Dear hev20:

You wrote: “My whole life I have just been made to feel like nothing but a distraction until someone better comes along or a piece of meat only worthy of a one night stand.”

There are plenty of men who use women to distract themselves; plenty of men interested in “a piece of meat only worthy of a one night stand.” It is most important that you learn to recognize these two things about men you meet in the future, and then say goodbye. But recognize these two things BEFORE you are used as a distraction or as a piece of meat.

It is possible to learn about a man before. Not after.

I do not have experience with meeting men in bars. But I do have experience with online dating. If you’d like my advice (it worked for me!)- ask… and you shall receive.

Or have you given up and want advice about how to get through life single?

anita

Dear hev,

(and anita and Kat)

I acknowledge your sorrow. You’re so precious.

You never have to wait for love. You do not have to have permission from a man (or anyone) to experience full love. Thank goodness!!

You can be on your own side, have your own back, think yourself is awesome, spend time with yourself, give yourself gifts, support yourself, laugh with yourself. “Hey, sexy!” you can wink at yourself in the mirror.

You will still feel some sadness, of course, (and go ahead and allow yourself to feel it)–because partnership is a natural inclination of human beings. But you won’t have too much time for it, because you’ll be too busy having a blast with yourself!! Ha ha.

When you learn to love yourself (doesn’t happen overnight), then a man (or woman) who would love to join you in that level of being will likely show up. For as long as you reject yourself, the potential significant others you come in contact with are going to follow that (energetic) lead.

In the meantime, while you grow into that self-embracing woman, you can start to look at other human beings–both men and women, of any age and circumstance, whether or not you would think of them romantically–as ‘people who are in your path’, and seek to bless them with your smile and your hello and your listening ear. If you don’t get out much for that–well, hmm, . . . get out some more!! ha ha.

Anyway, I can tell you are a thoughtful and talented woman. Thanks for sharing your struggle–an important one a lot of us totally ‘get’, including me. Bless you.
~Jennifer

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Jennifer Boyatt.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Jennifer Boyatt.

Dear hev20,

“it’s so hard to put loving yourself into practice”

I can understand it is terribly frustrating.
Could you please answer the below questions so that I can suggest you something practical in nature?

1. Make a list of all the items for which you do not love yourself.
I will start the list..
– self-esteem issues
– I’m not slim
– I’m not gorgeous
.
.

2. List at least one person whom you love. It can be your mother, father, sibling, friend or any body else in your life. It can even be your pet. Please answer this to your truest self. And if it is “Nobody” then that is also a correct answer.

Thanks,
VJ

Dear hev20:

You wrote that you have “many years of rejection from others”- like some who have applied to many jobs, got lots of rejections and one acceptance which lead to a great career. Same here. You only need one acceptance.

You wrote about “all the messages from the media about the importance of beauty through being slim, well-dressed and made up like a model.”- I personally know of one slim, incredibly beautiful ex model, well dressed up and made up, more physically beautiful than some of well known movie stars, who is not content and who is suffering, alone. I observed physically slim and beautiful women being insecure, while some less media-approved women being confident.

You wrote: “there is no being the best at love. It seems like such chance.”- in the career world, chance does play a part, sometimes a huge part. In love chance plays a part as well, but you can approach it like you do your career: increasing your chances of success and decreasing the chances of failure.

You wrote: “if I knew I would find love in the future, I wouldn’t worry about it now. If I knew I wasn’t going to find it, I would accept it and move on with my life. Instead I am in Limbo”-

It is chance/ “luck” on one hand and the scientific approach on the other (increasing your chances of success through intentional planning and execution), no guarantees. Just like in the rest of life.

And last, you wrote: “I think this is bigger than love, it’s wanting to feel like I belong somewhere and I won’t struggle through life alone.”- but this IS what love is: “to feel like I belong somewhere and I won’t struggle through life alone.”

anita