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Terrified of being left (by boyfriend, friends, or family)

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • April 17, 2017 at 4:35 pm #145583
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Lately I’ve been terrified of being abandoned by people close to me. I think these are the reasons why:

    1) Two years ago my ex-fiance left me during our engagement.

    2) In October 2016 I made the decision to end contact with my mom because it was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. We have not talked in 6 months and she has not tried to reconcile (which I know deep down is for the best)

    3) My younger brother went into respiratory arrest during a near-fatal drug overdose, but was successfully revived. He’s still using though and I have nightmares about him passing away and receiving “the call” that he’s no longer alive.

    I think experiencing these three things has resulted in a fear of loss and abandonment. For example, I love my boyfriend and am terrified he’s going to leave me. Several months ago I saw he “liked” several attractive pictures on social media of a girl he knows and I asked him about it. These were “cute selfie” type of pictures and I found it very disrespectful that he had liked several of them (like an upwards of 10 over the span of several months). He was very apologetic, said he loved me, it didn’t mean anything, and he would stop. He has not liked any of this girl’s pictures since (or any other girl’s that I’m aware of).

    Last night we were watching a TV show together. His cell phone buzzed and when he lifted his phone up I saw he had a message from a girl. I asked him about it and he said, “Oh that was Lauren who we ran into after the concert Friday night. She just said ‘nice seeing you the other night’ and said she was moving out of state soon for her medical residency.” I do remember meeting this girl and he did introduce me to her as his girlfriend… so I should just trust him and not freak out.

    I’m just feeling very insecure. Any tips or suggestions?

     

    April 18, 2017 at 10:58 am #145697
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    I am feeling insecure myself, often enough. There is always this or that trigger, for me- I am aware that my life as is today may not be my life tomorrow. Today I am living in a nice, warm house. Next year… I may live in a tent under a bridge, I don’t know. Today I am healthy as far as I know, tomorrow, I may not be. And so it goes.

    Insecurity really is the nature of life. Who is secure? Not even the richest, not the most powerful can go to sleep at night being assured that they will wake up the next day, not catch a deadly disease or not have a family member die the next day.

    I am not making light of your anxiety, or mine, in any way. I am only too familiar with how powerful anxiety is and can be. In my efforts to live best I can with the insecurity inherent in life, I repeat to myself Reality. I look around at nature, insecurity, lack of guarantees, is inherent in any and every life form.

    I keep reminding myself and approaching this reality with as much acceptance and peace of mind as I can muster.

    I believe that the more congruent my beliefs, my thoughts and my feelings are with reality, the better my emotional well being.

    At times, we are all terrified. Post here anytime you are, if it may help. Find comfort in your boyfriend. Keep abusive relationships in the past. Do your best now, the next moment.

    anita

    April 18, 2017 at 12:35 pm #145721
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Anita, that definitely helps put things in perspective. As odd as it may sound, sometimes I forget that other people are experiencing the things you listed (disease, death, loss, etc…).

    Sometimes I get stuck in the mindset that other people have it all. Financial success, happy relationships that result in marriage, health that allows them to climb mountains and run marathons, beautiful homes, healthy families, and the list goes on…

    I look at my life and see metaphorical ruin. I’m currently seeing a therapist for anxiety and depression and I think the depression sometimes hangs a dark cloud over my head. It’s difficult to see past it sometimes, but I think practicing mindfulness and awareness can help me. I also liked your idea of your “thoughts being congruent with reality.” I think my mind lives in a fantasy world sometimes that everyone around me has it so much better. Realistically, that’s not the case. So thank you for the eye-opening response!

    April 18, 2017 at 1:00 pm #145725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear dreaming715:

    You are welcome. From my experience, that very perception of others as happy, successful and “having it all”, is the perception of a troubled mind (anxious, depressed). What a surprise it was for me to find out this is not the case. When you get rid of that cognitive-fog that goes along with distress, you are able to see people and situations as they truly are.

    I think you are doing well, being employed, living in your own apartment, having a long term relationship, keeping no contact with your abusive mother… I am quite impressed.

    anita

    April 18, 2017 at 3:11 pm #145741
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you! I don’t hear that very often, so it means a lot to read those words. I love the community here at tiny buddha and have found a lot of comfort in the support offered here by the individuals who contribute to this forum.

    April 18, 2017 at 8:44 pm #145771
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome dreaming715. I am glad you are here!

    anita

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