John,

You continue to amaze me with your beauty and inquisitiveness. Its great that you have a strong empathy, and as you continue to grow your compassion, what to do with what you sense becomes more obvious. In this case, it sounds like you haven’t come to respect the teaching quality of suffering. For example:

When someone is anxious there is a fear present, either manifested in thoughts or just a general unknown discomfort. That’s just fear, we all feel fear. When you sense this, perhaps you are not net secure in your understanding of the impermanence of these feelings, as though if you don’t do something they will be stuck forever. So you become afraid of their fear. Whoops, second arrow! Perhaps then you are afraid that your fear will make you unskillful, that you will say something dumb or unhelpful. Whoops, third arrow!

Instead, we can just take a breath and open up the space. “You seem nervous, what’s up?” Let them unfurl the coil inside them, let it pass through. If the fear is justified, just sit with them. “Yeah, I can understand why that would be scary.” If the fear is because of you, be assuring. “Oh, I do that too, you’ll find no judgement here friend.” Or whatever comes to heart.

If you’re wrong, and its some other emotion, just flow with it. “Oh, anger? What happened?” Let the puss come out of the wound, don’t drink it, but give it attentive detachment and let it drain if you can. Your love is so strong and wise, brother, that your spontaneous unbound heartsong will naturally move toward healing, toward soothing. The trick is just to not try to cover the tension with laughter… if it seems right, give it space to unbind, invite it to relief, invite them home.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Many people think that compassion is a warmth for others, such as love or kind regard. That’s not the case. Compassion is an openness to let what is, be what it is, without automatic reaction. The way I visualize it is like an open field of empty soil. If a weed arises, there is no need to blame the soil, or judge that it shouldn’t be there. Its there. That’s enough, its there. With people, its the same. They have the potential of a Buddha, but suffering is there. It isn’t there for “no reason” or “the wrong reasons”… its there for exactly the reason it is. Buddha said it distills down to clinging to self, but it arises in them for the same reasons ours arise in us… ignorance. That’s enough. Its painful for them, and that’s enough. Our metta meets up with their pain, and as we open the space, accepting that their anxiety or painful spinny fears arise for them from a perfectly balanced harmony of karma, judging it is naturally silly, unneeded. For every fruit, there is a seed. There is never a fruit that did not come from a seed, and knowing that is enough.

As we develop, sometimes we forget how much blessing and teaching we’ve received to become what we’ve become. This leads us to pride, or the “ex-whore” goofyness. A prostitute is picked up by a benefactor, who takes him in and offers him education and enlightenment. The prostitute gains wisdom and clarity, and becomes a light for others, perhaps finding a job of helpfulness, honor and just compensation. One day, the now healthy man walks by a group of prostitutes and thinks “Oh my god, you dumb whores.” Its normal and usual, and just another petal unfolding as we release our judgment for our self and others. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt