The downward spiral of my relationship with myself & partner

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This topic has 12 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.

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December 9, 2016 at 7:34 pm #122370

Jessica
Participant

I invite you to read these words with respect & compassion. I dont want to be judged.

Ive been having an extremely difficult time accepting that my partner would look at beautiful women in public or on the media. Ive been dealing with jealousy/envy issues for the last 6 years. Hes been mature, devoted, loyal, faithful, caring, kind… I know he would remain loyal/faithful ’til the end.
I know he ONLY wants me. I know hes mature and doesnt fool around. I fear getting wounded again. Fear that I won’t be able to control it & loose it and go into reactivity.
It has become an obsession & a habit of having to check to see if he’d like that girl or that girl.
I know its a waste of time. I know its a competition im having with myself. It took me all those years to realize that I was in a trance of unworthiness & believed i’ll never be good enough; but now im thinking “wait a minute. I was already good enough to begin with. ” i didnt have to try so hard to control things. I can see that my fear of getting hurt wants to learn how to trust again after being in a relationship with an immature guy who gawked frequently. He made me believe i wasnt good enough AT THE EXACT moment he gawked.

My mind: What about me? Dont I count? Is that what you always wanted? But when you really expect the partner to behave & only like you, its really tough. I was just 17 then.
Now it seems as though its nearly impossible to accept that, thats just the way guys are no matter how many times my current partner has told me im really beautiful. I believe him. I know he loves me. I know he wouldnt trade me for ANYONE. His heart is set on me; but theres this envy still lurking in the background.
Its just that at THAT EXACT moment I want him to only think of me- not them. To only look at me- not them. I know this guy is mature & wont stare. But you & i know how guys can get sometimes if they see a gorgeous sexy woman.
I know hes with me for a reason.. I know. I trust on that.
Maybe that fear wants a safe refuge where I will learn to trust more fully. Its gonna take courage & bravery & strength.

Well, if theres a suggestion you’d like to make, feel free otherwise I typed this to get it off my chest for a bit.

December 9, 2016 at 8:03 pm #122378

Anonymous
Guest

Dear violet22:

At the exact moment that your partner is looking at another woman who is attractive; at that exact moment, does it feel like he cheated on you, left you for that woman, betrayed you and is no longer with you, but with her? Does all this happen quickly, like a flash in your mind, in that single moment of him looking?

anita

December 9, 2016 at 8:14 pm #122379

Jessica
Participant

Thanks for responding. Yeah, I feel like at that moment he cheated and left me betrayed. I know hes not cheating but it feels like it. Like Ive gotten my trust broken every time.
Maybe its unprocessed fear? Trapped pain?

December 9, 2016 at 8:23 pm #122381

Anonymous
Guest

Dear violet22:

Yes, it is unprocessed fear and trapped pain, yes, I believe it is. Competent psychotherapy will help so very much to process the fear and hurt from the past and release the trapped pain, so it becomes weaker and weaker. Can you attend such?

Talking about that trapped pain in a support group setting can also help- talk and talk and better cry as well.

anita

December 11, 2016 at 9:00 am #122438
Inky
Participant
Hi violet22,

People instinctively look at other people, not because there’s something lacking in their partner, but I believe because of our ancient past. In the old days (and not that long ago!) people were always dying. At a shockingly young age. So we unconsciously cast our eyes to the horizon for “One in the Wings”.

On the other side we also take after our Creator, who was a jealous God. So NO! Do NOT presume to look at other women in front of me!

If he is doing it so you notice tell him to have some class.

And in the meantime buy and hang a Men in Kilts calendar filled with sexy Scots in kilts in your home if it becomes a problem. You can have eye candy too!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Inky.
December 11, 2016 at 3:05 pm #122467

Jessica
Participant

Hi. Thanks for replying. I know its not because im lacking something. He only wants me- he keeps repeating it since we 1st met & I believe it. We’re on our 6th yr now & its gotten worse because im controlling unconsciously. I dont mean to its just that it hurts when he can get away with a peek. Its not fair to me. I dont think relationships should work that way.
I know that I have the right to gawk too but I dont want to. We’ve already talked about this issue many times but I just cant bring myself to accept that he’ll like others beside me. I know its a waste of energy but the sting.

