended and my boyfriend would always show that he was jealous and upset about it. I felt like for the first time in college I was really making new friends and he was holding me back from that. It made me feel like I needed to sneak around and say that a lot of other girls had come as well when really they hadnt. I felt totally mistrusted. Beyond that as well we really stopped having any sex, like it had been a couple months. This makes me feel unwanted from his end but from mine I also just didnt have any desire to which I think is a sign something is off because we used to have sex at least twice a day.

And for one thing, this is the one that is the most confusing of all. Nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing. Everything was perfect, but a break just sat on the tip of my tongue for months. I couldnt give you a direct answer, I dont know anything that made me feel like I really wanted just to take some time to myself.

So when I finally did it (5 days ago) I told him that I thought we should be doing a lot more growing than we were capable of when we were together, and that we needed a break to find ourselves a little more and strengthen the relationship down the road. I really really want to be with this guy, I think, and all of our future plans together make me so excited and to see them washed away depresses me. On the day I told him I cried so hard that I threw up. I felt so sure and emotionless about the break before it happened but now I dont really know what I’m doing. I dont even know if this post makes sense, or if anyone is even going to read this far.

Please help me with this. I dont have anyone to talk to and I have no idea what I’m feeling. Is it good that I felt so sad when we broke off because it means I really do care? We are meeting back up in one month to either end it or keep going and I just have no idea what to feel. I have been trying to see old friends and meditate but I just dont feel like I have any idea where my head is at or what the hell I’m doing.
Thank you so much in advance for any advice I receive.