Hi everyone,

I know it’s a topic well-discussed and there must thousands of posts and columns about this, but every situation is different (or so one thinks) and I really felt like sharing mine, wondering whether anyone has experienced the same, which, even without a solution, would make me feel so much better.

I’ve been in what is my most serious relationship so far for 8, 9 months now. He is great, as in funny, smart und caring, even though he doesn’t always pick up on clues – his: “tell me or I won’t know” and my: “why do I always have to tell you, can’t you just figure it out” thing that happen so often in relationships. Anyways. We managed pretty well so far, talked through issues and fell in love. One of the first people I’ve met from his circle was his closest friend – the first girl he’s loved (dramatic as it sounds). They’ve known each other for 10 years now, so met when they were 15. Started dating pretty much immediately for I think a year or two. The reason they broke up was because something very tragic happened to her, which resulted in her lashing out on him, ending the relationship. He hated her with passion for a year or so before they started approaching each other again – as friends.

Now. I love him. I like her (who, by the way, is also in a serious relationship). There are absolutely no signs of sexual attraction. They really are “just friends”. But here I am, jealous anyways. They have a unique way of talking, kidding around and being with each other and while it’s apparent that I’m the girlfriend whenever we hang out in a group, I feel left out. He has felt so much, be it anger, love or hate, for her. She has defined those emotions for him. Even if during that time they were gangly, hormonal teenagers, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s LOVED her, that they’ve been intimate and painfully close.

Naturally they still meet and talk and text. Never flirty, of course, but whenever they go for a beer by themselves I have to bite my tongue. Every time he laughs because of something she said, I cringe a little. Every time he says something nice about her, I feel a sharp sting of pain. And I end up comparing myself to her, my hair, my passive ways (which she does not have), the way I dress, etc. He knows that I have my problems with that friendship and tries, albeit not always visibly or successfully, to calm me. She is trying even harder to diminish all my fears and insecurities (knowing that I am important to him), which, naturally, makes me feel worse for being so weak. I’ve been trying to actively distract myself, but then I thought – hey, maybe others can share similar stories so at least I won’t feel so helpless in this. Are there? I sure hope so …

• This topic was modified 10 years ago by Patinka.