Maybe I have different views/standards than majority of population.

December 11, 2016 at 7:30 pm #122483

Anonymous
Guest

Dear violet22:

Since you suggested that trapped fear and unprocessed pain is fueling your jealousy and I suggested you processing that pain by attending competent psychotherapy and/ or a support group, maybe you do so?

If it helps you to process your pain here, by sharing about it, please do. Will be back to the computer in 12 hours or so.

anita

December 11, 2016 at 8:50 pm #122485

Jessica
Participant

Yeah. Thank you. Ive been meaning to share with someone but most don’t even get this. It has gotten worse now as time passed. I control him to the point that I have prohibited him watching TV or going out because of the fear that he’ll peek & enjoy. There were many times where I got violent too. I just cannot seem to stand that there can be hot women around him. Hes kind, trustworthy, very patient, very mature, loving me unconditionally, supporting me, being my crying shoulder. I can tell him anything & Id get comforted. I love being around him and animals. Those are marvelous times but as soon as I hear a female voice outside, I assume he likes that too. I also have asked him not to look their way to avoid an argument. It just escalated so quick. I wasnt like this in my 1st relationship. My 2nd one was what triggered it. It was a shock. I got deeply wounded as the other stared at a girls chest & that made me feel worthless.
Since then I accused this ex of looking occasionally. It wasn’t as severe as this current one. It just escalated and my anxiety made it worse. I have untreated social phobia since very young (im 22 btw).

I know that its impossible for him to think others are attractive but I just overthink & overanalyze & this has gotten me deeply depressed to the point of extreme lethargy.
Ive told my mom about my depression & anxiety disorder but I dont see her completely helping me (she has chronic illness). I tried looking for therapy but most dont accept insurance or are full. This year was the worst depressed episode ive experienced. My fam has heard me fight before but its very hard to control myself. So just because we still laugh & have a good time, i think my fam assumes my issue isnt huge & not really a problem.

Most women dont even think twice about their hubby looking but i think its cuz they dont wanna overthink & are better off just avoiding all that pain; but I just cannot let go of the envy. Im trying to help myself best i could but its hard. We’re not crazy, It just excessive jealousy. Living in a crowded city makes things even worse.

But my partner is willing to go through all my difficulties. I know he loves me like he never loved, he does things to make me happy. Hes a wonderful guy & im thankful for everything hes given me. The best of all is his support, love , patience, & unconditional mature love since i met him (at 17&16 yrs old).

December 12, 2016 at 1:39 am #122494
VJ
Participant
Dear violet22,

Firstly I will say that what a wonderful partner you have got from all that you have described about him in both of your posts. I do not think anyone would need anything more from a partner. Please do consider yourself fortunate for that. So then where lies the problem? I am sure that you have heard and are very well aware that it is never about “them” but always something about “us”.
I read at a post that “it is true that we can only love others to the degree that we love ourselves.” So if you get rid of the layers of jealousy then more of love will come in which then can be extended towards others.

At first I will recommend you to do a web search on ‘Bach Flower Remedies’ to know details on what they are. If it interests you then among the several flower remedies ‘HOLLY’ is the remedy for your situation to eliminate jealousy.

Below links on HOLLY Bach Flower Remedy-

(http://www.bachflower.org/holly.htm)
(http://www.rainbowcrystal.com/bach/bfr/holly.shtml)
(http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/38/holly.htm)
(http://www.essencealchemy.com/bach-flower-remedies/holly-flower-essence/)
(https://www.bach-flowers.co.uk/remedies/bach_holly.asp)

After patiently going through each of these if you feel they resonate with you then you can take the HOLLY flower essences and make way for love.

It would be a lie if someone says that he does not look at beautiful women/girls in public. So accept the fact that he is going to do that in front of you or in your absence. It is natural. But the greatest factor is the love and trust that you share between each other based on what you said – “I know he would remain loyal/faithful ’til the end.” That is the main thing even if one looks at those beautiful people out there.

I hope and wish that you reach a stage where you come to the understanding that your partner is looking at those girls just like one would look at a beautiful flower!

Take Care,
VJ
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by VJ.
December 12, 2016 at 7:46 am #122506

Anonymous
Guest

Dear violet22:

Clearly your jealousy, your distress in this relationship is not about who your boyfriend is (you consistently stated how loving and tolerant he is) and it is not about faulty logic (you consistently stated that you know he is loyal to you and that your thinking is irrational, that is not based on reality).

