Kendall,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark it gets when shadows loom and patterns settle in. Clouds burst in the sky, obscuring whatever joy there was, until even light seems but a dream. Happiness? Try hopelessness. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The great thing about intense suffering is that it is very distasteful. You say that the darkness is comfortable, and I call bullshit. Consider your restlessness. How hard it is to distract yourself from the feeling of dis-ease. Its crushing ya, and you pretend its comfortable. What you mean is, “I don’t have faith I can change”.

The good news is, you can, and its waaaaaay easier than you think. Your mind is rutted in habits, and its time for you to grow new ones. Certain cycles lead to a sense of space, some lead to a sense of compression. You’re in a tough one, no doubt about it, and its not a miracle, boom, you’re different. But, there is a well trodden, simple path that produces noticeable, reliable results and a shitton of relief.

The trick is only that you have to intentionally think happy thoughts, noble thoughts. Not just “yeah, I’ll try to be more positive, heh”, but sit your ass down, grab a guide, and let them guide. My suggestion is “Guided Metta Meditation with Bhante Gunaratana” on YouTube. Let your fed-uppness with the seemingly endless pain bring your mind to the present, and listen close to what he says. Its a process, a gateway, a raft. We speak happy words, with as much authenticity as we can. Over time, a few days or weeks, we begin to think happy thoughts. Then, we begin to feel happy feelings. Nothing artificial, its not fake it till you make it, its steps. And it reaches all the way down into the deepest shadows, when the being makes a choice to grow toward the light. Hopeless? Please.

What I see is all your strength of heart is simply turned inward. You have all this bodhicitta, yearning for freedom, clear air, space… but suppress it, turn away, fear driving you to bite down on your desires, hiding. No wonder it hurts. No wonder you feel crazy.

Finally, don’t be afraid to get some professional help. Your descriptions are vibrant, and your ability to tell a story, your view, is quite remarkable. However, you also describe hallucinations, auditory, visual, which might benefit from some medical investigation. Unless it was just you being eloquent, which it is/was.

I’m sorry if you were expecting a pity party, or that you’re not being treated as somehow uniquely broken. Perhaps you see a crumpled up waste of a child, but I see a champion with kryptonite sunglasses. Take em off, holy shit! Its daybreak already?

Namaste, brother, may your heart find its tender light.

With warmth,
Matt

Sorry about that, sister, my mistake.

Good luck on your meditations. Lots of light hearts on TB, if you need some help remembering you’re brilliant.

With warmth,
Matt

A funny thing about The Darkness, they believe in a thing called love. lol -I couldn’t resist.
The other thing about darkness, it has no presonality, it has no thoughts, it has no wants, it speaks no words, and flows in contrast to light as oil does with water. Darkness and light cannot exist in the same space as darkness is simply the absence of light. And light is merely a form of radiation which bounces off of things and allows us to see color.
There is a true yin and yang relationship of the two. They are not at odds with one another, they are in harmony.
They are two halves of one whole. Just as one day is not made up entirely of the sun or the moon, but both.

If you were to sit quietly under a tree at noon, in the shade, and close your eyes, you might perceive darkness, and yet you will be surrounded by light. The darkness simply just is. Just as the light simply just is. …and in the same way that you are.
Without you to perceive either, they would not exist.

You give too much credit to darkness for making you feel safe. If you were to take it away, you would be the thing which remained. It would be you who made yourself feel safe.

If a stranger judges you, does he do so with his words? -And what does he know of your gifts, your talents, your skills. What does he know of the potential you harbour for greatness?
Ask yourself this: How did you feel 5 minutes before you came into contact with this judging person? Who were you 5 minutes before?
Are you a completely different person now that they’ve said something to you?
Do they have the power to take away the skills you’ve worked so hard to aquire?
Do they have the power to change who you are as a person?
Do you grant them the power to do this?
Why would you grant someone power over you, whom has done nothing to benefit you?
Did this person play an important role in your life 5 minutes before they judged you?
-Then what weight should their judgements have on your future?

I think that what you will find is that you cannot know what a person is thinking until they open their mouths to speak it.
But the thing you fear has not happened.
You have allowed your mind to project this fear into the future – and onto yourself.

Think of the worst possible scenario.
Someone I don’t know, who knows almost nothing about me, who I am, the good I’m capable of, my dreams, etc, has made a judgement. –but what matter is it, if we give their opinion no importance.
You have a power over them, because you can deflect the words and allow them to pass by you instead of colliding into you.
And even if they collide into you, they can only stay for as long as you’re willing to hold onto them.
The more weight you give these words of judgement, the heavier the burden will be to bear them, and the more pain you will suffer as a result.
-and why punish yourself? It is you who is responsible for carrying them, not the person who spoke them to you. lol

The funny thing about anxiety and fear is that you spend so much time fearing things, and projecting negativity into the future to protect yourself, but the irony is that the things have not happened yet, and the negativity causes untold amounts of damage in the form of stress.

Be mindful of your thoughts. Pay attention to what you think, and investigate any negative thoughts that come into mind.
Put the negative thoughts on trial.
Cross examine them in the court of your mind, and consider the hopeful alternatives.
You may find that all of these hurtful thoughts are nothing more than shadows, created by your own mind.

Daniel,

I wish I had your questions (above) seven years ago!

Thank you!

Inky