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The awful line: “I’m not in love with you”

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  • #190785
    Jacq
    Participant

    I have currently been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and he recently told me he is not in love with me and doesn’t have that “fiery romantic love” for me anymore. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but at the end of the day he is a great person and we get along so well but, the romantic side has dwindled dramatically. I have been the one to kiss him first or initiate that we are intimate for the last year. He states he loves me very much but the in love feeling isn’t there. We are currently on a 1-2 week break of not talking or seeing each other to collect our thoughts. I just feel so insecure and crazy because I do see a future and I do think I’m in love with him, can we get that in love feeling back or is this just a world of hurt for me ?

     

    All responses are appreciated

    #190893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jacq:

    My thoughts: that in-love feeling doesn’t stay the same for people, of course. I think he knows it, being he’s  been in the relationship with you three years.

    The one year cooling off on his part is not promising.

    Those ups and downs you mentioned, if those downs followed aggression in the relationship, fights, silent treatments, repeated blaming, guilt tripping and so on, nothing like aggression to kill that in-love feeling.

    Some people thrive on fighting and and making up, many eventually tire of it, of that dynamic.

    anita

    #190897
    Mark
    Participant

    Jacq,

    Love is a verb.  It takes commitment, conscientiousness, mindful action and maturity.

    There are different phases/stages of love.  It is good to know that everyone goes through these phases.  Some don’t make it to the “end” where true, lasting and mature love is practiced.

    Basically you go through the “honeymoon, stars-in-your-eyes” phase, then committing as a couple phase,  then the … from an online article … there is the falling out of romantic love, disillusionment phase where  …

    “Everyone goes through this stage, even the most adoring, passionate couples you know. In a culture that focuses almost solely on romantic love, it can be very alarming when you realize the rush is gone, the passion has vanished, and your spouse no longer makes your pulse race.

    Think of this time as a chance to see your partner for what he really is and decide if you made the right choice.

    “Nature made (this phase) for a reason: when you lose the chemicals that give you the euphoria, you start to see reality,” Nour said. “This is a re-evaluation phase. If you feel that, overall, you made a pretty good choice… hang in there.”

    People who chase romance and divorce the moment they fall out of love will never experience true love, he said. But if you truly realize you made a mistake, this may be the time to break up and start all over with a new partner. If you don’t fall out of love, you can’t fall in love with somebody else because the human brain is programmed to love one person at a time.”

    Mark

    #190927
    Jacq
    Participant

    Thank you mark and Anita for the insightful advice. I feel that he has a lot to figure out life wise (graduating a masters program, wanting to move, etc) and he isn’t including me unless he sees a future/ is in love. I do think I’m in love with him but it hurts that he doesn’t feel the same, I just think he’s confused or has some commitment issues from his parents divorce but that may just be seeking and wanting him to want me, because who wants rejection

    #190977
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Jacq. Post again if you have more thoughts on the matter and would like more input.

    anita

    #191043
    Mark
    Participant

    Jacq,

    I hope you are taking care of yourself during this break and focus on yourself and your life outside your boyfriend.

    Mark

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