Clearly then, your jealousy is based on an emotional wounding that happened in your childhood, a wounding that lead to, for one, the social anxiety you mentioned. How old were you when you first experienced that social anxiety and what about your home life, as a child, was so distressing?

anita

December 12, 2016 at 10:30 am #122520

Jessica
Participant

Thanks for your help, much appreciated. The problem is because it hurts. Why is it hard to understand? I just dont get people, dont mean to sound rude. It hurts that he can think he can get away with even the slightest look or admiration. I know admiration isn’t harmful but theres something about it that just stings. Maybe because Ive been like this for about 6 yrs now that it seems quiet impossible to detach from it?
And yeah hes a wonderful guy being happy no matter what but to accept that ill be having straying eyes just rages me. Ive asked him many times if he’d stare & he always says no, he doesn’t need to because Im everything he has been looking for and his heart is set on me. He also has said that thats considered a bad behavior so he wouldn’t do it. So the fact that he’ll stare, is contradicting what he said & he rarely lies. So… I just cant have that thats why I control. Im learning to accept myself & bring self-compassion. Im try to be happy but i guess it needs more work.

December 12, 2016 at 10:46 am #122521

Jessica
Participant

Thanks for your reply! First I didnt say my thinking was irrational& this is where it gets sticky: that guys naturally like bodies. So how could it be irrational? You mean when i said that its impossible that he’ll like every female he see’s- thats irrational? Yeah.

To clarify a bit, I had Selective Mutism as a child it wasnt targeted to help even though i did get supposed-help. Then As a sophomore in HS I got diagnosed with Social Phobia. So untreated SM escalated into Social Phobia. Then they said I had depression. So this issue did not create me having Social phobia. But not being 100% comfortable around people makes it twice as worse because I just think they look at me like theres something wrong in me, which I know its not reality.

My jealousy started with the 2nd bf. I was a junior then. Since I already was a highly sensitive girl, i might’ve taken the betrayal twice as hard. I just couldnt shake it off my head then it lead to arguments because the image of him staring elsewhere brought hurt. I didnt socialize well at school through all my young life so how could I know about relationships or social skills?
It was until I was 19 that I learned about selective mutism online. Thats when it hit the nail. It all made sense. Thats what I had & no so-called professional could figure that out. They said I didnt need help anymore when clearly SM is an early anxiety disorder that could’ve lead to other anxiety disorders.

Going back. Im trying to see my partner as an angel see if that’ll help since I once had a dream where he was standing next to my bed staring across with head held straight with his bright white sparkling wings. That really brought comfort & peace.

December 12, 2016 at 11:22 am #122524

Anonymous
Guest

Dear violet22:

Clearly, you need competent, professional help so to reduce the anxiety (excessive, often overwhelming fear) that you experience, as well as the accompanying rage. These two: the fear and rage are very intense in you. Sometimes you act violently, you wrote. And you try to control your boyfriend unreasonably.

In competent therapy, you will learn to tolerate these strong feelings without automatically reacting to them in destructive ways. You will learn to act reasonably even though you feel significant distress.

And you will talk about your childhood experiences, hurts and injuries (that brought about the Selective Mutism)- and release the intensity of your hurt and fear.

As far as your last post to me, you wrote: “guys naturally like bodies. So how could it be irrational?” “It” being your thinking.

Good question. I’ll try to answer it: it is true: men do like to look at women’s bodies. This is why the naked women industry (magazines, videos) are so successful. It is true, no distorted thinking on your part here.

These are your distortions:

1. It is possible for a man to not see women.

* This is true only if he is completely blind (please don’t make it happen! My goodness!), or he is a prisoner in a house with no TV or internet or magazines or newspapers, book with pictures of women.

2. It is possible for you to control anyone’s thinking and feelings.

* You don’t have that power, not even over your own thinking and feelings.

3. If something hurts you and enrages you, it necessarily means that something is a wrong done to you.

* you feel hurt and enraged by your boyfriend doing nothing wrong to you. It only feels that he is hurting you, but he is not hurting you. An old hurt all of your own is burning inside of you.

anita
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