It’s been 2 weeks. 2 weeks since I lied – 2 weeks since I quit drinking, smoking, and zoning out on life – and two weeks into starting all over. I’ve spent too much time defending things I knew we’re wrong and unhealthy – not sure if its due to defiance or if it was just easier. I’m a single mom of an amazing 4 1/2 yr old. Her father and I had a toxic relationship and it was over by the time she was 1. Please note that i have kept the below away from her,I have raised a polite, loving, beautiful girl, although no doubt in my mind that it has effected her… When we broke up I started drinking and smoking weed, a way to escape, to combat loneliness. Needless to say I had a few short relationships, but kept them away from my daughter because they weren’t the right one. I met an amazing man when I started working in an office, we went out, and a month later we were an “insta-family”. He is a cowboy with strong morals, a solid upbringing, exudes self confidence, and is the epitome of hard work, dedication, and passion. He and I were great, I had so much confidence and we enjoyed each others company immensely. The weed became a problem, which it should be, and so I claimed I would quit. Somehow along the way I began to depend on him to make me happy, and when anything didn’t go right I was mean to him. This man woke up every morning and brought coffee to me, took care of everything he possibly could, loved my daughter, myself, and my dog to the end of the world. But he didn’t speak up when he was hurt. It came to the point where he was going to leave because he was so upset. We went to counselling. The last big fight he told me he has no more passion or drive, that he’s not happy, and he can’t do this. So I said I’d try…the next night he came home and found out I had smoked. He packed his things and left. You don’t know what you had until you lose it – and I understand most of what I read says to move on and as long as you correct your mistakes and learn its ok. I’m trying. I really trying. I’ve quit drinking, deleted Facebook, quit smoking, all because those are things I started to rely on and to zone out on rather than dealing with life. I would be angry with him due to my insecurities, from shyness and no self confidence to feeling as though things werent progressing fast enough. i would drink every single night, and not pay attention to him except to pick something apart. I treated every bump in e road as a personal attack.I feel as though i went from being so self sufficient to having someone do EVERYTHING for me and somehow lost myself. have been trying to find myself again, to become confident, positive, and not so negative. Yes he had issues and some things he did irritated me – but that’s going to happen in every relationship. He has suggested coming to see me daughter once a week while i see my counsellor – and that if we dont get back together it will easily transition my daughter from seeing him everyday to once in a while to whatever happens in the future. i told him I needed to work on me – to fix these areas in my life – to love myself and not depend on any crutches (alcohol/weed/Facebook/etc) – and to change my perception. To make myself happy. To quit being negative. I asked him if we could try again if he can see these changes in the future, and he says he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how, if ever, I could earn his trust back. He’s just as heartbroken as me – but am I holding onto something that is just damaging me further? I’ve read everything about forgiving, forgetting, learning…but I absolutely believe he is the one. Do I fight for him? Or do I let him go…because if its meant to Be it will be? How could I have lost myself so badly? How can I be so confused, mixed up, and broken? I believe is is something I need to do for me and my little girl regardless of how it ends up with him, but I can’t quit hoping we will again be a family. I messed up, terribly, but am committed to making myself a better person…but what do I do about him???